Taurus Excreta Cerebrum Vincit

Happy Deepavali/Diwali

2010-11-07T11:49:00.002+03:00

I am looking for the soundtrack to my life...its pretty impossible to have a single soundtrack but its very plausible to have an entire album.We being suckers for emotion and its reactions tend to want music that sings our every emotion without being cheesy.

When you feel invincible what song would you like playing in the background as you zip across town in your car with the windows down and feeling the wind in your hair?when you've had a horrible day at work and 2 of your patients die,what would you like to listen to?

Soundtracks are fundamental to ones emotion and psyche simply because where words cant describe what you feel,the songs can. I personally turn to songs when i can't verbalize my thoughts and emotions. When i just want alone time...i turn to songs.

There are a lot of people i miss these days...just simply because i can't get the time to chat with them or simply just be in each others company without having to say much.

Life's just like that...

GVK

2010-08-21T18:02:00.003+04:00

A good friend of mine is packing his bags...he's ticking off things on his already worn out check list.

He carries a chest full of emotions...some he could explain and comprehend,and some he can't.He knows that he is very very excited,the excitement almost feels wrong,like a child who was forbidden from having cookies before dinner but decided to nick a couple anyway without being caught.

A Small part of him wishes he could be around,a larger part part of him is glad this is happening.

Oh if only everyone understood.

One fine day this person will return as someone absolutely different,whose eyes don't quite see the way he used to.Sure that might sit well with a lot of us,it will take a lot of getting used to by his creators.

Then comes the part where we ask,where will this take us,will we still be friends?will you and i be as close?will we drift apart?will i be able to recognize you?

Maybe.

Then again communication is a two way street.

The legal drink age is 21 in the States and pot is illegal.Rubber is cheap and tuition fees aren't.

Whatever you do Baby Brother,Let me be there for you.Have a fantastic trip into adulthood.It will blow you mind away.

I will always love the 3 year old with excellent milo making skills.

Friend or Foe?

2010-07-16T18:22:00.002+04:00

Its been exactly 12 days since i stepped into Hospital Raja Permaisuri Bainon,more accurately,the once exclusive all male dominant Orthopedics department.

I am looked at with absolute awe...which i honestly feel is quite flattering.(some have a slight hint of jealousy,and some look at me like i am totally whacked)

Now, lets reflect on the last 6 months...extremely eventful!!..

I've uprooted my life and life as i knew it is changing.I'm living with my parents now, which is something i haven't done in 10 yrs...10 years is a bloody long time...thats more than one third but less than half of my life span. which is HUGE!

Next, I've now been downgraded to newbie all over again,but i have no complaints...being a newbie allows you to have a clean start...your slate is clean.People DON'T know you.They obviously can't have an opinion about you.

It has been absolutely refreshing to work in a different environment which isn't dominant with one particular race.Its nice to know that we aren't too consumed with ourselves.

Then there's the age factor...almost everyone who's running around is either my age group or much much older...so...it actually could be called a 'young hospital'.

It sucks being the newbie,but i am pretty exciting about starting over...lets see where this goes.

Kaiser Chiefs - Everyday I Love You Less and Less

2010-06-15T10:18:00.000+04:00

Indigo

2010-06-15T08:08:00.002+04:00

So I was recently asked a series of questions,one of which was very interesting...

"So if you say we are all handed what we should be able to handle,then why is it some do commit suicide?"

"Sometimes,the thought that you'll have to go through something absolutely alone drives you to have morbid thoughts,its as simple as being tired after a long day,all you want to do is sleep.Get some rest,take a break.The thing is,when your life seems like a daily grind of pain,you'll do anything to stop it,and sadly we always choose the path of least resistance. Now,what would be the smart thing to do is ask for help...just turn around and say,i need help,i think i could use just a hand...and hopefully you'll get through it.I also believe in Karma and the cycle of life.SO,this would in turn mean that each one of us is handed problems/glitches to be solved,regardless of how long it takes.If you do choose to run away,it doesn't end, it just reappears as a different problem waiting to be solved.In the end,what you thought was the solution isn't exactly a solution,it is just a motion for continuance.Eventually, you will have to face it, with or without help.Ask and you shall receive-we've been told, so?use it!"

These are just my opinions...who knows what the truth is?...in the end it all boils down to believe,if you believe in something,there's hardly a chance for anyone to make you think otherwise,and most often,what you choose to believe,becomes the truth.

Just be a little discerning when you make choices,you'll surprise yourself.

The Warrior of Light

2010-06-13T18:31:00.002+04:00

Yes,its the same one as Coelho's the only difference is that,i am relating my experiences via his posts. It makes sense and resonates with my inner thoughts and feelings.it gives hope and allows you to cut yourself some slack.

Every day, God gives us, as well as the sun,a moment when it is possible to change anything that is causing us unhappiness.

The magic moment is the moment when
a “yes” or a “no” can change our whole existence.
Every day, we try to pretend that we do not see
that moment, that it does not exist,
that today is the same as yesterday
and that tomorrow will be the same too.
However, anyone who pays close attention to
his day will discover the magic moment.
It might be hidden in the instant
that we put the key in the door in the morning,
in the moment of silence after supper,
in the thousand and one things
that appear to us to be the same.
This moment exists, a moment in which
all the strength of the stars flows through us
and allows us to perform miracles.

(By the river Piedra I sat Down and Wept)

The Servant - Cells (Sin City )

2010-06-09T19:42:00.000+04:00

Neneh Cherry and Youssou N'Dour ( 7 Seconds)

2010-06-09T19:25:00.000+04:00

KARMA POLICE-RADIOHEAD

2010-06-09T18:02:00.000+04:00

Life in Technicolor II - Coldplay

2010-06-09T17:52:00.000+04:00

Gotan Project - Triptico

2010-06-08T19:00:00.000+04:00

Gotan Project - Diferente

2010-06-08T18:55:00.000+04:00

GOTAN PROJECT - La Gloria (official video)

2010-06-08T18:50:00.000+04:00

Pigeonholes

2010-06-08T16:11:00.003+04:00

So today i had a relatively fulfilling conversation with a good friend,lets call her Winne.We spoke about things we always speak about and went on to speak some more.

We reached a topic about someone common,lets call him Tigger.So,our story today is about typecasts and stereotypes created by whats known as social decorum.

So here's a story about go getters, Go Getters have no principles are far as territorial pissing is concerned.

There's no such thing as honor amongst thieves and there's no such thing as being around for people who need you.

I know of a person who never takes no for an answer, except when he is in doubt of himself. Sometimes its convenient to get someone to convince you that this is what you want,so that you convince yourself that you are making some martyr like decision when in reality,you didn't have the guts to take responsibility for that decision.

Today,a good 4 years later,you have 'what if' thoughts...what if thoughts don't happen if you MADE the decision in the first place.

Then some might argue, maybe it was his decision, he just didn't think that he'd miss out on a lot.

No, when you are a go getter who stops at nothing, the only thing you are regretting is not making that decision on your own.SO what do you do?...you can't rectify 'could've' 'should've' because they belong in a different dimension.So make excuses.You look for someone to blame.

So Winnie defends Tigger and says...maybe its something he was forced into.

My rebuttal?...he wasn't, Simply because you don't become a fixture as someone's booty call...especially if this someone is in a relationship with some other guy?

Here are more valid Points:

A man is expected to 'Provide', Protect and Take bullets for your wife.

If a man however strays...the world talks about it for maybe a week, a month tops,because honestly no one,not even the wife expects the husband to not stray.We all know it,but we are all too cowardly to mention it.All of us want to belong and fit in the world today so being lemmings are what we are fit for.

Conversely,if a man...loses his job,hits his wife or lives off her...its a big fucking deal,because his isn't man enough!...he couldn't do the most primal things for his wife/family.Sad isn't it,men aren't bound to the same rules in a relationship?...our expectations off men are sadly meager.

NO...no one will admit to it...but secretly i can see all you people nodding.

Thats alright,we are conditioned by society to be a part of the conveyor belt called life-in the eyes of others.

A woman is expected to be a Mother...one who can't stray.If she does, she'll be shunned.If she chooses to work and not stay home with her kids (when her husband is doing relatively well) she will be shunned.If she speaks for her husband (who's penis is the size of an amoeba), she will be shunned.

Real Swell to be Asian and Narrow isn't it.

Coming back to my rebuttal of go getters, GO GETTERS don't ever compromise on their reputation unless they really want it...and they will go get it knowing full well that they are on the brink of losing the most valuable asset anyone will ever own.Your reputation.

Go give it a thought and let me know what you think.

I'm craving a nice triple shot espresso latte with no foam in kids temperature,anyone?

Iron and Wine - Boy With a Coin

2010-06-07T19:26:00.000+04:00

Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy. God non existence of.

2010-06-07T18:38:00.000+04:00

Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter - Official Video

2010-06-06T18:35:00.000+04:00

Dunkel

2010-06-04T19:57:00.003+04:00

Lets talk about this funny thing called chemistry.

I was unbelievably good at it in school, and absolutely oblivious to its existence now except in relation to cooking.

So,what makes you go up to someone absolutely random and say hi?I'm not talking about sexual chemistry,i am talking about chemistry period.

Lets assume your only common ground is the fact that your both are in a similar field or have to work together on a case or two,so if you look at it, the ONLY thing you have in common is your vocation.Here's the part that gets tricky...just because you both do the same things,you automatically assume its all going to fall into place so perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle.

Why you ask?

Here's why, just because you and i like medicine,doesn't make us like minded...i also happen to like Monopoly, Cow and Chicken, Boston Legal and reading, which to you is an utter waste of time...you like Korean dramas and Glee...no sir we aren't on the same page.

I like puns...and i like being politically correct,see?that sentence would've flown by you.

Anyway,here's the issue...how do we decide,I'll spend my time walking down this alley?I'm not as spontaneous as i thought i was.Too cautious for my own good.

Forging anything seems to be an issue,am i selfish or am i just cautious?

How do we classify our relationships?

Student-Mentor, Platonic, Flirtatious, Sexual, Exclusive, Oedipus-complexed?

Which ones are you likely to encounter at work?

Which ones do you keep?

Which ones do you discard?

Ultimately, when you could laugh with me about absolutely anything, laugh at yourself and at me...i know i should persevere to at least keep it going.

When you could do the above, and not kick me when i am down,and look for the light at the end of the tunnel when my days are dark...and remain painfully honest, i will hold on to you with dear life.

No man is an island.

Changes

2010-06-01T16:18:00.002+04:00

SO,i've got news that i'm supposed to report in Perak on the 1st of July,i'm thinking my plan of getting into ortho and living with my parents is going to Materialize.So good for me.
Right now, the tune of the day is Miami Bitch by David Guetta,mostly because it makes me super duper happy.

A good part of me does feel a little sad that i'll have to say good bye to Penang,it is a fun place,it really is,especially if you have the right company.The durians are good,the food is sometimes overrated, the traffic is migraine inducing and the beaches adultrated.Yet, i am in love with it in a sadistic way.I don't love it like i love Moscow or the feeling KL gives me,but...yes,there's a part of me that has come to like it.

Its like the love affair that you'd like to forget,the one where there were good times and bad times and yet you were both perfect misfits.

So,i've been here long enough to know which Pork Satay rocks and where to get the best mutton varuaval or who charges an arm and a leg for a pack of Granny Smith.I've also been here long enough to sniff out the MC seekers and the Hypochondriacs.I think its time i went towards i'm good at...its time to become an Orthopod, time to become spinal and embrace being called dim wit carpenters with gusto.

Here's one thing for sure,i'm going to be one of em cool rockstar surgeons!

p/s there's going to be a PARTY on the 25th of june,who's coming?

Divine Intervention

2010-05-22T18:30:00.002+04:00

I do believe in God...its in you, me and everyone else around us.
Miracles happen,and divine intervention is when you have a freak accident and come out untouched.
I believe i was rash,irresponsible and stupid and...today,i intend to change all of that.I choose to look at today with new thoughts.I know i sound effing manic to begin with but seriously,the way everyone has been handling me has been unfuckingbelievable...
Right from my friends to my extended family and my family...its been great,they've been handling me like i'm fragile and made out of glass.
There comes a point in your life where you realise that your inability to confront the truth and work on it,would/could cost you dearly.So...its takes a collossal mistake to set you right,and i honestly hope and believe that this is it.

Thank You.

Entitlement.

2010-05-11T05:41:00.002+04:00

Of late i can't help but notice the worst in others. Its not that i'm trying to make a point, but it just seems to overshadow everything else.
My sorepoint however remains with the way everyone seems to have a sense of entitlement.
Most of them think they are entitled to things that most psychologically sound people wouldn't think they deserved unless they worked their ass off for it!
I guess for most, it gives them an excuse to remain below par,it gives them an opportunity to not have to take responsibility for their actions.
Think about it, a person who feels entitled would say something ginormously idiotic like
"oh,we'll wait for the land office to get back to us,because it is after all their job."
(10 yrs later)
"you know,those scum bags totally stole our property from us...i mean,if i don't pay my taxes,aren't suppose to come after me?...why would you assume the land had no title holders?
(this is because you choose to sit on your ass)
So a statement like this would then lead on to them blaming everyone else for their shortfalls...and they would refuse to believe that it was their fault to begin with.
Another good example would be something simple like patient-doctor relationships.(only applicable in govt settings)
See, patient A,lets call him John. Decided to come and see the doctor for lets say a cough...and it doesn't resolve in lets say 1 week...so john comes back...
Mr.I AM ENTITLED JOHN : I am still not better,aren't i supposed to be better?i mean,isn't that what you people are suppose to be doing?...making people like me better.
THE LOST AFTER PATIENT NO 200 DR: errmm...yes but you can have some residual cough for lets say another 10 days or so...let me give you something for it yeah?
MIAEJ: yeah you better...oh and...throw in a MC while you are at it.
TLAPN200DR:....ermm...sure...

See?...its sad to see sometimes how people have this false sense of entitlement. It reinforces the notion that the world owes you a shit load of things, It breeds less responsible adults and...it certainly creates a silent association of pity party goers.

I mean,seriously,suck it up and own up to it.No one owes you anything!...Clean up after yourself,you might make a difference in the way you live your last few days.

Faith

2010-05-03T18:22:00.002+04:00

Is what gets me out of bed every morning.

The closest to God or anything absolutely divine we'll ever get to is by examining our relationships and pegging it correctly.

Divine intervention is the friend whom you thought never gave a shit,or the friend who effortlessly made you feel better by just being by your side, its your mum, your dad...your brother...i could go on and on and on...

They say "GOD" only protects the young, old and the drunk.Assuming that statement is flawless, i can very safely concur that, mere mortals are god in every right,should they choose to live everyday that way.

Besides that, I've come up with an interesting observation...no where close to science but would be very much appreciated by Jung and Freud.

We are able to pick on a certain flaw/weakness of another only because we've identified it in us,it may not be something someone else could see in that very same person...simply because its something we've found to be an issue for ourselves.

Example:

I could almost always conclude(with substance of course) someone is fickle on the first meeting because,being fickle is something i am guilty of most of the time!Hence i'd be able to smell all the signs!

Reena was spot on and mad at me because i sulked through dinner,not because anyone annoyed me,but because i felt like a sore loser (i didn't know that i was sulking),but i don't think anyone else picked that up,she picked it up because she knew what its like to be in my position.

So...yes i still have to expand on my flimsy theories...but soon...we'll have more coming.

To THE LOAF!

Silk

2010-04-28T20:12:00.002+04:00

Thats the name of the movie thats playing in the background as i type this out.Its been sometime hasn't it?well,don't worry we didn't miss much.For starters...well,my sense of humor is returning.I still am struggling with my little black hole and my transfer back to either Ipoh or KL is on the way.

What tickled me today was the fact that i have a colleague in a different department by the name of Candy.I mean seriously,how many of you would take a doctor with a stripper name seriously?I know i won't,mostly because i've got wicked mental pictures.That aside,my day at work was good,and i am trying to see my future all over again.

I read something interesting yesterday,about the future and faith.Something to the effect of having to take a journey,we know of a destination in mind but we can't see the entire way sitting in a car can we?...we mostly see about 200feet...and the rest is based upon a believe that there's a clear path beyond the 200ft.So yes faith is it,we all need to believe in something don't we?some believe in the power words,others alcohol,most of us secretly in the power of love and some a higher being...i'm still a little lost.

