Happy Deepavali/Diwali

I am looking for the soundtrack to my life...its pretty impossible to have a single soundtrack but its very plausible to have an entire album.We being suckers for emotion and its reactions tend to want music that sings our every emotion without being cheesy.

When you feel invincible what song would you like playing in the background as you zip across town in your car with the windows down and feeling the wind in your hair?when you've had a horrible day at work and 2 of your patients die,what would you like to listen to?

Soundtracks are fundamental to ones emotion and psyche simply because where words cant describe what you feel,the songs can. I personally turn to songs when i can't verbalize my thoughts and emotions. When i just want alone time...i turn to songs.

There are a lot of people i miss these days...just simply because i can't get the time to chat with them or simply just be in each others company without having to say much.

Life's just like that...

GVK

A good friend of mine is packing his bags...he's ticking off things on his already worn out check list.

He carries a chest full of emotions...some he could explain and comprehend,and some he can't.He knows that he is very very excited,the excitement almost feels wrong,like a child who was forbidden from having cookies before dinner but decided to nick a couple anyway without being caught.

A Small part of him wishes he could be around,a larger part part of him is glad this is happening.

Oh if only everyone understood.

One fine day this person will return as someone absolutely different,whose eyes don't quite see the way he used to.Sure that might sit well with a lot of us,it will take a lot of getting used to by his creators.

Then comes the part where we ask,where will this take us,will we still be friends?will you and i be as close?will we drift apart?will i be able to recognize you?

Maybe.

Then again communication is a two way street.

The legal drink age is 21 in the States and pot is illegal.Rubber is cheap and tuition fees aren't.

Whatever you do Baby Brother,Let me be there for you.Have a fantastic trip into adulthood.It will blow you mind away.

I will always love the 3 year old with excellent milo making skills.

Friend or Foe?

Its been exactly 12 days since i stepped into Hospital Raja Permaisuri Bainon,more accurately,the once exclusive all male dominant Orthopedics department.

I am looked at with absolute awe...which i honestly feel is quite flattering.(some have a slight hint of jealousy,and some look at me like i am totally whacked)

Now, lets reflect on the last 6 months...extremely eventful!!..

I've uprooted my life and life as i knew it is changing.I'm living with my parents now, which is something i haven't done in 10 yrs...10 years is a bloody long time...thats more than one third but less than half of my life span. which is HUGE!

Next, I've now been downgraded to newbie all over again,but i have no complaints...being a newbie allows you to have a clean start...your slate is clean.People DON'T know you.They obviously can't have an opinion about you.

It has been absolutely refreshing to work in a different environment which isn't dominant with one particular race.Its nice to know that we aren't too consumed with ourselves.

Then there's the age factor...almost everyone who's running around is either my age group or much much older...so...it actually could be called a 'young hospital'.

It sucks being the newbie,but i am pretty exciting about starting over...lets see where this goes. 

Kaiser Chiefs - Everyday I Love You Less and Less

Indigo

So I was recently asked a series of questions,one of which was very interesting...

"So if you say we are all handed what we should be able to handle,then why is it some do commit suicide?"

"Sometimes,the thought that you'll have to go through something absolutely alone drives you to  have morbid thoughts,its as simple as being tired after a long day,all you want to do is sleep.Get some rest,take a break.The thing is,when your life seems like a daily grind of pain,you'll do anything to stop it,and sadly we always choose the path of least resistance. Now,what would be the smart thing to do is ask for help...just turn around and say,i need help,i think i could use  just a hand...and hopefully you'll get through it.I also believe in Karma and the cycle of life.SO,this would in turn mean that each one of us is handed problems/glitches to be solved,regardless of how long it takes.If you do choose to run away,it doesn't end, it just reappears as a different problem waiting to be solved.In the end,what you thought was the solution isn't exactly a solution,it is just a motion for continuance.Eventually, you will have to face it, with or without help.Ask and you shall receive-we've been told, so?use it!"

