Crux

You know that moment when you look at someone in the eye and you know if its a yes or a no?
That fleeting moment where you both understand whats happening without talking?

Or that moment when a word is said and can't be taken back, and it forever remains a game changer?
You both know where this is going.

How about something bigger that hovers around the relationship like dark clouds before a storm , something that determines the defining moment in life related decisions , because once there's a shred of doubt , its check mate.

Life delivers itself onto us when we least expect it to, just to see how we react and accept.

Sometimes doing the right thing may not necessarily be the thing you would like to do, but your conscience and morals wouldn't let you do it any other way. Its about owning up and standing by your values.

It may seem like a glitch in your plan or in the program you've thought of for yourself but rest assured, accept it and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Extraordinary things happen to ordinary people and that is essentially life unfolding.

The universe has its ways and It always brings together people and circumstances that need to happen.

Unexpected gifts are the best examples of such occurrence . Be it people or an unexpected pregnancy, a gift is a gift and the true mark of acceptance is being at peace with your decision.

I know you will be able to do It. Alone or otherwise.
Fear not, your support system is far stronger than you can imagine.
Don't worry about what's going to happen in 9 months, but just take it one day at a time.
Don't get me wrong, please plan, but don't worry about things you can't change just by thinking about it.
We have a good feeling about this, bottom line, accept the gift and remember that you are not alone.
You are a beautiful person inside out, and you will make a beautiful person too.
Standing by you with hugs kisses and strong shoulders.

*shoulder shrugs*

"Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul"-Ezra Taft Benson.

I have used this quote before, a long long time ago, when I didn't have mortgages and commitments to think about. A time where, my biggest problem would be getting through a paper.

I am a party bag of emotions right now, party bag here refers to the snack packs that you buy of cocktail nuts, aptly named 'party bags'.

Your soul, knows.

Some of us have the luxury of knowing what falling in love feels like , I can't say that I belong to that group. Luck hasn't been on my side in that category. I guess it is a blessing to not know of the earth shattering , soul wrenching and heartbreaking emotion , lucky aren't I? to be spared the torture...to be spared the torture of knowing or having a sense of belonging, to be spared the torture of being looked at with eyes that say "you are mine", to be spared the torture of sharing blankets or fighting for it.

Your soul, just knows.

There is a feed back mechanism built in within us for every single thing. We know if we are attracted and like something - our body produces a response to it...most of the time it may be something empty and shallow like lust. We enjoy the company of certain people and our body and mind produces a reaction to it making us gravitate towards that person or people. We all thrive on positive emotions or energy. We all like 'feeling good'. And there is no way we should settle for less.

Your soul, only your soul, knows.

What do you call a situation where your reality is far sweeter than your dreams? How do you explain that knot in your stomach when you know you have competition for the same persons attention? Why do we selfishly and secretly wish no one else finds what you have? Is it wrong to be selfish? Is it wrong to be narcissistic-ally sure that you have it in you to make things work?

I am a hopeless romantic who believes in happy endings. who is yet to find her happy ending. A simple " good night" sounds like a punishment , like a deliberate act to demoralize and create a realistic perspective of things.

But your soul knows...

.....it whispers gently first "look...there's your twin soul"

It gives you courage.

It reminds you time and again , when things seem off that "isn't it too much of a coincidence that it fits well?"...."why are you looking for reasons for it to fail?" It asks again.

You then step up to the challenge and say " oh I don't know, I don't think going through something heart wrecking sounds like fun, anyways, I have found a way to survive, its called self preservation, I will make it, don't worry about me,"

And then it hits your like a storm, when you least expect it, on a random Saturday evening through dinner and beers....that if you don't do it now, you just never ever will.

Here's an Interesting song to listen to:
As fall out boy ( a band) would say " I don't care what you think as long as its about me..."

The Pause.

"A child can teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires." 
— Paulo Coelho

That said, my life has been anything but mundane of late. Have I mentioned though, that Paulo Coelho happens to be one of my favorite authors? 

"....How to demand with all his might that which he desires? "

It works. It just does....and the cause and effect of which left a believe in me that can never be shattered.

The story?

Imagine a situation where logic and reason are inexplicably defeated..... Where all you had to be was yourself and honest. (too good to be true?)

That feeling you get when you are soooo attracted to someone that it feels soooo right even if on a parallel dimension, it was absolutely wrong? That feeling as described in one of John Green's book ; Looking for Alaska...."But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

The last 3 months of my life has imperfectly been the reflective canvas of my mind, because I demanded with all my might that which I desired. I demanded for the best. I wanted the best and I wasn't going to stop myself from trying,because deep down I knew I had nothing to loose.

It was and IS scary, and I doubt it'll ever get any less scarier than now. Its difficult when all you seek for materializes exactly the way you want It to, except that you DON'T know if the expiry date has been decided upon yet. It is an absolute guarantee that you will meet naysayers who will suck out every single positive vibe from the situation, just to get you thinking and certainly create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.
I won't lie when I say that all the odds were stacked against me on this one. It is a lonely place to be for a while , because no one knows what exactly you are battling to get there. 
What may be a 'what if?' to me , could be a 'Oh well!' to you and that was a risk I had to take because your life shrinks or expands in proportion to your courage. 