What i crave most?my optimism and my unfaltering believe that i am pretty capable of the impossible.I miss being able to picture my future and simply build castles in the air.I miss that person that i used to be.When will i become me again?...soon i hope,thats my faith in time consoling me.

To White Zinfandels and Pinot Noirs.

Acceptance.

2010-04-08T18:59:00.002+04:00

I remember reading sometime back that the universe always sends you subtle messages and always conspires to give you what you want.When you don't take heed of the subtle messages and ignore the signs,it sends you one major event...just to realign your position about yourself and goals in general.

That said, i had a major event or more like i am coming out of a major event currently.What this actually made me, was (corny but true) a stronger and more honest person.When you take time and meditate and focus on things that upset you or seem to be like a splinter in your nail bed,you actually tend to get a clearer picture of your true position in all your issues.

Its of utmost importance that the one person you don't lie to is YOURSELF,and its imperative that you accept all your short comings and realize that if you were created perfectly, life wouldn't be appreciated as much as it should be. If all of us were perfectly created,things could get pretty mundane and that pretty much sucks the fun out of achieving something.

Its Yin and Yang, there has to be balance to life. I'm blessed with above average intelligence and a job with infinite prospects,a loving family fantastic friends and yet i have my own insecurities,all of us do but its about acceptance.Its about loving yourself, its about accepting yourself and your flaws.Its about having high expectations and not impossible expectations.Which reminds me, there was this quote i read sometime back, "Anyone who said nothing is impossible should try slamming a revolving door!"

In a nutshell, The March Saga needed to happen,it opened my eyes, it led me to acceptance, it led me to awareness...Hopefully,one day, you'll read a post which describes me having made peace with all my demons. Till the next one!

Sunday Brunch

2010-04-04T18:35:00.003+04:00

I had a fabulous weekend,you know the kind thats just impromptu and filled with familiarity.

The Folks came down on saturday and decided to spend the weekend with me,since i've been rather labile with my moods (which isn't soo labile anymore).Sadly, this was my working weekend,which pretty much means i'm clocking in extra hours at work.
Being the wonderful people that they are,they just tagged along,without complaints!

We did the whole lazy sunday brunch and MPH-ing,with witty banter and planning holidays,before i darted off to work and then rejoined them 4 hours later to send them off and a quick bite.

Which reminds me,i just finished this book called the Hindi-Bindi Club about naturalized Americans and 1st generation American Indians.Well,the point i was getting to was,there is this character called Rani McGuiness who hit very close to home.She is highly intelligent and creative but is susceptible to clinical depression.Her parents,Patrick and Uma are supportive and they are her best friends and biggest fans (very much like my folks-they are my biggest fans-even when i draw something sooo terrible only your mum would say "oh honey,its...hmmm...expressive?")
OK...so,now i am paying special attention to this character...
Now,she is the character that spoke to me and in a nutshell,my next plan is to get my chakras realigned.
Which reminds me,Reena once said,all great minds suffer some form of depression...or self conflict...which reminds me about another thing that i've come to realise.
I used to and still do look at reena and jason for the 'security blanket' that i customarily seek and receive from my folks.Its something that i cultivated in Moscow,my parents were too far and my 2 great friends,were there for me.

I like my long posts,mostly because most of you would've lost my train of thought at the 2nd chapter and wouldn't have figured out what the hell i just went on a tangent about.

Either ways,one day my life will flash before my eyes,and i want to make sure its worth watching.

My glass is ALWAYS half full...it sadly has a crack...for the time being.

Serendipity

2010-04-02T19:46:00.002+04:00

Should that be what i should call the entire month of March to be?
Maybe.

That said,identifying triggers and trying to control them aren't exactly the smartest moves in the world.On the contrary i might actually aggreviate a few symptoms.

So,i'm trying to move to a phase where i'd be able to remove the third leg and stop scrutinizing all my moves.Is this my path to enlightenment?

As Reena eloquently put it,all great minds went through depression and emotional turmoil...apparently i am a part of the elite group of great thinkers.
(oh how i wish that was true)

Otherwise...i'm in a phase of wines and books,more like, my book phase stayed on,and i'm an annoying self proclaimed wine snob,no really...lets go drink some togther,i'll prove it.

Till the next cork.

Day 29

2010-03-28T20:58:00.002+04:00

Its been 29 days...

I just got back from Kuching,the flight was surprisingly confortable and punctual.
Now Kuching...Kuching was meant to be my little retreat after an exhausting month,and yes an exhausting month it was.

What Kuching had-2 out of my 3 great friends are there doing their housemanship,and well i needed stability and familiarity.

Reena freaked out because in the 8 years that she has known me,i've never ever ever been extreamly sad or disheartened or anxious or anything less than optimistic...infact being clinically depressed is something soo alien to me.I will never comprehend why or how...but the truth is,i have always had a vision,and i always have had dreams and wants...but in the last 4 weeks,i have been blank and i have been blamming myself for everything.

The closest i've been to being myself in the last 4 weeks was the last 2 days.

We did exactly what we'd do during our Moscow days and their Aussie days,i.e: Long coffees and absolute cerebral orgasms.

We trashed out every probable cause and the best possible solution...and you know what?
The Last 4 weeks was very much needed- to jolt my system and realign myself to my goals maybe?
Or was it my body saying-i am tired,i am not meant for this...i am meant for something greater?
Honestly, in the opinion of beekins and i, our lifes have been predestined...as much as we try to beat systems or choose alternative pathways,we ended up in the system...while we go through life though,the one thing we should do is make the journey an interesting one.

I may not be myself yet...but i am getting there...depression is tiring and it isn't me...i should cut myself some slack,especially since everyone else is cutting me some slack.

Lets see how this goes...

Do I?

2010-03-21T19:10:00.002+03:00

Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.
Ezra Taft Benson

My mother happens to be a great source of inspiration,simply because she proved that nothings impossible.
That said...my vision for the moment is impaired.
I am to refrain myself from making any decisions for the week,and i think its a smart move.-Mum's orders.

Do i do good with change?...i'm thinking i do.

DO i leave or stay?

Do i move or MOVE?

what do i want?what am i capable of?...am i running away from something?

...as my brother says,its quarter life crisis,come lets go buy the R8...(oh yea,i wish i could)

Till the next one.

Churchill

2010-03-16T14:08:00.002+03:00

An 87 year old man walks into a Doctors office and exclaims;

"Doctor!...so its you again!..."
"Evening Uncle, yes..good to see you too..."

We exchange a bunch of very routine questions and before he walks out he says, "Welcome to Winston Churchill's club, he was a left hander and very intelligent!"

I smiled politely and stared like a right idiot at him...and suddenly like a sudden spark we both quoted the same thing "never ever ever ever give up!" and laughed like old friends,and it was at that moment that it hit me...

Why was i losing sleep?why was i working myself up?why was i getting stressed out?why was i kicking myself hard?Why am i suddenly thinking of worst case senarios?-Just because i have a list?...i don't know what the future has in store for me but i do know that if i do things right when i can and could,i should.

Wow...all of that was easier typed out and thought of than actually trying to not think about worst case senarios.

I thought i had it all figured out...time is running out,time is running out.

I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.
J. D. Salinger

Stigmas

2010-03-06T21:58:00.002+03:00

Social stigmas and the price you pay for it...

Here's an example;

There is this intelligent individual on the brink of burnout with an acknowledged anxiety issue,recently discovered of course...who,like most well educated individuals,approached a colleague in psychiatry...who's first reaction was:

"Aren't you worried about the social stigma?"

No,this individual wasn't ashamed.There's no shame in asking for help...and its sad to see yourself,escort yourself towards self destruction when you knew that there were options.

It disheartening to see the level at which certain medical fields are perceived in Malaysia,very barbaric to an extent.

There's one simple question you could ask yourself, why should a field be created if it wasn't significant enough?

Then again, not everyone has the strength and courage that takes to say "I need help,please help me"

The worst part about asking for help is when the reaction of people whom you trust your life with is absolutely disappointing,with replies like "Oh come on,why would YOU of all people need help?"

...I'm human? ...and flawed...

I have a problem,and i will handle it, even if the world thinks that its impossible for someone as carefree and as laidback as me to face anxiety issues.

Google it,its a real problem.

1st March 2010

2010-03-01T09:26:00.002+03:00

Here's the problem with being in a place like Penang,which has its roots close to its heart- regardless of the day of the week (sundays/fridays), if it is a traditional festive of some sort, they will not hesitate to ignite fireworks at 11pm at night,just to signify the festival.

Its hard being foreign to absolute lack of civic consciousness because, where i grew up,we were thought to be sensitive to the wants and needs of everyone.Which brings me to another point, about drivers in Penang, they don't believe in using the lanes provided instead hogging your lane and theirs is considered fine,absolutely fine.

Sounds like random rants isnt it?

No it isnt,not when you have trouble sleeeping and the one night you choose to sleep early you are woken up by the sound of fireworks.Its also not funny that a jam could occur out of no specific reason, i left Ipoh at 6.30pm and reached my apartment at 10.15pm,which is rediculous!

All that aside,i've been feeling restless and uneasy...i'll figure that one out,soon.

Time to get back to doing something with a little academic touch to it...

Redemption

2010-01-31T14:21:00.004+03:00

I remember being a Houseofficer, I remember not being able to check my mails or blog or read as i would normally do.
That was by far the fastest year of my life,no actually,last year passed pretty fast too...well the point i was getting to was; everytime i visit prawn prawn's page i expect it to be updated when in reality i knew that it wouldnt be and yet i was taking a chance.

Chance...now chance...is an interesting word, chance could mean risk or advantage.Interesting how it could mean 2 very opposing poles.
So chances...i'm not very good at taking chances.
Another thing that i'm greatly against is indecision.

Indecision is costly, painful, irritating, spells weakness in character...you get me.

The point i was trying to make was, i think, and i admit that i did wrong by someone. Wrong by my standards.
Of course i had reasons to believe that i disliked anyone crowding my space or controlling me,but, i know i did wrong by this person. All of this happened when i decided to sit back and reflect upon my behaviour...which was just before my birthday...also a lot of it had to do with my recent embarkment on a journey i knew i wasn't willing to see through till the end.

All that aside, here's who i think i am...or atleast who i think i've become:
I'm very very very aloof, to anyone and everyone.
I like my space.
I dislike immaturity and absolute stupidity
I am very vigorously being as objective and as non judgemental as i could be.
I have a thick lead wall...

SO,this would then bring us back to the year 2008...oh my,its 2010...time really waits for no one.
I met someone in 2008, who left me confused and in pain...the kind of good pain,you know the 'misarable' feeling.Me being me,too proud and walled up, decided to back off and look for as many flaws and loop holes i could possibly find because,honest to god,i haven't felt anything soo electrifying and charged like that in a LONG LONG LONG time.
*Each 'long' denotes one year.

So, then the defensive side of me found every flaw and disected it like a skillful surgeon looking for the finest of misfits,dislikes,incompatibilities and of course, i was successful.

Happily or unknowingly unhappily successful.

At that time,when you are confused and in pain,it would seem like the correct thing to do.

Right now,corrective measure: i've made peace with this person,not entirely, because people will remember how you made them feel.It takes time and a long long time...especially when the wound is pretty deep.
We had coffee today,it was easy flowing and...very very honest.

Why did i go through all of that?...am i just trying to seek redemption?
The way things seem to be unfolding,i am taking on corrective measures...and i am installing "preventive measures" in me.

Will i be successful?...will this person forgive me?...there's no clean slate with this one.

Soiree

2010-01-13T21:14:00.002+03:00

You know how your thoughts become a self fulfilling prophecy? Well, its TRUE, let me tell you why.

So, i have this habit where i'd look at the most peculiar spots in a particular area,and think of a likely mishap relating to that area and how so often you see it on television.

Eg: The space between the lift doors and the landing of a floor?...notice how it attracts your key to fall through it?...well,i always wondered what would it be like have your keys fall through it,and of course wonder why the probability of it happening on television is far greater than in reality. (Of course all this is based solely on my limited experience.)

Walking in at about half past 5, i thought to myself, why not i catch a quick nap and then head out to the gym and join the rest after for a movie at 2200H?

After a much needed LAZE...not SNOOZE...i moved out of my horizontal position and walked out of the door at 2000H, met my housemate at the lift and the both of us chatted all the way down.Not realizing that i already had my keys in my hands(left handed-thus keys in left hand),i absentmindedly unclutched my grip with the intention of fishing for my keys in my bag,this with absolute precision had to happen while i was getting out of the lift, which, yes, meant my keys falling through!

Precise train of thought at that moment "I knew it,i should've stopped imagining it after the first 2 times,look at the mess i've gotten myself into,damn,damn...the movies in 2 hours,shit...no working out today...damn"

My now stunned housemate, has no idea how to react, except to offer a ride and maybe his spare key,which i politely turned down,because being the anal retentive person that i am, i won't be going anywhere till i get my keys back!

Time 2008H

So i called the lift service number and requested for a technicians expert hand in the matter,which of course, Mr.Lee (the one attending the hotline) informed me would cost an arm,especially since its after hours. I explained that i understood and told them that i was stuck outside my residence,to which he assured me i would be attended to in half hour.

Time 2020H

Finally at 2040H, Mr.Nizam the technician, calls and tells me in a horrible chinese accent that he'll be at my place in half an hour,so finally at 2120,i paid Mr.Nizam an arm and thanked him profusely, to which he surprisingly answered back in flawless,accentless Malay. (i think visuals are important)

Due to Mr Nizam's prompt action i managed to make it for the movie at 2200.

If you really must know, your twisted thoughts do cost you dearly if you ask me...now there goes lunch money for the next 5 days!One Helluva Soiree..although i'm not too sure if its applicable for a technician,an idiot, a bunch of keys and a lost housemate.

Discreet Charm?

2010-01-07T13:19:00.002+03:00

My weaknesses include a nicely brewed cup of coffee and most breads (not white,can't stand white bread)...it could be anything from a simple wholemeal roll to a merry looking multigrain fruit loaf.That said, in Penang, there are 2 very nice places that bake their own bread at reasonable prices, first:Rainforest-Bread Artisans and next:Continental bakery,i personally prefer buying a nice rye loaf from Rainforest although Continental has a wider choice as far as wholemeal rolls are concerned.

Sometime last week,when i had gone to Rainforest to pick up a loaf of multigrain bread, i came across a very quaint looking corner shop cafe'...the kind that has a sign outside with the specials but has no name on its front.This place is soo discreetly located on the heritage walk route that unless you are a tourist or one with a penchant for picking up hidden gems,you'd most definitely miss it.

What really caught my attention was the espresso machine and the nicely treated and lacquered wooden front doors.As how most curious minds work, i parked and walked in. The place was empty, as they were i assume preparing for dinner.Attending the bar was a young girl called Marissa and there were 2 other people there running about getting things sorted-Mellissa and Anuar.

Anuar fixed me a nice flat white, and i mean a nice flat white. The place was charming, exactly the kind of place i would run.It was tastefully decorated and not over done,there were reading materials and there was a dining room...there were bar stools and they served CAIPIRNHAs and MOJITOS!...

Getting good Mojitos...in Malaysia?...hardly heard of,except maybe in QBAR...

I made my journal entry while savouring my flat white and i enjoyed it.It was silent enough to think and ponder and yet it didn't feel cold or secluded.They have a breakfast menu, i think i know where i'll be spending my sunday mornings.

The Inaugaration of another eventful year!

2010-01-05T15:17:00.003+03:00

Shakespeare once said, all's well that ends well. Maybe. I'm not so sure. Plausible.

Dec 29th, presented itself quite nicely, for one, i got things moving slowly and things are working out just nicely.

-I'm doing part time research with the clinical research centre of Penang

-I'm sitting for my AMC in May

Got a few things from my wishlist working out, the E72, the running shoes, the Mont blanc...you know shallow temporary needs.

The DSLR?...was replaced with some citigroup shares...and paying for my AMCs...

So that aside, clarity hits you in many forms, it could be a fight, a nice chat, it could be someone breaking down things for you...whatever it is, clarity is clarity.

The way things are done towards you or upon you, usually is self explainatory...exchanges are crucial,it tells you how you are viewed...no love goggles...no biased opinion,which is why, you should be careful what you wish for. On my birthday, i asked people whom i considered important to tell me what i should change about myself, most of them refused to colaborate...i was a little disappointed but that just said that i had a lot of love around me, or everyone around me owns a pair of goggles.