These are just my opinions...who knows what the truth is?...in the end it all boils down to believe,if you believe in something,there's hardly a chance for anyone to make you think otherwise,and most often,what you choose to believe,becomes the truth.

Just be a little discerning when you make choices,you'll surprise yourself.

The Warrior of Light

Yes,its the same one as Coelho's the only difference is that,i am relating my experiences via his posts. It makes sense and resonates with my inner thoughts and feelings.it gives hope and allows you to cut yourself some slack.

Every day, God gives us, as well as the sun,a moment when it is possible to change anything that is causing us unhappiness.

The magic moment is the moment when
a “yes” or a “no” can change our whole existence.
Every day, we try to pretend that we do not see
that moment, that it does not exist,
that today is the same as yesterday
and that tomorrow will be the same too.
However, anyone who pays close attention to
his day will discover the magic moment.
It might be hidden in the instant
that we put the key in the door in the morning,
in the moment of silence after supper,
in the thousand and one things
that appear to us to be the same.
This moment exists, a moment in which
all the strength of the stars flows through us
and allows us to perform miracles.

(By the river Piedra I sat Down and Wept)

The Servant - Cells (Sin City )

Neneh Cherry and Youssou N'Dour ( 7 Seconds)

KARMA POLICE-RADIOHEAD

Life in Technicolor II - Coldplay

Gotan Project - Triptico

Gotan Project - Diferente

GOTAN PROJECT - La Gloria (official video)

Pigeonholes

So today i had a relatively fulfilling conversation with a good friend,lets call her Winne.We spoke about things we always speak about and went on to speak some more.

We reached a topic about someone common,lets call him Tigger.So,our story today is about typecasts and stereotypes created by whats known as social decorum.

So here's a story about go getters, Go Getters have no principles are far as territorial pissing is concerned.

There's no such thing as honor amongst thieves and there's no such thing as being around for people who need you.

I know of a person who never takes no for an answer, except when he is in doubt of himself. Sometimes its convenient to get someone to convince you that this is what you want,so that you convince yourself that you are making some martyr like decision when in reality,you didn't have the guts to take responsibility for that decision.

Today,a good 4 years later,you have 'what if' thoughts...what if thoughts don't happen if you MADE the decision in the first place.

Then some might argue, maybe it was his decision, he just didn't think that he'd miss out on a lot.

No, when you are a go getter who stops at nothing, the only thing you are regretting is not making that decision on your own.SO what do you do?...you can't rectify 'could've'  'should've' because they belong in a different dimension.So make excuses.You look for someone to blame.

So Winnie defends Tigger and says...maybe its something he was forced into.

My rebuttal?...he wasn't, Simply because you don't become a fixture as someone's booty call...especially if this someone is in a relationship with some other guy? 

Here are more valid Points:

A man is expected to 'Provide', Protect and Take bullets for your wife.

If a man however strays...the world talks about it for maybe a week, a month tops,because honestly no one,not even the wife expects the husband to not stray.We all know it,but we are all too cowardly to mention it.All of us want to belong and fit in the world today so being lemmings are what we are fit for.

Conversely,if a man...loses his job,hits his wife or lives off her...its a big fucking deal,because his isn't man enough!...he couldn't do the most primal things for his wife/family.Sad isn't it,men aren't bound to the same rules in a relationship?...our expectations off men are sadly meager.

NO...no one will admit to it...but secretly i can see all you people nodding.

Thats alright,we are conditioned by society to be a part of the conveyor belt called life-in the eyes of others.

A woman is expected to be a Mother...one who can't stray.If she does, she'll be shunned.If she chooses to work and not stay home with her kids (when her husband is doing relatively well) she will be shunned.If she speaks for her husband (who's penis is the size of an amoeba), she will be shunned.

Real Swell to be Asian and Narrow isn't it.

Coming back to my rebuttal of go getters, GO GETTERS don't ever compromise on their reputation unless they really want it...and they will go get it knowing full well that they are on the brink of losing the most valuable asset anyone will ever own.Your reputation.

Go give it a thought and let me know what you think.

I'm craving a nice triple shot espresso latte with no foam in kids temperature,anyone?