The saddest part of the whole situation is of course, societal conditioning , environmental influences , and the pathetic need to fit in and be 'normal' in a society where genocide, child prostitution , religious wars , corruption , wealth without work and rape is considered almost 'normal'.

Unfortunately , or fortunately all our lenses are different and I am blessed with a discerning pair. I choose to not judge just because I sin differently from you.

Coming back to my last 3 months.....what am I harping about? I am basically going on and on about FIGHTING for your RIGHT to be HOME 

Where is this going?.....I am yet to find out.

Happy Deepavali/Diwali

I am looking for the soundtrack to my life...its pretty impossible to have a single soundtrack but its very plausible to have an entire album.We being suckers for emotion and its reactions tend to want music that sings our every emotion without being cheesy.

When you feel invincible what song would you like playing in the background as you zip across town in your car with the windows down and feeling the wind in your hair?when you've had a horrible day at work and 2 of your patients die,what would you like to listen to?

Soundtracks are fundamental to ones emotion and psyche simply because where words cant describe what you feel,the songs can. I personally turn to songs when i can't verbalize my thoughts and emotions. When i just want alone time...i turn to songs.

There are a lot of people i miss these days...just simply because i can't get the time to chat with them or simply just be in each others company without having to say much.

Life's just like that...

GVK

A good friend of mine is packing his bags...he's ticking off things on his already worn out check list.

He carries a chest full of emotions...some he could explain and comprehend,and some he can't.He knows that he is very very excited,the excitement almost feels wrong,like a child who was forbidden from having cookies before dinner but decided to nick a couple anyway without being caught.

A Small part of him wishes he could be around,a larger part part of him is glad this is happening.

Oh if only everyone understood.

One fine day this person will return as someone absolutely different,whose eyes don't quite see the way he used to.Sure that might sit well with a lot of us,it will take a lot of getting used to by his creators.

Then comes the part where we ask,where will this take us,will we still be friends?will you and i be as close?will we drift apart?will i be able to recognize you?

Maybe.

Then again communication is a two way street.

The legal drink age is 21 in the States and pot is illegal.Rubber is cheap and tuition fees aren't.

Whatever you do Baby Brother,Let me be there for you.Have a fantastic trip into adulthood.It will blow you mind away.

I will always love the 3 year old with excellent milo making skills.

Friend or Foe?

Its been exactly 12 days since i stepped into Hospital Raja Permaisuri Bainon,more accurately,the once exclusive all male dominant Orthopedics department.

I am looked at with absolute awe...which i honestly feel is quite flattering.(some have a slight hint of jealousy,and some look at me like i am totally whacked)

Now, lets reflect on the last 6 months...extremely eventful!!..

I've uprooted my life and life as i knew it is changing.I'm living with my parents now, which is something i haven't done in 10 yrs...10 years is a bloody long time...thats more than one third but less than half of my life span. which is HUGE!

Next, I've now been downgraded to newbie all over again,but i have no complaints...being a newbie allows you to have a clean start...your slate is clean.People DON'T know you.They obviously can't have an opinion about you.

It has been absolutely refreshing to work in a different environment which isn't dominant with one particular race.Its nice to know that we aren't too consumed with ourselves.

Then there's the age factor...almost everyone who's running around is either my age group or much much older...so...it actually could be called a 'young hospital'.

It sucks being the newbie,but i am pretty exciting about starting over...lets see where this goes. 

Kaiser Chiefs - Everyday I Love You Less and Less

Indigo

So I was recently asked a series of questions,one of which was very interesting...

"So if you say we are all handed what we should be able to handle,then why is it some do commit suicide?"

"Sometimes,the thought that you'll have to go through something absolutely alone drives you to  have morbid thoughts,its as simple as being tired after a long day,all you want to do is sleep.Get some rest,take a break.The thing is,when your life seems like a daily grind of pain,you'll do anything to stop it,and sadly we always choose the path of least resistance. Now,what would be the smart thing to do is ask for help...just turn around and say,i need help,i think i could use  just a hand...and hopefully you'll get through it.I also believe in Karma and the cycle of life.SO,this would in turn mean that each one of us is handed problems/glitches to be solved,regardless of how long it takes.If you do choose to run away,it doesn't end, it just reappears as a different problem waiting to be solved.In the end,what you thought was the solution isn't exactly a solution,it is just a motion for continuance.Eventually, you will have to face it, with or without help.Ask and you shall receive-we've been told, so?use it!"

These are just my opinions...who knows what the truth is?...in the end it all boils down to believe,if you believe in something,there's hardly a chance for anyone to make you think otherwise,and most often,what you choose to believe,becomes the truth.

Just be a little discerning when you make choices,you'll surprise yourself.