I should've known better.Besides the Autobahn, i don't know of any roads without bumps and holes. Even the Autobahn is limited. On new year's eve though,i hit a road of absolute clarity...which has left me in a slightly awkward position. I don't intend to get into it now, but in a nutshell, i've never been in soo much pain in a long time. Oh well, apparently, that ended well for most parties concerned.

To sum up my journey so far?...it started wonderfully, met with a horrible hole whice caused a tire change and i'm back on the road again. Sometimes, you need to get over the hiccoughs earlier through the journey just so that you'd be better equipped through the remainder of the journey.

Am i venting?...not quite.

Am i excited? Hell Yeah!

Abomination

2009-12-17T21:45:00.004+03:00

"Where are you?...as usual,making me wait?"

"10 seconds,start your countdown,i can see you VERY CLEARLY!"

"Don't Lie!i can't see you! 9..8...7..oh there you are."

So she gets in, we greet each other in the usual manner and smile at each other,like long lost friends. It wasn't long for the moment to be ruined. She went on a tangent about life and its trimmings.

"Why do people have a problem with me?is it my confidence?"

"Its not your confidence,not at all. Its just that most girls don't like girls like you Sayang. You are a threat, in a passive aggresive but nonmanipulative way. You'd walk into a club and her boyfriend would stare at you,she isnt suppose to like that.She dolled up for him didn't she?Put yourself in her shoes,oh wait,that'll never happen,besides you knew that the first time i met you i thought you were a..."

"ok ok i get it,lets move on..."

"you have to listen to this song..."

So i play sexy bitch by Akon,and to annoy her further i asked her if she knew why i thought this song reminds me of her.

"i think i know,so do you think i should change?

"Do you want to change?"

"Why do you ALWAYS have to be soo difficult?"

"Whats the point of giving you an answer that isn't obviously what you want to hear?"

"You are purposely being difficult,sometimes you can just answer without psychoanalyzing you know...oh the line is long,the food must be good...you hungry?

We reached this place called Nasi Kandar 10 Pm or something but the layout didnt impress SOME OF US,so we ended up in Line Clear...

Wishful thoughts and Wishlists!

2009-12-17T21:27:00.002+03:00

So Reenakins has a wishlist, SYU boo had a wishlist...

NOW...let us get acquinted with MY wishlist.

1) Nikon D300 DSLR-i really do love photography...REALLY...

2) A Tissot,the exact model i can't remember,but take me along,i'll point it out.

3) A Pair of Sanuks-they are gorgeous,the model i want is called scribble.

4) Tag Heuer F1 series -The one with a Red Face.

5) Nokia E72

6) Mont Blanc Eau De Parfume and/or Carolina Harrera CH

7) A Pair of Nike Running Shoes (my current ones are worn out)

8) A starbucks tumbler (Ashes has pledged one for me)

9) A lifetime supply of books on demand!

I figured there are about 5 good souls who actually read my blog-if i could name them i would,but for the sake of you and i, we shall keep it quiet. That said, i don't see any problem with putting up a wishlist, because the ones who should be getting me something don't read my blog and Reenakins-thank you for the early christmas/birthday gift.

Merry Christmas everyone...

BitterSweet Symphony.

2009-12-06T16:21:00.001+03:00

Maya Angelou once said,"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

That said; i know i've caused you hurt and disappointment, and eventhough we've had an interesting 3 months, you are hurting and i know you are trying your best to cope, once that passes, i sincerely hope the way i made you feel is worth remembering.

The way you've made me feel in these last 3 months?

We were expressive, honest, bold, passionate...happy...and you evoked a few latent emotions,for that i Thank You.

You allowed me to be a child when i wanted to be one and You allowed me to be a woman when i wanted to be one.

I'm not as stoic as i look or come off to be.

My intentions were not to cause hurt or disappointment,but sadly as creatures blessed with both emotions and intelligence, there's no befitting way to react to something that threatens stability and happiness.

I know you still care, thank you for letting me know.

I will never forget the way you made me feel. I'm sorry.

Tight Jeans and Double Ds!

2009-11-24T19:49:00.002+03:00

There's a reason why i came up with terms like self preservation and territorial pissings,because they exsist to protect and preserve.

That said,allow me to enlighten you:

1) Be thankful that at least one human out there doesn't lie to you.

2) When you take the plunge,give it your all,because you'll never know when an angel would walk into your life again.

3)You may not be everyones cup of tea,you are acquired taste,convince the person sipping on you that you are something that the person could never have enough of. Like my relationship with earl grey.

4) If every action is an equal and opposite reaction, something is bound to happen,to wait and watch.

Good Night People.

Sexy Bitch!

2009-11-24T19:47:00.001+03:00

Yes, I can see her
'cause every girl in here wanna be her
Oh! She's a Diva...
I feel the same,
And I wanna meet her

They say: "She low down..."
It's just a rumour I don't believe 'em!
They say: "She needs to slow down..."
The *baddest* thing around town!

She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before!
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore!
I'm tryinna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful!!!

The way, that booty movin' - I can't take no more
Have to stop what I'm doin', so I can pull up her close
I'm tryinna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful

Damn Girl!!!

Damn, you the sexy bitch, the sexy bitch!
Damn, you the sexy bitch!

Damn Girl!!!

Damn, you the sexy bitch, the sexy bitch!
Damn, you the sexy bitch!

Damn Girl!!!

The emotion i link to this song,is unfuckingbelievable. It resonates on so many levels.Why?...i guess we are just like the next person.

Would you have the guts to say...

2009-11-24T07:05:00.003+03:00

There are misconceptions about life in general,especially those related to matters of the heart.Some wait for their blood to boil, some for erratic heart rates....and some who just have to have their fingers entwined and know that....this feels right.

I would safely say,i used to belong to the first kind...the visual kind,that needed convincing,the chemistry has to be right/the level of attraction/similar goals out of this encounter. (you know typical self preservation)

This time around....i did things differently,i allowed myself to take a plunge and with the encouragement of some very important people...i did it.

The Hands that i held...to illustrate it like the nerd that i am,well was like an enzyme-complement.It was a perfect fit.Our fingers entwined and it felt right.There were silences, it was either charged or comfortable...i would like to think it was confortable silence,but we both know that it was a supercharged one.

We are different people,you and i...

I'm practical, shallow, could get by the day with minimal communication, less emotionally expressive.

You are spontaneous, need constant communication (not needy,just constant touch), very unafraid to express yourself and of course not shallow...not deep either...haha...oh my,i think i just lost some perks.

We are however alike like this: Loyal,honest,romantic,stubborn, and eager to please.

To Quantify it, we have more in common than we think we do.

In short,if we were alike,we'd be bored by next week and there'll be nothing for us to explore and trust me when i tell you no one knows the definition of "moving fast"....

To answer your question; Yes we are exclusive and no,i am not going anywhere for a long long time.

Would you like to be my nicotine patch?

7/11

2009-11-07T18:55:00.001+03:00

I hate victims who respect their executioners- Jean Paul Sartre.

that is really how i feel about everything and everyone around me,thus absolutely loathing self pity.

Epic

2009-11-03T10:34:00.002+03:00

Am i a faulty device?

Maybe.

To be eccentric means to have one's axis located elsewhere,and not at the geometrical centre.

A deviant perhaps?

Maybe

Patterns in behaviour,exsist to offer us some amount of insight...to let us know "look you are doing it AGAIN!"

So, i've been trying to figure it out,my aim for simplicity is almost always ruined by self sabotage.Well,to put it rather flatly, if it doesn't involve resistance and hard work it probably isnt worth fighting for. Why is it soo difficult to accept things at face value?

I've been like that all my life,my appreciation for things/conquests are directly propotional to amount of back breaking feats i'll have to encounter.Thats probably my twisted logic dictating;NOTHING COMES EASY and there's no such thing as A FREE LUNCH!

I don't know how to deal with attention and appreciation directed towards me by my partner probably because at the peak of most of my (dys)functional relationships, i was the one who'd shower the other with attention and appreciation.Was that an unfair statement?maybe.Seriously i don't think this is going to leave anyone messed up.Its a statement based on what i used to be like in the past.

Also,sometimes...when i feel pressured or lets say suffocated (which isn't the case now,i am not suffocated nor am i pressured)...i act up like a spoilt child...which is plain rotten...not proud of it,but yes i have identified it.

The question now remains,will i be myself,and be able to give my 200% in any new relationship?

Yes i would like to think so,as i'm a huge fan of compartmentalization, my past is nicely packed away and yes it is the foundation for one's future,but its not an excuse,not for me.

However,after saying all that, let me just clarify that thoughts and actions are fluid,i'm changing daily,i'm learning something new everyday, i'm learning to be a little less selfish, i'm getting reacquainted with the notion of sharing spaces.It takes a little getting used to...

AM i AFRAID?

Maybe.

Are you going to be around to walk me through this?

Good Songs

2009-10-26T10:00:00.001+03:00

Girish picks up lyrics quickly...mostly quirky songs,because it has a ring to it and its catchy.

It boils down to the stickiness factor.Tipping Point,look it up.
The Stickiness Factor is a law about the actual informational content and packaging of a message. The stickiness factor says that messages must have a certain character which causes them to remain active in the recipients' minds. Moreover, they must be deemed worthy of being passed on.

Like Good Songs...

That aside,i haven't blogged much,maybe writers block or perhaps just been busy.

SO,Diwali weekend,came and went,it was awesome!!! It has to be a delicious concoction of people you love,gambling,home cooked food,friends and booze to make it special.Something about being surrounded by soo much happiness and love makes you oblivious to anything outside your 'vision field'.

That aside, receiving distrubing news isn't something very festive,especially when it involves 2 people whom you love unconditionally.For what its worth babies,i'm around and no i don't know what it feels like so i won't lie and say "i know what that feels like,but you've got to pull yourself together".However,i do intend on saying, take you time, clear your mind, ease into the correct gear,and i will be around through all of it.

As we grow older,we become slightly dry with hawk like vision-as far as meeting new people go.

Yes its an act of self preservation and yes, although the small wounds are the ones that sting like mad; its those big ass scars that leave a mess behind,not to mention also run a risk of developing an infection,eg:a laparotomy scar,it feels numb for a few hours, until you are aware that the analgesia has worn off...and then this nagging annoying pain hangs around,it doesnt let you move,sleep,eat,talk or even read.

That was just to illustrate why most of us become slightly cynical,dry and put on magnifying glasses.

Talking about good songs once again,yes i tend to digress,due apologies,but seriously if you are smart enough you'll catch up.

There's one particular song that has been in my head these last couple of days;

Its : I wanna be there,by Blessid Union of Souls.

Till the next one.

Honesty

2009-10-04T19:07:00.003+04:00

I find it amazing,how we are able to divulge our innermost thoughts and secrets to strangers whom we know,we'd never have to encounter ever again.

There was one thing though i told myself i would do and stick to till the end of my time here,is to make sure i tell no lies but i don't have to tell you the truth either...i could, tell you on a more need to know basis?so i wouldn't be untruthful,i would just be withholding information.

The point i am trying to make here is, don't you think life's simpler when all we could do is just tell it as it is?

Well,honestly i don't know life any other way so...this has been my way of life,and i doubt it'll be changing anytime soon.

However, whats really of interest to me now,is how much we bend the truth when it comes to ourselves.

Think about it,when was the last time you were extremly totally honest with yourself?

We sugar coat,rephrase,renact and distort the actualy premise of things that we are dealing with,just because its easier to digest.Its called denial.

So,now that i've agreed with myself (god i love my monologues) let us proceed to something more sensitive...

The question would be WHY?

WHY do we lie to ourselves?why are we in constant denial?

Its easier! there you go...we lazy lazy humans...always making life easier (mind you not simpler).

I might be wrong,but this happens to be a monologue...

SO, it has come to my attention that, the cheif propagating factor would be fear of acceptance, being judged, losing ones stand in general.

This would in turn tell me that,most of us, have an external locus of control with very poor self esteem?I mean, you should at least have the guts to fight for what yo believe in right? If you take the cowardly route and mould yourself to what the society wants, you are nothing exceptional, you are a LEMMING...how charming, let us all be dull and the unimaginative copies of one another...

Someone very wise once said, THE REASONABLE MAN ADAPTS HIMSELF TO THE WORLD,AND THE UNREASONABLE ONE ADAPTS THE WORLD TO HIMSELF.

7 am

2009-10-03T10:54:00.003+04:00

That was exactly the time i woke up this morning.All fresh and renewed,looking forward to the rest of the day. Its funny isn't it how we are able to wake up at a desired time on the weekends but not on a work day?

I have been catching up on my sleep,i have collectively slept a total of 20hours in the last 3 days,which by my schedule is an achievement.

So i started the day off,standing on the balcony watching the morning sun and the day unfold...of course it was peaceful and interesting-like did you know my neighbour wakes up at the same time everday to take his dog for his morning walk.routine.

We are creatures of habit.

After fixing a breakfast of milo and toast with ricotta cheese and honey, i made my journal entry and reflected,and of course caught my morning dose of Al-Jazeera, BBC and CNN.

Did you know that there's absolutely nothing to watch on Saturday mornings? Except for the discovery or history channel,there's abso-fucking-lutely nothing.Finally at about 8.30 i decided i could use more shut eye and preceeded back into my little lair and snoozed for another 3 hours...such bliss!

Friday was rather nice,i spent the first half working and the second half with my folks.By the time we called it a night, i was knackered!

I still have a good half a day left off my saturday...will bring about some mind sharpening thoughts for your entertainment in the next one.

p/s:i have a reader from Michigan.

Withdrawal

2009-09-30T19:02:00.002+04:00

My head has been throbbing in pain, i'm not in a bad mood though,i'm easily excitable...funny isn't it?

Well, so today is day 2 without any form of 'Black Gold' thats my term for coffee. My favourite food groups Coffee, C********* and Cereals.I have officially abandoned 1 out of 3, Soon it'll be 2 out of 3, then all i'll ever have to my credit will be cereals.Do you have any idea how pathetic that is? All the great thinkers were coffee lovers or drunks,although i'd like them to be coffee drinkers.

So,i have officially quit 2 detrimental habits,but coffee seriously?

I take great pride in making my daily brew in a french press,and then savouring every sip with soo much passion and enthusiasm.

I love Black Ink.Every journal entry of mine in in Black Ink.Its classy and understated.

So i have been reading up a little.

Perhaps that shall give me more insights.

I have nothing to worry about.

Bye Bye September.12 weeks left to rock the world!

Lets Take a Walk

2009-09-27T19:52:00.002+04:00

The Oh-So overrated law of attraction has gotten my attention-finally!

Its quite simple really,if i were to break it down and explain to others what i want based on what i have been attracting we'd all be having quite a laugh.Really.

I subconsciously want to be psycho analysed and throughly teased-thats if the law of attraction exsists.

The Good thing is however...i am always having the good life...i i'd have to agree comes from the LAW OF ATTRACTION because i CONSCIOUSLY want it.

EG:

1)I wanted a medical career whereby in the next 6-8months i wont have to be oncall or shipped off to some dept that is short,just so that i can have my weekends free and most of my evenings free-and i HAVE it.

2)I wanted more insights, i keep getting them-formally or informally either ways i am getting it.

3)I want to spend adequate time with people who matter and i do.

4)I want more out of my present life-and i am propelling myself towards it.

5)I want to keep intouch with lost buddies,and i do.

So the law of attraction is working for all these things...

What i dont understant though,is why would anyone who hasn't spoken to me in the last 10yrs,ask me a whole bunch of penetrating questions,some personal some general and then conclude that, i am boring-ish albeit funny? Oh yes and while at that also admit that i was psychoanalysed-because i had an interesting element to my profile which of course i don't know about.

Then again i personally consider it to be a compliment when people find you interesting-i mean if your conversations aren't mind boggling, why would i continue talking to you right?

So that aside,i was left with a phone number-to keep in touch or to call when i am in town-another interesting element for me, i liked the fact that this person assumed i was interested in keeping in touch.

Perhaps as my Dad quite nicely puts it,"you could sell a fridge to an eskimo"

That aside,i have developed a fondness or perhaps a soft spot,i don't quite know how to characterize this emotion,but its a nice one for someone new but not quite new..

