Day 29

Its been 29 days...

I just got back from Kuching,the flight was surprisingly confortable and punctual.
Now Kuching...Kuching was meant to be my little retreat after an exhausting month,and yes an exhausting month it was.

What Kuching had-2 out of my 3 great friends are there doing their housemanship,and well i needed stability and familiarity.

Reena freaked out because in the 8 years that she has known me,i've never ever ever been extreamly sad or disheartened or anxious or anything less than optimistic...infact being clinically depressed is something soo alien to me.I will never comprehend why or how...but the truth is,i have always had a vision,and i always have had dreams and wants...but in the last 4 weeks,i have been blank and i have been blamming myself for everything.

The closest i've been to being myself in the last 4 weeks was the last 2 days.

We did exactly what we'd do during our Moscow days and their Aussie days,i.e: Long coffees and absolute cerebral orgasms.

We trashed out every probable cause and the best possible solution...and you know what?
The Last 4 weeks was very much needed- to jolt my system and realign myself to my goals maybe?
Or was it my body saying-i am tired,i am not meant for this...i am meant for something greater?
Honestly, in the opinion of beekins and i, our lifes have been predestined...as much as we try to beat systems or choose alternative pathways,we ended up in the system...while we go through life though,the one thing we should do is make the journey an interesting one.

I may not be myself yet...but i am getting there...depression is tiring and it isn't me...i should cut myself some slack,especially since everyone else is cutting me some slack.

Lets see how this goes...

Do I?

Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.
Ezra Taft Benson

My mother happens to be a great source of inspiration,simply because she proved that nothings impossible.
That said...my vision for the moment is impaired.
I am to refrain myself from making any decisions for the week,and i think its a smart move.-Mum's orders.

Do i do good with change?...i'm thinking i do.

DO i leave or stay?

Do i move or MOVE?

what do i want?what am i capable of?...am i running away from something?

...as my brother says,its quarter life crisis,come lets go buy the R8...(oh yea,i wish i could)

Till the next one.

Churchill

An 87 year old man walks into a Doctors office and exclaims;

"Doctor!...so its you again!..."
"Evening Uncle, yes..good to see you too..."

We exchange a bunch of very routine questions and before he walks out he says, "Welcome to Winston Churchill's club, he was a left hander and very intelligent!"

I smiled politely and stared like a right idiot at him...and suddenly like a sudden spark we both quoted the same thing "never ever ever ever give up!" and laughed like old friends,and it was at that moment that it hit me...

Why was i losing sleep?why was i working myself up?why was i getting stressed out?why was i kicking myself hard?Why am i suddenly thinking of worst case senarios?-Just because i have a list?...i don't know what the future has in store for me but i do know that if i do things right when i can and could,i should.

Wow...all of that was easier typed out and thought of than actually trying to not think about worst case senarios.

I thought i had it all figured out...time is running out,time is running out.

I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.
J. D. Salinger

Stigmas

Social stigmas and the price you pay for it...

Here's an example;

There is this intelligent individual on the brink of burnout with an acknowledged anxiety issue,recently discovered of course...who,like most well educated individuals,approached a colleague in psychiatry...who's first reaction was:

"Aren't you worried about the social stigma?"

No,this individual wasn't ashamed.There's no shame in asking for help...and its sad to see yourself,escort yourself towards self destruction when you knew that there were options.

It disheartening to see the level at which certain medical fields are perceived in Malaysia,very barbaric to an extent.

There's one simple question you could ask yourself, why should a field be created if it wasn't significant enough?

Then again, not everyone has the strength and courage that takes to say "I need help,please help me"

The worst part about asking for help is when the reaction of people whom you trust your life with is absolutely disappointing,with replies like "Oh come on,why would YOU of all people need help?"

...I'm human? ...and flawed...

I have a problem,and i will handle it, even if the world thinks that its impossible for someone as carefree and as laidback as me to face anxiety issues.

Google it,its a real problem.

1st March 2010

Here's the problem with being in a place like Penang,which has its roots close to its heart- regardless of the day of the week (sundays/fridays), if it is a traditional festive of some sort, they will not hesitate to ignite fireworks at 11pm at night,just to signify the festival.

Its hard being foreign to absolute lack of civic consciousness because, where i grew up,we were thought to be sensitive to the wants and needs of everyone.Which brings me to another point, about drivers in Penang, they don't believe in using the lanes provided instead hogging your lane and theirs is considered fine,absolutely fine.

Sounds like random rants isnt it?

No it isnt,not when you have trouble sleeeping and the one night you choose to sleep early you are woken up by the sound of fireworks.Its also not funny that a jam could occur out of no specific reason, i left Ipoh at 6.30pm and reached my apartment at 10.15pm,which is rediculous!

All that aside,i've been feeling restless and uneasy...i'll figure that one out,soon.

Time to get back to doing something with a little academic touch to it...