Its interesting because you learn on a daily basis.

Diverting form our little walk;

Well,as Reena quite accurately observed-its all about proving 'something'...both of us are quite baffled about this something...oh well whatever it is...i am sure it shall be revealled in due time.

You know whats the other thing i like-absolutely like...the fact that everytime i walk into the starbucks right across my apartment, i am treated like a rockstar...ok that was a bit much, its warm and they know how i like my latte- No foam and not too hot,with the occational shot of esspresso.

You are right about starbucks going the extramile.With you on that.

Familiarity, not breeding any contempt in this territory.

Reenakins,for what its worth, your posts arent angry-they are insightful...the problem is though there are many layers to an emotion,thus to identify its exact nature could be deceitful, tiresome and sadly discouraging.

I am around.Always.Holding your hands and talking you for long long walks.

Signed, with love, Prawn Prawn.

Retrospective Entries

2009-09-19T20:33:00.003+04:00

I hate retrospective entries, noticed the strong emotion linked to the title?

Its highly disturbing and very painfully 'righteous'.

We almost always have ALL the god damn answers retrospectively, we all KNOW retrospectively, suddenly we are all sodding geniuses...because we can and choose to say 'you could've or you should've...'

Seriously?save it!

you can't turn back time to that exact moment of judgement,which would have most probably been clouded by various brutal factors,which today at this very moment you can't recall.don't beat yourself up,you are human afterall.

Also,retrospective entries in my line of work means, my entry is coming in right after my patient was pronounced dead...after painstakingly tring to save a life,my entry would state my actions and probably cause of death based on clinical evidence.

Life generally sends you huge servings of 'retrospective entry potentials' and of course we measly not so wise humans are susceptible creatures arent we? we retrospectively contribute to obsolete-ness.Thank heavens there are alien life forms out there.

Sometimes i think and feel that these are just glorified criticisms and pure reflection of self contempt.

Why can't we learn from the first RETROSPECTIVE ENTRY? Because we are all suckers for punishment.

This post,is for you and me from me.

I would like to be selfish.

Don't you fake it

2009-09-04T21:09:00.002+04:00

When you fail to see variation in your life,you know you've hit a brick wall as far as being alive is concerned, now all you aim to do is get on with life and do what needs to be done while feeling moderately satisfied with your accomplishments for the day.

Bore: one who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation.
Benjamin Disraeli

This caught me earlier on today,when i was going through my old books, during which time i was actually supposed to be 'organizing the study'...oh well.

Whenever i hit a brick wall,i take a break, read a book, run or simply vanish from the world for a good 2/3 days...usually i'd drive back to my folks' and spend the weekend in the comfort of my safe zone.

I've been on a much needed break these last 5 days,and i can't help but notice a slight shift in my equilibrium...i'm guessing its for the better.

For one, i just realised that i'm not the only one who imagined the Micheal Buble song-feeling good-to have the same imaginary video. (prawn prawn don't forget the top hats)

Next, who knew all i needed for a good 2 hours fun was a car, Grong Grong and mundane chores.

When using instant brownie mixes no one does it better than ReenaKins. (it was lovely babe)

When your friends decide you have an anger issue-you probably do,and just accept it at face value,chances are you are leading a high strung lifestyle,and if you don't accept it,they may try enrolling you into Anger Management classes...nah really i am kidding they wouldn't.

Of course as with any holiday that i have which includes beekins and prawn prawn we always discover good food...

Finally on a work day if you find 3 people who don't look like students but too healthy looking and well dressed to look jobless,in a starbucks, thats probably us, 10 yrs from now,working...

When all else fails, you should sit in a mamak, and laugh about your accomplishments for the day!How else do you share some of that awesomeness that you acquired throughout the day?

Theodicy

2009-08-23T19:09:00.004+04:00

"And so something which I thought I was seeing with my eyes is in fact grasped solely by the faculty of judgment which is in my mind." Descartes.

I Don't plan to sound profound and educated today, i just plan to think and ponder and space out.

I had one of those days where regardless how much you sleep,you still need the sleep and it doesn't help that you are under the influence of some cellular structure changing molecule in your bloodstream.

There comes a time in everyones life, unless of course you never ever have to encounter this phase-just because you are built differently.

See i have been thinking about how much i've been able to dent and leave significant scars on other people.When i say dent i dont mean damage to the point of permanent emotional trauma but more like,i'd be like to be that ache deep in you,that you'd never let go of...it disguises itself as a 'feel good' moment and thats how you'd like to remember it.

How shall we rephrase it then? shall i call it nostalgia? dependancy?

Regardless of how we phrase it, we all have at least 1 person who isn't blood related who leave a deep mark in your life-i am not talking about exes, i'm talking about people whom you let into your life and with whom you are no one else but YOU. Its difficult for anyone to say they have more than one, infact most people can't think of one single person.

I, would like to leave a small dent, in someone's life...because when nothing else is left of me, i will menifest or at least parts of me will menifest in the thoughts of the person whose life i touch.

I would like to read you to bed sometime, i could be the ride of your life. I should give myself a shot.

Lets allow Babel Gilberto lullaby us to sleep tonight.

To Infinity and Beyond!

2009-08-22T22:16:00.003+04:00

If there's one thing i've learnt in my very short yet significant life is that, any plan you make, regardless of how airtight it is, if it has a component that can go wrong, it may.

When that happens though, what you are suppose to do is pick up the pieces of your broken blueprints in good humor and attempt it AGAIN.

I used to be able to say (when i was 21/22) , in 10 yrs time i will have 1 million ringgit in my bank account, be successful ie a surgeon and HOT....as in drop-dead-fucking-gorgeous.

Now, Today at a ripe yet tender age of 26 going on 27, i will say with conviction that i WON'T have 1 million in cash. maybe i may be on a path of becoming a surgeon and still with confidence i shall say i SHOULD be drop dead gorgeous when i am 30.

Here's the thing about plans-don't make em, really don't...they are a utter waste of time.

Why not, go about doing things taking small plausible steps; don't make plans. Execute wants!

Go about today DOING THINGS!...

Anyway, that aside: i am going to sleep in and recuperate.

Please let me leave you with Bob Sinclair-Rock this party!

Pharyngitis?

2009-08-17T20:17:00.003+04:00

I've been feeling a little under the weather recently, it isn't viral, its most likely bacterial and we are all heading towards a mental burn out.

I got the day off from my boss, i just need to sleep this one out,really, its chronic fatigue with subclinical symptoms of either pharyngitis or some other upper respiratory tract infection.

Mistake No 1:

Don't tell anyone, especially your family that you've gotten the day off and are planning on resting it out, because they will have to talk to you SUDDENLY at 10 am,when you would routinely be at work and the discussion could wait till 5, but on a day like today, it has to be done STAT!

To top it all off, you would've drugged yourself with anti tussives or anti histamines and you antibiotic, which means you are reasonably groggy, and if you fail to sleep, you will end up with a pounding headache.The ONLY way you could sleep through is if your phone doesnt ring.Mine rang, in half hour intervals,with the whole world needing to talk to me that very second.

Mistake No 2:

Never NOT turn off your phone, refer to previous paragraph.

Mistake No 3:

Don't overdo your drugs,once again refer to mistake no 1.

Well that aside,mum being mum, sent me soup and we went home hunting earlier, this place is nice, furnished, nice spread, old furniture, could use a new coat of paint, and needs to be refloored.We didn't meet the owners,which to me is a big no no,i always must meet the owners before i make my decision.

I've been over doing my classical saxaphone music, i think Vindhya has had enough classical saxaphone for a year. I know this wasnt one of my usual brilliant posts, i will get back to that mode soon.

Toodles.

Shift.

2009-07-25T07:18:00.000+04:00

It takes a colossal amount of motivation for change in ones life.Often, it usually follows an episode of great distress-be it emotional, mental or physical.

For example, most of us (the average Malaysian) doesn't think twice about banana leaf or nasi kandar lunches until they obtain their shabby looking lipid profile results.-Physical Anxiety

An average school kid wouldn't see the need to put in certain number of hours or take a different approach to a subject matter until he/she fails a certain subject.-Mental anxiety

I'm hopeless with Emotional observations so we'll skip that one.

The point i'm trying to make is, to truly change a certain aspect of our life, we'd have to be uncomfortable with where we are right now. We do not evolve if we get comfortable. We do not become better versions of ourselves.

If lets say i became a complacent doctor, who becomes accustomed to a mediocre lifestyle, i wouldn't need to generate a huge income to support my lifestyle and i wouldn't need to specialize further.Some of you might argue that specializing only requires passion, but i disagree. You need more than just passion to propel you through something as tedious and demanding as a specialization programme-you first of all :

a)Need to be uncomfortable with where you are in life currently-as in the whole hierarchy and earning capacity.

b)Need to have an insight over where you see yourself-do you WANT to specialize because everyone is or because you want to?Would you be happy with that particular course?

c) Finally-passion.

Based on my personal experience, i honestly am not as fired up for the AMC as i was for the MRCS- when i looked in me for answers-this is what i got:

-when i sat for the MRCS i wanted to prove a point to myself and the people around me that i do deserve to be in a surgical and not a medical based dept.

-i had completed my housemanship and JMO postings,and i was all fired up at the thought of ortho, so i thought lets gauge myself,lets see where i belong.Lets sit for an exam.

-I wanted to be the first or at least the most different one amongst my peers who were (at that time) chilling.

and i had and still have a passion for a surgical based dept.

Don't get me wrong,i am fired up for the AMC,but not like i was for the MRCS.i want to do the AMC,because i want something better for myself,i don't want to be slogging all day to get some guy who works at Mc D's to outearn me.

The AMC is a passport, to furthering my studies, it is a ticket for a different kind of walkabout.

The other example of discomfort bringing out the best in me would be my exercise habits-i exercise with a higher intensity the days i feel unhealthy-just to compensate for that feeling.If i felt great, i would exercise just as hard but i wont push myself to a level of burnout.

In a nutshell, to see change, to evolve we all have to at some point get uncomfortable with our surroundings/ourselves. Only then will our internal system propel us to the level of greatness that some could only imagine but not realise.

Retrogress

2009-07-13T17:55:00.002+04:00

Believe me, Malaysians aren't as cool as the title!

We as a nation DON'T READ! there you go...plain and simple.

See, we've been having problems with our numbering system at the clinic,so my boss asked us to come up with strategies to iron the mess out. So me being the oh-so-self-proclaimed-genius that i am, came up with Images as tools to enlighten the masses of our system.

Well, the sign, i might like to add is HUGE as in HUGE...i hope that made a point. It doesn't require a rocket scientist to decipher and its all numbers.

Initially,upon implementation, we found that the crowd was co-operative, but as time went on, Malaysians being the pathetic Vandals that they are, decide to rip off the notice off our doors and then knock on our doors to say the system is unclear and we should put up a sign. *sigh*

Anyway,i let that slip and got the nurses to put up new signs, and YET they knock on our doors saying the numbering is unclear. WTF?

Seriously, what does this indicate?...we as a nation, DON'T-BLOODY-READ!

Its far cheaper to send text messages and sit about in the mamak,hell even cable TV is affordable,but are books? NO. Ok now i'm digressing from the main subject in discussion.

See the point i'm trying to make is, we are retrogressing, its sad, very sad. I shudder to think of what the education system of this country is going to be like in the next 5 years, i am glad my youngest brother is out of the system. Whats even worse is that, the Malaysian lifestyle is too goddamned lackadaisical- the teachers don't encourage you to read, the media doesn't encourage you to read, the bookstores don't encourage you to read , our newspapers are a joke, most of us don't think ourside the box ; most of us DON'T THINK. At the rate things are going now, reading will become a privilege like caviar and champagne because a) its rare b) its expensive c) its acquired taste. Thats quite fine by me, see, being the pompous-egoccentric person that i am, its quite a grand feeling to be a part of the minority- 2% of the entire worlds' population.

Its 2217...i should get back to my pillow now...till the next one.

The Joker

2009-07-12T13:34:00.002+04:00

Do you know what happened today?

I woke up unceremoniously at 0738, stared at my watch in total disbelieve because i was soo fresh and renewed, it felt like i had been asleep for almost 8 hours,when in reality i had only been asleep for 5 hours or therebouts.

So i practically jumped out of bed-excited and all, about being awake soo darn early,the DAMPENING part though,was the fact that it hadn't stopped raining since yesterday and when i drew the curtains,there wasn't any sun-the perfect weather to continue sleeping in...but as always,i HAVE to do things differently.

Did i mention though that its a sunday?...i mean who wakes up at 0738 on a sunday morning?

Anyway, i stretched, visited the loo,drank a good liter of water with my vitamins, put the water to boil and started the washing machine...looked around,found what i was reading the night before...got back into bed and read...by then a whole hour had passed-and it was time!...yes the bowel movement ensued...(i'm sorry i take soo much pride in my bowel movement but...its one of those things that make my day complete)

A good shower later i was sitting infront of the morning news with marmalade toast and coffee...there was nothing new though,just that now the Turks are calling the Killings in Urumqi 'Genoside'...i mean COME ON?....seriously?...the highest number of deaths are amongst the Han Chinese who AREN'T muslims...so please lets wipe the self pity off the table for now.

While flossing,i noticed that the once perfectly sculpted eyebrows of mine were now sprouting new growth and it wasn't exactly attractive...so...right after the morning ritual of news and breakfast i headed out to get my eyebrows done.

Here's the thing about driving out in Penang early sunday mornings, its Abso-fucking-lutely beautiful...no road hoggers,no maniac drivers, no delusional 'Humvee' drivers who occupy 2 lanes, ah such bliss...almost therapeutic.

On my way home i picked up the newspaper...and while driving home, i just realised how much i love sundays...especially when i am surrounded with the people i love. For those of you who have read previous entries of mine, you would know by now that i love sunday brunch or at least connecting with people. so here's where the problem starts.

By the time i got home, which was around 11am, i had already decided that its been a fantastic sunday,and to top it off,all i had to do was pick up the phone and call a bunch of people to have lunch with.So thats when i realised,that i don't actually have my folks or my close friends around here...for me to call on and head out to lunch with.Now, when i got home, Vindaloo (my housemate) was making lunch plans with Siva (her friend,who is also my friend) and invited me to join...guess what i do?...decline the invitation!....i know i know...and you wonder why i make a fuss about it being sunday and....lunch and stuff like that...oh well...i guess sometimes...you just feel like makng a fuss about things and you dont need a reason to do so.

What eventually happened was that, i ordered in from Kapitan-and watched Nothing but the truth on DVD (awesome watch)...and right NOW,as i type all of this ....i am sipping on a velvety latte...and thinking why am i not doing something else?...

Well...i guess i will...till then,if you do get a chance - pick up Mogwai's I know who you are but who am i?

Current read: Tipping Point.

Walkabout

2009-06-19T19:50:00.003+04:00

My post was more that a month ago and a lot of things have changed.

Remember the post about having my walkabout?well...i'm on my walkabout and its awesome!
Abso-fucking-lutely mind blowing and enlightening.
I've been away for 8 days now and its refreshing.

Sa Wah Dee Kah,form the land of King Rama V.Yes,i'm on my Rotary GSE,albeit short its been a major download of information for me and i'm loving every second of it.

SO we are a team of 4, a leader and 3 members.Its the usual mix chinese malay indian...
and while they are at a Go Go show i'm sitting here and trying to blog unsuccessfully...

Location:Phuket....look out for updates this weekend.

27

2009-04-25T22:13:00.003+04:00

You know what's Ironic?

In a typical day i see up to 120 patients who quite so willingly put their lifes in my hands-without a shred of doubt,with the hope that i deliver my very best and nothing less of course.They trust my decision, me, a complete stranger whose only claim to earning that trust is my degree and practice as a doctor.

Yet, for some unfathomable reason, you will always be incapable of sound decisions ONLY crucial ones mind you, in the eyes of the people who love you the most, as to them, you'll always be that wailing, cooing, nappy soiling creature that you were more than 2 decades ago.I'll always be reminded of my 'baby talk' and incomprehensible sense of style or my acquired taste for foods that most humans don't consume at the age of 2. Elephant- Effelant,you know...

That said, i really have nothing to complain about as i was always, ALWAYS asked to make my own decisions and rationalize them with my parents, at the age of 17 i was a "level headed and sound decision making teenager" but at 27...i'm anything but that.

Anyway, on the brighter side of things, Appu, has accepted Intel's offer at Bayan Lepas, which means we'll be in the same city yet again...i think this is my chance at getting to know my brother a little better.We've always been close, and talk about almost anything, but as its understood i only saw him and treated him as my younger brother who needs my protection and completely left our friendship to rot. Nevertheless, i am pleased with the fact that we are still friends till today...maybe just not as good as we used to be a couple of years back.

Girish on the otherhand has dropped the bombshell on my mum "i think i'll enroll in the May course of the American degree programme...i have to leave in the next 4 days"

This of course is difficult for someone whose umbilical cord still hasn't been severed. No doubt, she'll feel the loss-he was her confidante, friend, son, coach, physiotherapist, cuddle toy and loyal companion day in, day out...for as long as Appu and i have been away. (7 long years)

This would just mean that i should start rescheduling my locums and try spending as many weekends as possible with my folks so that the vaccum left by my youngest sibling isn't too harsh for them to handle.

till the next one, here's some Poe to ponder over.

It is the nature of truth in general, as of some ones in particular, to be richest when most superficial.

Just another one of those...

2009-04-23T17:43:00.000+04:00

The days are just too warm and the nights sometimes hopelessly stuffy,global warming is getting to me.

These days,i find communicating a chore...be it the phone,internet or face to face. I've concluded that my usual inspirations and mind bogglers are too far from me thus leaving my mind a little bit idle. Whats even worse is the fact that i can't sleep through the night without waking up at least twice,first to pee, and second...to pee again. Then trying to fall asleep takes up soo much effort,i get tired trying to sleep and wake up some what more tired than before i went to bed. This i believe has been a contributor to my wasting communication skills.

Initially i blamed it on the endorphines circulating in my stream, as i worked out late evenings, then i blamed it on the fact that my biological clocks hay wire.NoW, i know...all i have to do is discipline my sleeping pattern.

Whats also getting to me is the amount of shit that happens at work and the people i have to cope with through the day, and sometimes i HAVE to sit through a whinning session.

So, now thats sorted, lets get to what i've just worked on...so i remember in the begining of the year i came up with the resolve to become a better me through my mini walkabouts, well, that hasnt been happening much but whats good is that i also promised myself to get from FLAB to FIT.

Now, what i embarked on was an extensive study on supplements and work outs and plans.And as i type this in, my 8 Week rooster is printing out, i'm giving myself 8 weeks to lose 44 pounds!

That works out to about 5 pounds a week with a 1500 Kcal diet rich in Complex carbs, Fibre, Protein and ONLY good fats.

I'm hoping though, my other side..."lazy bones" would choose to remain latent through this period of time. What i am Hoping to achieve is a lifetime of fitness with the ability to cheat my genes into believing i am not meant for any chronic illnesses.

Aims:

HBA1C of 4.0-4.5%, LDL of 1.5, Cholesterol of 3.0, Triglycerides of 0.5, Body Fat percentage of 15%.

And of course looking like i always do...like an understated artwork.

I've come to realise that my obsession with all of the things that i LIKE has made me a hermit, i simply stay away from all that doesn't appeal to me.

The other thing that has been bugging me is the fact that my folks have been pressuring me into meeting tonnes of people in view of marriage...trust me indian men aren't all that appealing, and as much as i'd hate to admit it, watching a movie like "he's just not that into you" could hit the spot dearly.

Sometimes i feel like somethings not right...like there's something incredible waiting to happen...to just fall out of nowhere....leaving me in a more palatable situation than before it happened.

Right now,i honestly feel unhealthy and am eager...for this transitional phase to leave and never come back to this side of the universe.

My P-53 gene was suppose to get its moment of fame in this blog, but i'll get to that another time. Cheers to all things nasty especially procastination.May it be left where it belongs, and thats not with ME.

My mindset right NOW,till kingdom comes will be from Benjamin Disraeli

"A consistant soul believes in destiny, a capricious one in Chance"

The Rainmaker

2009-03-15T17:28:00.002+03:00

My mum calls me The Rainmaker, not because i remind her of the John Grisham novel but because, its always raining when i arrive or it starts to rain when i'm about to leave home,some believe its a good omen. I'm just not too sure why.

The weekend was fantastic, i drove home after a super long friday,left the island at about 10pm and was home in the nick of time (15mins to midnight) just to blow candles and wish Girish.

Family lunch was abso-fucking-lutely lovely, it was great just to break bread together, laugh and have animated conversations. Beekins and Reena made an effort to be present and that by itself said a lot. This family of mine is leaving yet again for another 3months at most, to complete the bridging course and the exam. Our midnight conversations will have to be put on hold for the time being.

I had this warm fuzzy feeling inside the whole time, it had been sometime since i had seen Appu, let alone have a meal with him. Papa was of course very cute,as he loves poking everyone's food.

On the way back, i did something i hadn't done in a long long time, i slept in my mum's arms and it was serene, it made me feel like nothing in the world could spoil my moment now...nothing mattered. I guess i'll never really grow up, i'll always be my parents' baby. The funny thing is, all 3 of us are like that, with Girish being the biggest baby. He'd climb on both my parents as if he was a toddler, mind you we are talking about a 181cm 75 kg adult! Till today he cuddles my mum and dad at night; and when either Appu or I are home he loves jumping into bed with us just to chat, ask questions and share a little bit of his thoughts.

He's a wonder child. Cheers to you Girish, please remain the way you are.

Anyway, today was nothing less than special as well, as always, Mum made breakfast and Papa fussed over me...while i sat staring at the Laptop Screen cussing and groaning,they pretended not to hear a word i was saying and were cracking jokes between themselves.

M: "The temperature in the kitchen is a little high isn't it Hari?"

P: "urm...yeah..*chuckles*...yes...very hot in here la Sus, i think we should ban office work in the kitchen"

They actually thought i wasn't listening.

I'd honestly be lost without my folks.

The next 3 months will be all work and no play, till the Bees get home that is.

Jason Tan Hon Pin and Reena Charlene Lopes,go kick some Aussie ass,ill see you guys soon.

p53

2009-03-12T18:45:00.002+03:00

As I write this, Muse’s Feeling Good is playing; the beauty about that song is that it is a positive song with a melancholic undertone. Perfect asymmetry.
As writing seems to be an important component of self exploration, I’ve found that music provides the perfect soundtrack to your moods and emotions, I’m in that place where indifference and serenity covers my anxiety, what better music could you think of than Gotan Project?

Do you know why most organizations rebrand?

I’ll tell you why I’d rebrand; nothing beats being able to redesign your identity, to be able to make art out of plain canvas, to be new and to be able to rebrand is ultimately being able to turn back time, now wouldn’t you trade that for anything?
Rebranding grants you a second lease on life, when I say life, I don’t mean turn back time, or undo mistakes; just teaching you how to handle the truth and making right out of a wrong situation. Most of the time,these situations are left as they are and it heads towards a downward spiral.

Reena once told me

“I’ve always thought of a life story, a memoir...but who are my target audience? Your life’s pretty interesting babe, your life could be a story”

Well, I could safely say my life was anything but mundane, how many could say that? No hang on; put me on national television and I’ll say “I’m a pretty boring person”

Most of the time all I do is day dream, and I mean dream big. As I have an affinity for reaffirming and sounding repetitive I’d like to say once again that I simple have Taste, I only want the BEST, see? Now that wasn’t too difficult to understand was it?

Musicals; have always been something that releases enormous amounts of endorphins into my stream, alongside exercise and my 3 great friends. Whenever i think back, I realise that I’ve completely locked out my really bad memories like how one would do everything to polish a scratch off a car door. I could be incredibly positive about life, and these days I nothing but think big impossible dreams (by definition of someone who is mediocre ) or in my lingo, big very plausible dreams.

Reena’s midnight chat went something like this:
R: So I was thinking maybe you can come visit bee and me once we’ve settled down in Melbourne, but that would be impossible if your leave is over...
V: Don’t worry babe, I’m sure something would pop up enabling me to be there...
R: YEAH!! You could get fired!
V: Why not hired, but this time in Melbourne? Why so bleak?
R: Bahahahahahahaahahahaha...
Yes that was literally the conversation.

I would like to think of myself as an acquired taste, like a rare bottle of vintage Pinot Noir, Foie Gras and maybe Beluga caviar.

A brief look at old me: DJ-ed at Hard Rock Moscow, thought English to an expatriate family, extremely into team sports, part nerd part juvenile delinquent, wanna-be speed racer, potential Patch Adams. I’m also quite an eccentric individual with exceptionally good taste in cars, watches and music. Could be painfully selfish and narcissistic. Still I think I get a lot of love and admiration from those who know of me.

There was a time of my life which when i really think about it, i realise that i wasn’t at all proud of whom i had become, and as clichéd as that might sound, i think thats what had made me who i am today. They say every curve ball life sends your way is meant to be an angle of evolution. I am evolving. Definitely.

I kept what i liked very much about myself and am constantly in a battle to eliminate all those things i thoroughly dislike about myself.
Perhaps we could agree upon the fact that I am a far cry from whom i used to be, a better version perhaps? Viroshini 3.0?

A very dear person to me once told me that none of us could restart with a clean slate without some amount of self bashing. Isn’t that the purpose of a clean slate?

How would you evolve without acceptance or closure?

I had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine, who summed me up very nicely; you think highly of yourself but aren’t egoistic, impatient, loyal, laidback, ambitious, easy to get along with and loves being pampered.

Fair enough, I would agree with that summation. The only thing she left out was short tempered.
Where would I see myself going this year? Not too sure at this very moment, perhaps I should consult the Tarot card reader whom I met today at work.

Work. Now work’s pretty interesting, i meet a wide range of characters, they all add spice to my life, its quite amazing how we could grasp soo much if we used the power of observation.

I love to people watch. Its like bird watching but only you are free to use your imagination and classify into genus and species that you want, not reference books or vision aid, just you, your imagination and a whole load of people.

Sometimes, we get a knot in our stomachs it’s more of an ESP thing, it’s what happens when you are full of anticipation and someone totally teases you with the information-by of course withholding it!...

I love surprises, good ones of course and life’s full of good surprises...at least i think so, I’m a fan of Mr.Brightside remember?

When you want to get all fired up a good tune would be Wagner’s Flight of the Valkyries. Trust me on that one.

Oh by the way, p53 is actually a Guardian Genome, see what it does is that...ill continue this in about 10minutes...

Folie A Deux

2009-03-09T18:55:00.002+03:00

That literally translates into 'Madness between two'. We'd be lucky enough if in our lifetime to ever have a moment of 'folie a deux' ...most of us go through life hoping to never encounter such a beautiful and profound moment,which could only be shared with someone soo dear to you and of course loved.

Its a matter of having the same wavelength, principles and naturally similar or opposing passions.

Last week was eventful, there were extremly beautiful moments and absolutely mind boggling ones; i don't know why i didn't make it into the top 6- thats mind boggling.

I had achieved what i intended with both my family and extended family over the last week, i remained my usual optimistic self till last thursday,which was the day i discovered they had already selected the TOP 6.

Oh well, maybe i at meant for greatness, just not as a Rookie. As beekins put it,

"Professional drivers just don't qualify to be rookies babe!"

That aside,what really baffles me is the fact that we were told that we'd be informed personally-that was a verbal honour and too bad, it doesn't exsist in today's world, The knowledge of that had actually left me quite surprised as i thought, the younger and more exposed we are, chances are we'd honour our words; sometimes your principles are sidelined.You wouldn't have much of a spine left by the time you turn 30.

I've been trying to get my hands on Faust by Goethe...Malaysia is quite an infant,and needs some exposure,and Malaysians,just don't read enough.

Secret Smile

2009-02-26T20:45:00.000+03:00

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I'm losing, I'm bluesing
But you can save me from madness

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So save me I'm waiting
I'm needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now

When you are flying around and around the world
And I'm lying alonely
I know there's something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only

Flight of the Valkyries

2009-02-22T18:53:00.002+03:00

Thats one of Wagner's famous pieces,which i assume gained popularity with the masses after the much acclaimed Tom Cruise movie "Valkyrie".

Well,i just got back from my Practical/Ice Breaking session at Sunway/Shah Alam for the Red Bull Rookies. I was abso-fucking-lutely awesome! Imagine Adrenaline laced with red bull,severe competition as in competant and tough competition...tell me,whats not to like about the weekend?

Also,i had quality time, with both my folks and my extended family...Saturday was an eye opener,as i understood what the media wants...they want interesting people who play by the borders of SAFE...which i'm not soo sure i was.

Anyway, in my short interview i was asked to tell about myself and i actually said "i'm a boring person, who reads extensively, goes to the gym 3 times a week, hang out and chat over coffee with my friends and mostly work"

...thats me in present tense but i am FAR from boring...i'm a practicing doctor who plays basketball,futsal and pool and represented my varsity in the intervarsity games in Moscow, while i was at that,i DJ-ed for a bit at Hard Rock Moscow and then went on to teach English to an Expatriate Korean Family,pretty good at paintball too...could drink like a fish at some point.

Oh well,i missed that boat...too bad...now i'll have to rebrand myself.

I want to be one of the Top 6,and something tells me,even though the competition was tough...i will be there...i am FEELING GOOD.

I'm realigning myself with my goals...till the next one.

Bali

2009-01-28T14:59:00.002+03:00

As the title is self explainatory,we shall just get to business.

Our very tiring albeit fun journey started on the 23rd of Jan and ended on the 26th of Jan...as i type this out, i' am fighting the urge to drown myself in Benedryl...i hate, and i mean HATE being sick,makes you soo counter productive and thats not the person that i am!

Bali was the same as it was 2 years ago,but just slightly different,its probably because i'm taking everything in with a different view?

It was absolutely refreshing and of course we had a blast,i'm glad all the first timers had enoumours fun.The food was really good and Jimbaran's seafood dinner was out of this world.

Remember how i said my walkabout starts today in my last entry?it really did start at that time,i've gotten myself a copy of Animal Farm by Orwell just to expand my view on communism and if you think about it,wouldn't you be curious to know who portrays a pig the best?

right now,my nose is blocked,i've got tears welling up in my eyes and...i've got a sorethroat!!

well...let me finish who'll cry when you die and continue enlightening you people.

More about Walkabouts

2009-01-18T18:31:00.003+03:00

Lets continue with the next observation;

4)I desperately need a walkabout.....lets call it 'self-preservation'.

5)I've become intolerant of stupidity, unreasonable obsessions, small talk, self pity, victim talk and certain types of humans.

6)I didn't see the 26 year old me as the person i am today, i'm not sure of what i exactly saw,but i think it did involve being elsewhere, doing something more significant and still living the good life.

Don't get me wrong, i was made to serve and get my hands soaked in blood, its just that, i'm not sure if i should be here or someplace in Sierra Leone working in a MSF camp.

7) As much i did enjoy bringing along my favourite vices with me, i think i should CONSIDER quitting my carcinogenic pack of 20s.

8) I have to get into a fitness regime...this means serious business and being in OPD, is giving me time to spend on getting fit from fat.

9) Sure i've conquered MRCS part 1, there's still part 2 and 3...lets not forget my ingenious plan of leaving the country.

10) Orthopedics is it i guess,its fun and it involves power drills,nuts, bolts, screws, nails and spine surgeries.

11) My walkabout starts today, with books, the discovery channel, small trips, luxurious time with loved ones, getting fit and being an honest human being.

Lets call this my declaration for now...i'm sure i'll come up with something brilliant by the end of the year,and life's been good to me of late, i've been getting my much needed cerebral orgasms with Beekins and Reena,my rekindled relationship with Azie and of course...my baby boss...she's always around to shed some light and make me Mr.Brightside whenever i need to be.By the way, we've been friends and i mean.....reeaaallllyy good friends for 8 years now.Time does fly.

In our guts (Reena, Syu and Mine) we know 2009 will be a good year...and i'm not going to make it any lesser than that.

I'll soon be sipping Mojitos on the beach...will tell you how that walkabout goes.

Walkabout

2009-01-18T16:18:00.004+03:00

When Hitler decided to write a book, he thought of 'Mein Kempf' a very poorly written autobiography which i assume went well with the Nazis and made it to the dinner table of the Churchills.

Most of us make declarations; a very well thought through and meticulous action plan...for the benefit of 'self' of course. Very alike to Hitler's 'Mein Kempf', just without the pompousness and foolish pride.

The New Year came and went and through this time i did absolutely everything to keep myself occupied and not think of resolutions,i did however think of one very reasonable thing to do,i took my favourite vices and junkie shoes with me.

Through this time, i sat for a paper...rekindled old friendships and tried desperately to have my 'walkabout'.

Here's the thing about walkabouts...you dont learn much,infact you don't learn at all if you decide to sit yourself in the comfort of your living room and not move for about 12 hours. I mean, it is called a walkabout for a reason isn't it?

Some things i did realize was that;

1)Penang drivers are useless and tire me effortlessly.Seriously.

2) I don't like remaining idle (yeah i have work and some form of life)

3) I need to achieve something remarkable....soo abso-fucking-lutely remarkable that it would blow anyone's mind out...no really...

i shall continue this in a bit.

26

2008-12-30T10:21:00.002+03:00

Poker, Chablis, Junkie Shoes, Family, Pseudo-intellectuallism, Life, Aspirations, Needs, Goofing off...is how i'd describe turning 26 was.

I had a remarkable birthday, well as reens put it, "the converse dream and the good charlotte look"...yeah i totally pulled that one off.

The 4 of us- Beekins, Todler Jeff, Reena and meself had a 3 day holiday in penang of course...thanks guy.

it felt funny turning 26 biologically while being 5 yrs old in all other senses.the girls i.e homies got me a nice handbag, bee,jeffy and reens got me a pair of converse, Praveen bought me dinner and a very well improvised cake...(big apple doughnuts)!

must say,i am one lucky person...26 seems to have started on the right foot,i'm sure i'd have a lot to look forward to in 2009.

Cheers

Ain't No Mountain High Enough!

2008-12-01T19:09:00.001+03:00

Of late i've been thinking,or reflecting on the kind of person i am.

I would like to think of myself as an Idealist...and an Optimist...definitely not a realist (my dad would vouch for this) certainly far from a pessimist.

I handle pressure very well,infact i thrive on it.Reena said something that made sense yesterday "You like being miserable!" ,that, in respect to my livelihood of course,nothing else.

My dad summed me up quite well; "Pubs have a limited number of hours called Happy Hours!, but with Roshan, every hour is HAPPY HOUR"

No am not HUGE on alcohol,apparently i am way too lackadaisikal for my own good and extremly laid back, not an asocial (new term learnt from Ashviny-apparently Anti Social would denote someone who is against social well being i.e: Vandals, THUS asocial!) Oh and i'm ALWAYS looking to have a good time.

I've also recently learnt that i am very very sensitive, as much as i would like to think otherwise.I constantly live with certain dissatisfactions,most of which are from myself about myself and i KNOW how to handle them...its just that procrastination is my biggest vice. Coming back to being sensitive,its quite simple really, i rarely allow anyone into my inner circle and when i do, anything said or done by them does matter....see am such a sucker aren't i?

Anyway, More insights- I have simple tastes-i only want the best...its not a statement,its just a feel good factor, its for self satisfaction. As much as most people think i care about others?i really don't, don't ask me what happened to so and so and so...because i wouldn't know,seriously uninterested.

Sometimes i wonder,are my views about life and the way i should lead my life rather peculiar?i've come to a conclusion, i'm refreshing, yes i am!...think about it seriously...

I believe in an inner locus of control, i.e: no one or nothing can be blamed for something that happens to you, because they are all subtle lessons. How you view them however pretty much is expressed in your reciprocal actions. That said, i would come off as someone with a lead shield, i do really, i would seem nonchalant,uncaring and heartless-to those who know not of me.

I believe and i mean strenly believe that life has been,is being and will be very kind to me...i would simply sum up my daily being as 'living the good life'. Not many count their blessings on a daily manner,but i do.

i am not feeling very 'Jay-Jay' today, i know why and...somehow i hate feeling this way...but someone once told me, experience it and turn it away in less than a day.

I have 6weeks to go before my Intercolleagiate MRCS, and i am still chilling out. I need resilience and a schedule.

I can't let the sands of time slip through my fingers...no i won't allow self sabotage!

Theme song for this week: Ain't no mountain high enough by Marvin Gaye.

Bein...Tres Bein.

2008-11-22T14:01:00.002+03:00

As we get older,we'd like to believe we've become more mature and serious about ourselves and lifes.

At this present moment i'm suppose to be sitting myself down to go through past year questions,instead i realised how dry and dreary my blog has become.I used to have people who'd faithfully read my blog on a daily basis...now even i don't visit my blog on a daily basis.

SO why not,indulge myself in some deviation thats quite fulfilling and update it?

Anyway,here are some things i've come to notice about the mass public that i deal with.They demand to be served VERY WELL at the doctors office, where on average you'd see 80 to 100 patients a day (Out Patient Dept), meaning in a span of 9 Hours (assuming you skip lunch) you are suppose to see 10-12 patients which means each patient gets on average 5mins of your time. During the span of which you aspire to give your best to them.

No seriously,i ALWAYS have a smile on my face when i deal with my patients...giving them the impression, that i'm still fresh as i was at 7.55 am that morning. SO then you get a fair deal of let downs, i.e: a young girl with multiple non-specific complaints that have no corelation what so ever, so you can either a) treat symptomatically, or b) get several tests done to ascertain you are doing the right thing. i usually choose (b), once they realise i'll need to put them through the ordeal of drawing blood, they'll come clean and say..."i just a day off"

At this point...i usually take a deep breathe and say, sure...next time just walk in and say i need the day off and DON'T LET ME WASTE 10 MINUTES LOOKING FOR A CAUSE WHICH I WOULDN'T FIND...10 minutes which belongs to a patient with heart failure perhaps?

Well,with all that discounted,i have patients who walk in after waiting for half an hour (according to turn) and start screaming at the top of their lungs-

"What the hell is this? i'm a tax payer! i pay you YOUR salary!...how dare you make me wait for half an hour?"

And this guy had a cold, and was too cheap to buy some benedryl and panadol from the pharmacy which would've costed him RM12 and no time wasted.

See what i like about these people is that, they are the biggest bigots walking on the face of earth, they'd badger someone in the service industry for making them wait 30 minutes (not on purpose) but would not question the 'politician' or the 'ADUN' when things aren't delivered for 8 years.

I love Malaysians, especially the ones who pay me my salary.

When the next patient walked in, i still had a smile plastered on my face...and that patient didn't know if he was seeing the same doctor who delt with the earlier patient.

Anyway, as cowardly as Malaysians are...after collecting the benedryl,piriton,panadol and thymol gargle, the tax paying citizen walked in to say, 'jangan salah faham doktor, saya tak berapa sihat'...

Of course, i nodded with a smile.

Give Out What You Want Most To Come Back.

I started off this entry with something totally different and now i'm here, my attention span's too short. No regrets being in the service industry though, i'm learning something new everyday.

I guess,i don't take things too seriously...i still see the humor in al of this...i mean, imagine how stupid that guy would've felt when he realised i didn't react to his temper?

You've gotta love life!

SO what?

2008-10-22T18:11:00.002+04:00

I guess i just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So i'm gonna drink my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent (Nope)
I got a brand new attitude
And i'm gonna wear it tonight
I wanna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight

I wanna start a fight
I wanna start a fight

So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

Uh, check my flow, uh

The waiter just took my table
And gave to Jessica Simp- Shit!
I guess i'll go sit with drum boy
At least he'll know how to hit
What if this song's on the radio
Then somebody's gonna die
I'm gonna get in trouble
My ex will start a fight
He's gonna start a fight
We're all gonna get in a fight!

So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

You weren't there
You never were
You want it all
But thats not fair
I gave you love
I gave my all
You weren't there
You let me fall

So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done (we're done)
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright(I'm alright),I'm just fine (I'm just fine)
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

No No, No No
I Don't want you tonight
You weren't there
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

SOS

2008-09-27T19:35:00.003+04:00

A good musical is one that captures your attention from the very begining till the last song.

I watched a good one today, Mamma Mia...awesome,it was.

Confusion sets in when, you know somethings either not good for you,like a sinful eclair and you want it,but you know you arent supposed to have it. Or when you are down right cheeky and curious....and you know the forbidden fruit is the forbidden fruit for a reason.

Suddenly you find yourself in a rut,to have or not to have?to taste or not to taste?

So confusion sets in, anyway,heard of wars without casualties?...no? neither have i.

The thing about setting borders and compartmentalizing is that,more often than not,we do it to align ourselves with what we'd be able to handle.

Aristotle once said,we are what we repeatedly do.

I shudder to think of what i've become.I was looking through my posts that date back to the year 2006,and something tells me i was in my prime at that time.I read at least 2 books a week, right from Bulgakov to Dostoyevsky,i knew my single malts and whites, i was strong with my principles and i had some form of discipline.My vocabulary was vast and i had benching sessions where politics and satire exsisted coherantly.

I've totally drifted from the point i was trying to make but,here's a thought STAGFLATION, anybody?

On a lighter note, you are officially reading the blog of a soon to be service medical officer of UROLOGY....Erectile Dysfunction will soon be something unheard of (note to readers,this is applicable in cases where i am PERSONALLY involved)

I will be getting my new ride soon...its none other than a Suzuki Swift,1.5...with 100 HPs...can't wait to hear the sound of the engine and feel its response in my hands.

So till the next one,keep thy self entertained with Mamma Mia's SOS.

Choices

2008-09-24T19:16:00.002+04:00

There are times when certain songs sing the tune playing in your head...today there are two tunes playing in my head.

Jeff buckley's everybody here wants you...

Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss

A singing smile

Coffee smell and lilac skin

Your flame in me

Hmm, such a thing of wonder in this crowd
I'm a stranger in this town
You're free with me
And our eyes locked in downcast love
I sit here proud
Even now you're undressed in your dreams with me

Oh, I'm only here for this moment

and the other one being secret garden by bruce springstein.

I never knew

2008-08-28T18:50:00.003+04:00

There comes a time in your life when you stop and ask yourself, why? why now?...

You tend to wonder if its all intended or accidental...if fate actually took part in messing up your life.Then you wonder off wondering again if this is all it comes down to.

I've started to see patterns in my life...

Law of attraction,you attract what you want,really. You really like your comfort zone but you would like some fun.I have attracted nothing but non commital relationships,be it at work or in my personal life.I can meet a person who could give me attention,time,hormone surges and then some...but i could also keep that person at arms length,that i know is UNFAIR...but as i said earlier,i'm quite comfortable where i am.

Then the other pattern...i tend to like moving about...i don't want to remain put at a certain period of time...i need my breath of fresh air.I need change...regularly (now i sound like engine oil)

I get scared, when someone gets to know me,gets what makes me tick....gets what i want or like.I get scared because my practice of self preservation can indeed cost me dearly...very dearly. I'd like to think that i have made my core friends(extended family members)and am not looking anymore,but then every now and then life teases you with unexpected surprises.

WHY NOW?...i don't fucking know.

And what i really can't understand is why am i such a commitment phobe?i am talking about anything.Not just relationships,but basically anything really,you would need to confirm and reconfirm if its happening.

I hate conforming to norms and rules created by some fool which other 'cultured' fools follow, if its not going to make sense don't bother wasting time at this page.

I like the way we coin terms, to justify EVERYTHING we do...why? i don't know...

"we are in a relationship, an open relationship...so we aren't really exclusive or anything but we are in a open relationship",whatever the hell thats supposed to mean,its either a relationship or its not.

Thats how bloody lame we've become...i have no idea whats in store for us,but at the rate we are going i would rather be classified under 'poultry' than human.

I never knew that everything was falling through

That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue

To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see,The smoke and who's still standing when it clears.

Northern star

2008-07-27T19:04:00.003+04:00

There was once an obedient child,a good daughter...a textbook golden child.Who excelled in school...she was what the teachers called 'promising',and no she didn't disappoint.Although,she does claim to be a netball player,i personally haven't heard exceptional stories regarding the sportsman in her.

Being a perfectionist and slightly obsessive compulsive,takes its toll later in life,but for the time being she took great care of her belongings...wrapped her books,ironed her clothes,wore pristine white shoes,matching ribbons for her hair and razor sharp pencils for monday morning at school.This girl had a natural endowment for art but wasn't very expressive with her artwork,she was more of a "this is due next week,lets start today and by the time its due it will be perrrfecttt!"

On weekends she would tutor her cousins (she was considered somewhat bright),take long walks along the beach with her father while catching crabs and wait for the 'kuih man' on sunday evenings(thats if her father had enough change for a football team).She had her special weekends with her father who would take her across to Penang for Ice Cream at Kek Sing.(this place still exsists!)He claimed they were the best on the Island.

SO, this girl turned into a teenager,who at her time beat the society's standards for what a woman should score in LSC (Lower Secondary Certificate) and went on to complete her HSC (High Secondary Certificate).Many admirers followed...no actually i'm making this part up.The very same year that she sat for her HSC she had lost her father prior to her exams.

Shaken up...lost...full of doubt...pain...and more pain,this lioness picked up the pieces and started working...her studies had to wait for a while (by the way she did well in her HSC),there were no two ways about it.She worked hard,fast and smart...she lost all form of self pity and pain.She educated herself and contributed to the household expenses.She was now a Woman.

She met an intelligent man,with shy kind eyes and slightly absent minded.Well,long story short they moved to Kuala Lumpur shortly after getting marring and started a life together.

Well,many years have passed since then...and today she is one whose passion for life, living and loving sees no boundaries.She is one and all of the following-a good child,student,friend,employee,wife,mother...in an essence a congenial person.

Till date she does her son's art homework and insists on polishing his shoes, this is the obsessive compulsive bit superimposed with the perfectionist bit.By the way her car is filled with minute scratches,but none caused by her!

...She's my northern star,my natural compass,see while most ship captains navigate their course according to the northern star,i would disobediently go against it (illogical choice but the more interesting one)...and when i finally am lost(and if i admit it),it'll guide me home.

My northern star turns a significant age now,and she should know that she has achieved a lot,yes you have.You've made yourself a doctor,an engineer...and a soon to be cartel leader.You've got a warm home,a devoted husband and a band full of rascals to keep you entertained and you do your part to make the world a better place.

I can't think of a better way of saying this,but you have come a long way,and you still have a long way to go...keep that passion burning...and stop polishing your son's shoes,its not acceptable.

Happy birthday Mum.

Bring it on back

2008-07-15T19:46:00.002+04:00

The title has nothing to do with the post,its just a song i'm listening to.

Well,the irony of the 'gosudarstvo' is like this, they increase fuel prices,they increase the price of rice and sugar but no they dont increase your pay.
See its a sin to deprive someone of their basic needs,its understood that if you could afford to own a car you can afford to fuel it.
But food?...what happens to the super poor?so they stop eating all together?
Then,they say lets give doctors a better quality of life by increasing after office hour perks, i.e government locum at RM80 per hour, WHOA!...thats a shit load of cash,you work 4 hours and you have RM320...holy crap! that in doctor hours means 3 oncall claims for a houseman and 2 for a medical officer.
SO then the director of Hosp. Pulau Pinang decides to scrutinize all the call claims and decides that doctors who don't punch in or out can't claim.Some of my colleagues have lost up to 4 claims...you do the math.
Now,newsflash B****!,most of the time we are operating,when we aren't, we are looking into patients,and some of us don't bathe,eat or sleep for up to 36hours,the LAST thing you should do is NOT give us our call claims.
Next,you've taken over the locum list and decided to give slots to people who HAVEN'T actively practiced medicine,i.e high ranking administrative officers who essentially are doctors and deprive other practising doctors who have been doing the dirty work wayyy before the hike!
so now,clean your act up and give us what's rightfully ours.
Oh and by the way,when we have up to 200 patients to see from 8am to 12 pm (4hours) please don't expect us to see 50 patients an hour,and give them the BEST health care plan,because its humaly impossible to deduce anything within a minute!...
Looks like you NEVER practiced medicine eh?
Nevermind,keep your title,be a hypocrite and terrorize us will you.Afterall,after the patients have demoralized us you can take over and make us wish that we never choose medicine as a profession in the first place.

P/s:if i don't get my call claims,you'll be handing in your resignation letter soon.

Sentimentality is the failure of feeling

2008-07-09T14:42:00.002+04:00

A friend of mine once read somewhere that 'sentimentality is the failure of feeling.'

Interestingly,i find it rather contradictory but very true at the same time.
Anyway,here's something to ponder upon, When you do everything in moderation and put up walls where you shouldnt have to,and lets say you don't allow yourself sentiments such as love and going totally crazy do you in the end lead an extreamly moderate and regulated life that lacks passion?
I think i am heading somewhere there...
No really,think about it.

So sentimentality can be regarded as being stuck in a past or constantly thinking about something we never had to begin with but,relentlessly trying to keep it in our grasp.

Then what happens is that,we totally neglect the present which is full of wonders (in an optimist's point of view) or funny turns (a pessimist's point of view),we fail to live!
No that shouldnt happen,i would certainly consider that a punishment of the highest order.Think about it, how can you sabotage your very sense of being???
Its pathetic really.

Here's a website that might rejuvenate you:http://www.flickr.com/photos/vasilyi

It belongs to a good friend of mine,who i must say is a fantastic artist.

Can anyone tell me though,are you able to pick up all the pieces and move on and then give yourself a clean slate without self bashing?

God,trying to make his way through.

2008-06-30T12:26:00.003+04:00

God.

Most of us associate the above term with everything divine and sacred.
Some of us accept it as the term deemed appropriate for the 'creator' of the universe.
Joan Osbourne asked if God had a name,would we call it to his face?
she also asked if he was one of us what would his face look like and would he be ordinary like any one of us.

There are many religions, no doubt, and all of them preach in an essence the same things albeit differently.Most pious people would disagree with this post and might call it blasphemy but seriously most of these people are like carriage horses whose eyes have been shielded so that they don't get distracted.

Religion, i believe,i repeat I BELIEVE was created to offer order and peace to a then very chaotic civilization. If we did take lets say Islam as a religion *purely for references,no pun intended*, Prophet Mohammad was based in Mecca which was then the center of trade and finance for all the tribes that lived in surrounding cities and Mecca.At that time not only were they flourishing as a civilization but corruption was prevalent , so was adultery ,everyone knew and practiced certain pleasures of life and theft/murder was on the rise. He had a epiphany at the age of 40 while he was up on a mountain meditating. He spread the message of god which then led to creation of Islam which in turn made sure of peace, order, equality, taxes, regimented praying times which of course left no time for anyone to be even mildly intoxicated.
The Quran -a Holy reference used by Muslims around the world,dictated a way of life that was of course governed by rules-Islamic rules.Without doubt, life in Mecca became more palatable and logical.More traders from various tribes came in and out thus making this civilization flourish.
Now, coming back to my point, Most of us deem God as the giver of life,he forgives all, he loves unconditionally. We are all equals in the eyes of god.No judgments passed. Yet,not ONE of us can ascertain that God really does exist,not ONE of us can prove it. But because there are a lot of inexplicable things by science most of us do then say this is the work of a supreme power,something beyond you and me.
Granted those are all valid points and arguments. We all need to believe in something,we all need faith, we all need guidance, we do if not for the sake of the world but for ourselves-HOPE...universally there's just one common factor amongst us...our faith in GOD...or the lack of it.
I've never been able to fathom how anyone could blindly believe in something they've never seen/felt/smelt.
That said,my version of God or The supreme power are my parents.
I know of no other god than them.I know of religions, but god?
I only know my parents
This,i can prove:
1) They love unconditionally-CHECK
2) Forgives/doesn't judge-CHECK
3) Provider-CHECK
4) Governance of life/behavior/rules- CHECK
...and drum roll for the final one....
5) They instill FEAR! (yea yea i am still afraid of my folks)

i know there are marvels around us that are still unexplained...i am not going to sit and ponder upon it like the theory of relativity nor am i going to try to figure out an answer.Whoever or Whatever has given us the universe,has given it for a reason...and instead of trying to screw with it,i guess we should just value what we have and get on with life.
Lets try NOT destroying something for once...and we might attain Moksha.

Luckiest Person Alive

2008-06-15T09:53:00.002+04:00

You know when we used to be younger and there was always this kid who either had the coolest toy or gadget or car or went to all the coolest places because his/her parents could afford it and always allowed it?
And how most of us secretly envied or hated that kid?

i AM that kid.

I was always given anything and everything that i wanted,well, except for the hovercraft that i wanted and my parents just didnt think a ten year old knew how to pilot a hovercraft and OF COURSE i didn't need one as it was my parents who always had to beat the traffic for me.

so,i don't know if i am hated or envied or loved...but whatever position i'm in right now,feels soo damn good...not as a Junior Medical Officer,but as my parents' offspring.

i'll soon be 26...and the support i get from them is unbelievable.I am still pampered and given astonishing amounts baby-ing...which is rare among some of my peers, not because their parents love them any lesser but because i totally allow myself to be baby-ed by them.

My parents are remarkable people (ahh...just as some of you might be thinking this is my channel of brown nosing,trust me,my folks have no idea i blog)...really...we arent super rich or anything but,my folks have done a wonderful job with the 3 of us...we've never been told that we can't afford anything or we've never been told that we can't have something (except for the hovercraft that i wanted when i was 10).
Whats even more interesting is that,when my mum fell ill (numerus factors) my folks decided that its best that my mum stops working and starts free-lancing from home (god knows she can't remain idle) which meant that the household income drops by 50%! and my dad, became the sole bread winner...even through those times,my parents never said NO.

Till today,we get anything and everything we ask for...so now...you'd figure we're a bunch of spoilt brats?...hehe,this is where things get REALLY interesting...

we don't ask just for everything and anything...

this is what happened yesterday:
"ma,i'm thinking of sitting for my MRCS part 1...its about RM1800 and if i fail,i'll have to pay for it again"
"just get the application form,go for your holiday once you come home you can start studying...don't worry about the money"
then she puts my dad on the line
"why are you soo afraid of failing,don't worry you will sit for it until you pass...it just makes you a better person,so how much is the paper?
"1800 ringgit"
"ok...don't worry about it"
"but pa...i don't want you to pay for it"
"your pay sweetheart,is only sufficient for petrol leave it to your mum and me"

Nuff' said!

now,am i the kid that people envied?

i think so...god i am a narcissist.

look after you

2008-05-22T15:55:00.002+04:00

let me leave you with this week's theme song....
the fray tend to hit a chord

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Be my baby
I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

2008-05-18T17:31:00.002+04:00

so its finally alone time,all i've been is overworked...got some sleep finally.

there comes a time when even the best of tend to cave in to emotional ties,by ties i mean my patients, to be honest i'm quite cold blooded and uncaring but of late i've taken up for these bunch of kids with some form of renal problem or the other.
I couldnt sleep after coming home from work today...which is quite unlike me and of course after not sleeping for a whole 36hours most of us would be tired,but i just couldnt sleep which was odd.

One girl was bleeding the whole night while another boy's potassium was sky high...and the other one was overloaded. *sigh* why?

anyways,all that aside,my mum tried playing cupid, introduced me to someone...wouldnt say it was bad...infact it was surprisingly easy flowing without awkward silences.oh well...

i'm tired...i've got to get myself registered with the Royal Collage of Surgeons.
till the next one

No1 Edgecumbe Street

2008-05-04T18:50:00.002+04:00

Just as how some people have No 1 Downing Street, i've got No 1 Edgecumbe Street and its nice...and i mean nice.
I have the sea 5 minutes away, Gurney drive another 5 minutes away, Subway 2 minutes away starbucks 2 minutes away and of course WORK 7 minutes away.
Not that i don't like work, it could be better though.
Anyway, so i've officially moved in and am settled, finally slept like a baby...that rare given my past 4 months.
Well i've officially got 7 weeks till before i pack myself off to Moscow for my significant others' graduation and i am yet to get my visa sorted.
hmmm...
i must say i like my new housemates,they are both older than me and they are quite easy to get along with...which indeed is a blessing in disguise.
priorities,i have to get mine sorted,i have goals and dreams...i NEED to make them come true,its an innate need for fulfillment...which is sort of like saying i am convincing myself into thinking i really am in need of these things that i previously didnt need...fooled by randomness,no i dont think so.
what i really need now though is sleep,i'm sorry i don't entertain you enough but allow me to acquire my mojo and we'll be right on track.
till then please entertain thyselves with Mr.Haruki Murakami,he is good indeed.

Hello,are you lost.

2008-04-23T18:13:00.003+04:00

...i'm back

scary isn't it?i've been missing in action for almost 2 years now and suddenly out of nowhere i decide to show up.

so lets update myself and thyself on what's been going on...

i'm working,yes i'm a full fledged doctor...or at least thats how i'm described.

So anyway, here i am sitting in Oldtown Kopitiam making full use of the free WiFi under the pretext of doing research...and doing everything but the research.
I don't live in KL anymore which i must say has shaken me up a little, i miss the KL culture...trust me KL has culture and theres a spectrum of colours to look at.
Penang's not bad at all...its just different,i'm just not sure if its a good or bad difference.

Been living in a pathetic excuse for a hostel which comes with a hefty price tag and a million and one rules.

I've forgotten how to write...or at least i've forgotten that i used to write...i swear nothing that i'm typing is coherant and thats bloody irritating ( for me at least)!

Ritz was recently down,it was absolutely refreshing and necessary i guess, one of the nicest 10days i've had in the last 4 months...he was of course almost the same,perhaps he aged with his body? We did not bench,yes he was upset...disappointed...i couldn't help it, i really didnt feel like alcohol.

I'm sorry i cant blog today,i think an essential part of me is missing. Be right back.

9 Crimes

2006-11-20T20:32:00.000+03:00

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
that alright with you?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
with you.

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
but she's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?

No...

Janteloven

2006-11-03T22:17:00.000+03:00

Just finished 'the zahir' by Paulo Coelho and came across The Commandments of Jante,i absolutely had to check it out as the author hadn't elaborated in the book.
Well here you are:
“The Commandments of Jante”:
1. You shall not think that you ARE something.
2. You shall not think that you are as much as US.
3. You shall not think that you are wiser than US.
4. You shall not imagine that you are better than US.
5. You shall not think that you know more than US
6. You shall not think that you are better than US.
7. You shall not think that YOU are good at anything.
8. You shall not laugh at US.
9. You shall not think that anyone cares about YOU.
10. You shall not think that you can teach US anything.

According to the Jante Law, everyone is equal and cleverness or intelligence does not make you a better person.

Janteloven - the Jante Law - is a code of down-to-earth conformity formulated by Danish/Norwegian author Aksel Sandemose in the 1930s but still very much alive in Danish society today.
Honestly it isnt as bad as it sounds, its actual aim is to keep your feet firmly on the ground...it infact requires higher understanding.
...or so i thought,until i came across this on the net:

Modesty is highly valued in Norway. That is why many will outwardly give the impression of being very modest while they might be thinking something completely the opposite. Here’s an example:

Tom is elected class president. He thinks, “This will be fun. I am definitely the best person for this task. Obviously, that’s why they chose me. I’ll be the best class president ever, and maybe I can advance to Student body president too.”
But he SAYS, “It is a great honour for me to be elected by you, as I am sure any one of you would do a better job than I. I will take my job very seriously, to serve you in the best possible way that I can, as I feel it is my duty to say “yes” after you have shown me so much trust.”

See?

Chasing Cars

2006-11-03T21:47:00.000+03:00

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
But not enough

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

...you were right,this song gets into your head and doesnt leave,and yes it is very romantic.*sigh*

100th,woo hoo!!!

2006-10-27T23:04:00.000+04:00

Since this is my 100th post, it has to be special in some way right? (excuses!excuses!)
Anyways,i would like to dedicate this post to the people around me,whom have and will always love me.People whom i DARE to call friends.
For a person who considers some of her family members-friends and some friends as family members,friendship is a BIG-DAMN-DEAL!

There's got to be one special mention though:To The ONE who's FRUSTRATED WITH ME.
i'm not growing up too fast and neither am i drifting away,thank you for lecturing me and loving me unconditionally.The fact that u want the old me back is touching-since all i did was raise your blood pressure and cause heart aches.

Then there's my significant other who tries very hard to update me with every moment of the day,but as Tennessee Williams once said, "for time's the longest distance between two places"

Friends are perfect in every way,except for one flaw-they are human.I may fall short of your expectations,but worry not for i will be right by your side at the crucial moment.

Came across this sometime back- "friendships are overrated".....hmm...now what is that suppose to mean? someone kindly enlighten me.

Coming back to this post-Oleg Karkhordin wrote a paper on the politics of friendship:"By definition, a friend was an individual who would not let you down even under direct menace to him- or herself; a person to whom one could securely entrust one's controversial thoughts since he or she would never betray them, even under pressure. Friendship thus in a sense became an ultimate value produced in resistance struggles in the Soviet Union".

*sigh*
Friendship's priceless...we shall not F*** around with it....nor shall we take it for granted.

Seriously,i will not try bringing down ANY government without my FRIENDS.

I may not show it,but i do love you people.

Situational situations

2006-10-24T14:57:00.000+04:00

I've only done 98 posts...so lets omit all my favourite lyrics,photos...and random ramblings,that would leave me with NO official posts.Nice?

I love reading the papers with my morning coffee...wait let me rephrase that, i USED to love reading the papers with my morning coffee (why specify 'morning'?-that marks the start of my day and all i ever drink is coffee) but since my return from Moscow, i find it rather distasteful to start my day with a Joke Gone Wrong i.e The Newspapers.Its more like a Politically Correct tabloid.
Guess what was in it today?- Siti Nurhaliza being rewarded 'Datuk'ship by the Sultan of Pahang. Seriously,how can u NOT laugh at that?

Moving on to more Interesting things, here's something my significant other asked me to blog about: How do you react to eavesdroppers?Are you receptive or reactive? (hahaha...no such thing but sounds good though)

Situation:
Your at a restaurant having dinner with a couple of friends, the topic of discussion is something technical but not of your specialization (for eg:you are a Doctor by qualification but the topic is something engineering related).You seem to be having opposing ideas about the topic and a fellow patron at the next table suddenly interjects with his/her opinion.Now, How would you react to this person?
Would You...
a)Thank him/her and continue with your conversation.
b)Tell him/her that its isn't their business and make it known to this person that its absolutely rude for them to eavesdrop.
c)Just stare at this person blankly and continue doing what you were doing.

Obviously these arent the only options but merely examples,peoples reactions vary from person to person depending on upbringing,temperament,nature of the topic in discussion etc.
How you react though,tells a lot about a person.
Would love some feedback.Please feel free.

This next situation is based on my own personal experience:
Reena, Jason and i were at a Cafe sometime back at an odd hour for most but a perfectly normal time for us.Its was during winter and there was this one guy who walked in looking slightly high and was all alone.We noticed that he took an interest in us but we continued our conversation.After sometime he took his laptop out and was looking at some photos.He then came over to our table and asked if he could sit with us and get to know us.(Now all of this is new because in Moscow people arent as friendly as THAT.We noticed he was high and well he did look harmless so we agreed.)
The conversation was difficult because he spoke no english but understood a little.He showed us the photos he was looking at and explained each one of it.It was then,that we realised that we made a lonely man feel happy.The pictures were of his girlfriend who was in London, he has been working to save up for a visit.We spoke for a while,he gave us his business card and parted ways.

Initially we felt as if our privacy was violated...but the turning point was when we agreed to him joining us.It was uncomfortable for the first 10minutes,the followng 20minutes wasnt bad.

The question i was asked to ponder about was "How do you think he felt?"
-Not so lonely?...Well received?

This reminds me of The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield (only the energy part of it):
A Matter of Energy
We now experience that we live not in a material universe, but in a universe of dynamic energy. Everything extant is a field of sacred energy that we can sense and intuit. Moreover, we humans can project our energy by focusing our attention in the desired direction...where attention goes, energy flows...influencing other energy systems and increasing the pace of coincidences in our lives.

All of the above is meant for discussion.

It was my first Deepavali at home in 6years,and it was awesome.Thats probably because nothing was planned.Looks like i'm warming up to Malaysia aren't I?

Happy Deepavali and Happy Eid.

Supermassive Black Holes and SUPER BUMs

2006-09-23T00:00:00.000+04:00

So i took like FOREVER to make an entry; be fair now, i was waiting for an epiphany.

No actually,i wasn't used to NOT having anything significant to think about besides dinner or channel surfing.

Sometimes we suffocate on NOTHING-NESS.Sometime we need an excuse to suffocate.
Did I Mention though,that i'm off those carcinogenic packs of 20s?
A lot of you are scratching your heads right NOW.Thats all right, i understand, was soo hooked no one would've thought i could give it up.
Funny, no withdrawal syndrome...just a massive oral fixation.(nothing i couldn't handle)hehe.

I'm planning to get a massive dose of anti-histamines...i've got to be allergic to SOMETHING...having seizures at the thought of working at home.

Here's something beautiful about the human race-their undying love for words like COULD'VE,WOULD'VE,SHOULD'VE etc. Especially used like this: "We should've left earlier." or "I would've have done it IF only you had told me so"...trust me it gets better!
Seriously, STOP! please, you aren't helping anyone by giving redundant input,oh well,if it makes you feel any better...
Stop addressing the past,you aren't going to change anything.Think about NOW.

Anyways, on a lighter note being a super bum's more like being an Ad Actress.Minimal wages and working hours with loads of publicity. Excellent.
Well its been an unpredictable month for most of us.Lots been going on.Evolution of the other kind.Very constructive period for most.

I MISSED BLOGGING,I'M GLAD I'M BACK.
I also miss Pisa,Wingman,CY,Ritim,Ashish (in no particular order...lol)MOSCOW,My old Apartment,COffee Mania,Autumn,The Legendary Russian Etiquette...(not the end,carpal tunnel playing up)

You know what's really odd?
the fact that i THINK my greatest fear is losing my sense of humour!

Random Rants are the best kind of blogs.Cheers Mates.

I write SINs not TRAGEDIES

2006-09-22T23:47:00.000+04:00

Oh, well imagine; as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor,
and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words.
"What a beautiful wedding!, What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to a waiter.
"Ah yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore."

I chimed in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I chimed in "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of hope.

Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved
Well this calls for, a toast so, pour the champagne
Oh! Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved
Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne, pour the champagne.

I chimed in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I chimed in "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

Home

2006-07-31T15:25:00.000+04:00

Being Home...

Isn't as BAD as i thought i would be...infact its awesome.Really.
Small things make home,Home.

Stuff you thought you'd never hear again..."Hari,why are our kids soo immoral?" (thats my mum fussing over my brother's progress report, he btw, got a B)

Or,

"Are we such terrible conversationalists?Why can't they chat with us?" (mum to dad,this too after my brother's class teacher complained that my brother's talkative.irony-we aren't all that noisy at home)

And,

"Are we on an austerity drive?Aren't there enough rooms in this house?"
(thats dad at 12am on a work night,when mum and my brother both decide to have a pre-slumber chat on his bed,taking up his space and sleep time-the austerity drive part is about the AC and Lights in other parts of the house)

Gotta Love Em...

Still doesn't change the fact that i miss Moscow...

Sitting,Waiting,Wishing...

2006-07-11T02:55:00.000+04:00

Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting

Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, foool

-Jack Johnson

Nocebo

2006-07-11T02:07:00.000+04:00

Recently i read an article about 'Nocebo:the evil twin of placebo'...why it caught my eye?
Quite simple really...its main content was basically what we all already knew, i.e: knowing and believing what you know is far more potent than just knowing.

Its basic concept is applicable on all levels of life and living.

'Nocebo' is latin for "i will harm"...guess it boils down to 'what i don't know wouldn't hurt me'

Here are the interesting bits:
-Ten years ago, researchers stumbled onto a striking finding: Women who believed that they were prone to heart disease were nearly four times as likely to die as women with similar risk factors who didn't hold such fatalistic views.

The higher risk of death, in other words, had nothing to with the usual heart disease culprits -- age, blood pressure, cholesterol, weight. Instead, it tracked closely with belief. Think sick, be sick.

-They are convinced that somethings going to go wrong and its a self-fulfilling prophecy.

-A study of aspirin and another blood thinner in heart patients and came up with an unexpected result that said little about the heart and much about the brain. At two locations, patients were warned of possible gastrointestinal problems, one of the most common side effects of repeated use of aspirin. At the other location, patients received no such caution.--> Those warned about the gastrointestinal problems were almost three times as likely to have the side effect. Though the evidence of actual stomach damage such as ulcers was the same for all three groups, those with the most information about the prospect of minor problems were the most likely to experience the pain.

Well...all that being said,today with the ever changing ethical standards,these 'nocebo' studies can't be conducted...thus making it a mere hypothesis...

I believe i was trying to make a point; the mind is indeed a powerful tool-it either makes you or breaks you.What you choose to believe in is what gets you ahead.
Knowledge or the lack of it is dangerous...physical effects and physically produced effects are 2 very different things.
Both of which make lives of medical practitioners very unpleasant.

p/s:i've decided on investing in a 'mamak',please support the local service industry.

Moments

2006-07-07T02:55:00.000+04:00

This was something i received today from CJ...extremly sweet...and it brought back memories...
Mind you, everything she's written is TRUE...although,i dont actually RAG.
DR. Harikrishnan *shakes your hand.. followed by huggggggggles*

Whooaa. Memory Check Of Batch 2006 In Early Years:
1. Drunkards
2. Up To No Good
3. Full Of Mischief
4. Threatened To RAG Juniors
5. All Of The Above Listed At One Go

But Like The Saying "Wouldnt Be Who You Are Today If It Wasnt For Then" Right? :) CONGRATULATIONS!

We sent Ashish and Ritz off today...it just never seems enough,time that is...
When we have it around us,we tend to forget that its a tricky dimension.It secretly navigates our paths without us noticing.

We hung out at the TGI's in Sheremetyevo 2...whiling away time,waiting for the gate to open,had a couple of rounds...made a few toasts...talked about old times...made a pact.We are to meet up again in 6 yrs time...in Moscow.
Azie and I on the other hand are planning to come back in 2008.My family's graduating and so are a bunch of other interesting characters.Hehe.

Everyone teared, but I was fine...WAS...until they walked through the gate,the end has just begun.Damn.So i did a 360' and walked towards the exit,secretly hoping no one caught me doing that.Ashraff noticed,he walked over to me...gave me a comforting hug and nudge..."soon roshan...you'll see them"
Anyways...told both the cartoons that i'll see them WHEN i see them.No need for promises and expectations.Disappointment usually follows statements like these.

Ritz kept repeating our signature phrase:
First you'd have to get a victim,lets say syu...and make her ask you/him the time
Syu : Whats the time?
Ritz: Its time to have sex.
Me : Sex o' Clock!
(repeat till dirty irritated stares come from familiar faces)

Must admit, on their faces-i.e my nuclear group-they expected more-"This couldn't be the finale"...it was obvious,but nothing was said.Because we all knew,when we could have,we didn't.No one left to blame but ourselves.
Looks like 'Benching' will cease to exist(for the time being) or evolve into a luxury.
Dumb Charades...Monopoly...Poker Night-->left behind.

We took our mind off things-Went for TOKYO DRIFT.Wouldn't mind watching it again...
Well...
Cheers; to irreplacable friends and moments...
Corny or not; I love you guys...hope each one of you know that.

Graduation Day,22nd June 2006.

2006-07-04T21:51:00.000+04:00

"Congratulations Graduates!"
I.M Sechenow Moscow Medical Academy
2006

...Spot the Malaysian Flag,so this was our back drop,which btw costed us 7080rubs, but the dean's off took it..farkers!

The world's shortest speech...2 minutes flat!
Was soo bloody nervous,didn't realise my robe wasn't aligned.Damn.Caught on camera!

Trust me,its not easy delivering a speech in Russian!

Yes, that my degree...and me...and the chancellor...and god knows who else!

The reason behind my charmingly good looks are these two extremly wonderful people, whom i fondly call Pops and mums...

See this pic had to be taken coz papa felt left out due to the next snap...

mumsy!!!

(see...told you the earlier pic had to be taken!)

Its true isnt it...I'm quite the POYO...

(if u look beyond the 2 arabs...)

Hari, Ashish, Dipta and Ritz.

Drs...6 years flew...

Almost everyone...

Azie's missing, so is keong...and aaron...and...

Syu-syu...with the folks

We basically locked up the hall..and then left..

so this is us...after being out for almost 12 hours..

Tired...and Numb....

CONGRATS DOCTORS!!!

Folks and Moscow.

2006-07-04T21:36:00.000+04:00

SO...the folks arrived and i swear, they were running on duracell...or energizer...
I was beat...but noooo...pops insisted on COFFEE-ing.

This was taken the day they arrived,infact we were en route to my place from the airport.

Dinner the next day...was with my family away from home, the meal was simply fantastic.

"Reena, you kids put me to shame,"-mum

This was right after dinner,she was impressed.

CJ's back, Reena,Folks and Melvyn.

Beekins and i were doing the dishes, ok he was doing the dishes while i snapped about.

The day after that while i was away@ one of those NATO meets...

Papa was bent on riding the metro, so he dragged mum along...she doesn't seem impressed does she?..hehehe...

Trust me...he's easily excitable...mmm...one other trait we commonly share. Cheers Pops.

Mum's new found 'kids'...*sigh*,give em half a chance she'd disown me and adopt them.

Well, i know for a fact Reens and Pops have this, 'bond'...something to do with pink lighters and spoonerizm.

uh?

2006-06-30T01:43:00.000+04:00

"I couldn't have breakfast coz i was thinking of you...i didn't have lunch coz i was thinking of you...I did not have dinner coz i was thinking of you.....i could not sleep the night coz i was hungry"

Well, here's how the government makes up for the devaluation of the currency due to inflation-Charges foreign graduates unnecessarily for the legalization of documents. One trip to the dean's office costed me 700rubles...i heard there's more to come.
See...studying for 6 years doesn't guarentee you your degree...its the final payment that does.
Oh Bloody Hell...

Anyways, Syu's folks were around earlier, her sister prepared din din...Ritz was invited but that asswipe FFKed me and ran off somewhere to infuse himself w alco!
Well they leave tomorrow,and till then syu's kinda hindered from CELEBRATING...hehe.

We (syu,dmitry,Ashraff and i) are leaving for Zavidovo on sat, 4days away from the city....for fresh air.
mmm...4 days of Shooting,Riding,Swimming,BBQ-ing,Boozing,CHilling...(excellent way to spend the weekend).

Can't wait to see the bruises caused by the recoil of the shot gun on my shoulders...*grin*

Oh yes, Moscow's the world's most expensive city and for every 1000 rubles in an account, per annum the loss is about 100 rubles, inflation's about 6%.(the 6%'s my figure,will re-check)
Looks like my family away from home's gonna be suffering greatly.

Banana Pancakes

2006-06-30T01:01:00.000+04:00

Can't you see that it's just rainin'
There ain't no need to go outside

But baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you
this song It's meant to keep you
From doin' what you're supposed to
Like wakin' up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I'll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just rainin'
There ain't no need to go outside

But just maybe, like an ukulele
Mama made a baby
I really don't mind to practice
Because you're my little lady
Lady, lady love me
Because I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there's no world outside
And we could pretend that all the time

Can't you see that it's just raining
There ain't no need to go outside

Rain all day and I don't mind

The telephone singing, ringing, it's too early
Don't pick it up
We don't need to
We got everything we need right here
And everything we need is enough
It's just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms

Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm

We've got to wake up slow

...certainly how life should be lived, think my geriatric-ness is getting a little pronounced...

Don Quixote

2006-06-28T14:15:00.000+04:00

There's no such thing as an amicable break-up, its basically a common misconception that anything heart wrecking could be deemed amicable or concordant.
Expectations aren't meant for the weak hearted.Too Bad.
Its obvious isn't it-Ritz and i finally did justice to uncle johnnie last night.

26th and 27th of june were trying dates.Un-bloody-believable.

June 22nd, Convocation.
Now, while most graduates felt some sort of emotion, i was numb...NUMB!
The whole concept about opening up a can of worms? yeah...it was just that, only difference was we were dealing with humans.
No doubt, i made a speech (extremly short and should've been sweet) , was totally pleased with the fact that the most important people in my life were there all the way, handled a rough spot with cash, was handed the fruits of my labour, and saw that 'thing' in the eyes of my parents...nothing in the world can beat that feeling.
SO, i've taken the hippocrates oath...fuck.
In about 18days i'll be back in Malaysia, and by then...i should know what i want to do.WHY?
Can't i just not have a plan?
The irony of the entire situation- before walking into 6th year,2nd sem...i had 2 plans with several back up plans-in short, i was SURE...too sure for my own good.
But right now...i'm clueless.
I'll just cross the bridge when i get to it.

Folks left, my family away from home left, several friends have left...under normal circumstances i would've loved this solitary moment. I love being left alone to my own devices. Something just doesn't feel quite right. Its like i know i've completed everything...but it just doesn't seem enough.
Solitaire.

Today's the first time in ages,i'm home...doing absolutely NOTHING.Yes, you are reading just right, i'm doing nothing...just bumming about.Oh, and i woke up way past lunch time. Right now contemplating which would qualify as appropriate time expenditure -
a)Coffee and Cigarettes for breakie, and then meet up with the guys for some grub and infuse ourselves with alco.
or,
b)Taking a shower, going for a walk and parking my ass in a cafe with a book, catch a movie at around1900hrs...and then meet the guys up for a COUPLE of drinks.

Either ways, alcohol's in the picture.

Went to the Bolshoi Theater last night with Syu's family to watch Don Quixote...good fun.Throughly entertaining. Great distraction-according to my mum.(so that i wouldn't notice that they've left...*huh?*)
oh well...Ballets rock.

Learnt a few things over the week.Being a grown up's tough...
I thought growing old was mandatory but growning up wasn't...i don't see anyone giving me a choice.
Being Dr.Viroshini Hari Krishnan's tough...being me is easy...

ok time to reload on some nicotine...and check if my folks have arrived.

Licensed to Kill

2006-06-16T01:10:00.000+04:00

Its been 8 days since i've had a decent night's sleep. Totally worn out. I guess we've (azie and i) had a total of 14 hours of sleep excluding last night in 7 days. Hyposomnia at its best.

As of 14th June 2006, i'm licensed to kill and a bum, a very proud one that too.
Exams are over, soon my folks will be here and then its graduation day.
Time to say good bye.

Seems like everyone's more excited than me, had a whole battalion calling me Dr.Viroshini, suddenly the world came crashing...NO!!! hold your horses, not yet...actually- "i'm a bum who is licensed to kill"

In a month's time i'll be back in Malaysia, and soon Moscow will just be a 'distant past'.
I guess it all boils down to-> sense of belonging. Sadly, i've lost my sense of belonging in Malaysia. Maybe it has something to do with the duration i've been away or maybe the age at which i left the country. Maybe its just familiarity. All of which revolves around the most subtle dimension-time.

What do you get when you throw 9 seriously unfit trigger happy medical students onto a mock battle field equipped with guns?-Paintball!!! and lotsa casualties.
Had one of those never ending days yesterday. Finals-Paintball-Farewell Do. All of which require prior organization and TIME (lots of it).
The paper on its own was demanding, then came the running around for our convocation, after which we went paintballing and the guys at the hostel had organized one of those last-minute -parties which meant we HAD to be there. Left the house at 0700hrs and walked in at 0200hrs.

*stretch*

There was no way we could cancel paintball,coz the deposite had been paid and we promised ourselves that we'd do it the very day we become bums.
Unwind and celebrate our status->paintball.Nice.Only if you aren't sleep deprived, hungry and mentally exhausted.
Have enough bruises to convince 1-800-teledera...the major give away might be the shape and location of my bruises. There's one on my gluteus-thank you ashish.You Stooopid Facker!

Anyways the party was kinda like 'Revenge of the Nerds'.
We saw US, the US 6 years ago.While we were partying they were studying. The party was their way of saying, see...we know how to party too.
For the first time in my life i felt like a NERD. Everyone was dancing and drinking, basically just letting off some steam.
There i was, with a drink and a smile, underdressed and tired.Thankfully, i wasn't the only one feeling that way. Something tells me its the age.
Nevertheless, i had a fantastic time.

Well...growing old is mandatory but growing up's optional, and yet...

In a nutshell, i'm single, eligible, available and LICENSED to KILL...

p/s: forgot to mention-overworked, unpaid...and lack sleep.