Iron and Wine - Boy With a Coin

Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy. God non existence of.

Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter - Official Video

Dunkel

Lets talk about this funny thing called chemistry.

I was unbelievably good at it in school, and absolutely oblivious to its existence now except in relation to cooking.

So,what makes you go up to someone absolutely random and say hi?I'm not talking about sexual chemistry,i am talking about chemistry period.

Lets assume your only common ground is the fact that your both are in a similar field or have to work together on a case or two,so if you look at it, the ONLY thing you have in common is your vocation.Here's the part that gets tricky...just because you both do the same things,you automatically assume its all going to fall into place so perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle.

Why you ask?

Here's why, just because you and i like medicine,doesn't make us like minded...i also happen to like Monopoly, Cow and Chicken, Boston Legal and reading, which to you is an utter waste of time...you like Korean dramas and Glee...no sir we aren't on the same page.

I like puns...and i like being politically correct,see?that sentence would've flown by you.

Anyway,here's the issue...how do we decide,I'll spend my time walking down this alley?I'm not as spontaneous as i thought i was.Too cautious for my own good.

Forging anything seems to be an issue,am i selfish or am i just cautious?

How do we classify our relationships?

Student-Mentor, Platonic, Flirtatious, Sexual, Exclusive, Oedipus-complexed?

Which ones are you likely to encounter at work?

Which ones do you keep?

Which ones do you discard?

Ultimately, when you could laugh with me about absolutely anything, laugh at yourself and at me...i know i should persevere to at least keep it going.

When you could do the above, and not kick me when i am down,and look for the light at the end of the tunnel when my days are dark...and remain painfully honest, i will hold on to you with dear life.

No man is an island.

Changes

SO,i've got news that i'm supposed to report in Perak on the 1st of July,i'm thinking my plan of getting into ortho and living with my parents is going to Materialize.So good for me.
Right now, the tune of the day is Miami Bitch by David Guetta,mostly because it makes me super duper happy.

A good part of me does feel a little sad that i'll have to say good bye to Penang,it is a fun place,it really is,especially if you have the right company.The durians are good,the food is sometimes overrated, the traffic is migraine inducing and the beaches adultrated.Yet, i am in love with it in a sadistic way.I don't love it like i love Moscow or the feeling KL gives me,but...yes,there's a part of me that has come to like it.

Its like the love affair that you'd like to forget,the one where there were good times and bad times and yet you were both perfect misfits.

So,i've been here long enough to know which Pork Satay rocks and where to get the best mutton varuaval or who charges an arm and a leg for a pack of Granny Smith.I've also been here long enough to sniff out the MC seekers and the Hypochondriacs.I think its time i went towards i'm good at...its time to become an Orthopod, time to become spinal and embrace being called dim wit carpenters with gusto.

Here's one thing for sure,i'm going to be one of em cool rockstar surgeons!

p/s there's going to be a PARTY on the 25th of june,who's coming?

Divine Intervention

I do believe in God...its in you, me and everyone else around us.
Miracles happen,and divine intervention is when you have a freak accident and come out untouched.
I believe i was rash,irresponsible and stupid and...today,i intend to change all of that.I choose to look at today with new thoughts.I know i sound effing manic to begin with but seriously,the way everyone has been handling me has been unfuckingbelievable...
Right from my friends to my extended family and my family...its been great,they've been handling me like i'm fragile and made out of glass.
There comes a point in your life where you realise that your inability to confront the truth and work on it,would/could cost you dearly.So...its takes a collossal mistake to set you right,and i honestly hope and believe that this is it.

Thank You.

Entitlement.

Of late i can't help but notice the worst in others. Its not that i'm trying to make a point, but it just seems to overshadow everything else.
My sorepoint however remains with the way everyone seems to have a sense of entitlement.
Most of them think they are entitled to things that most psychologically sound people wouldn't think they deserved unless they worked their ass off for it!
I guess for most, it gives them an excuse to remain below par,it gives them an opportunity to not have to take responsibility for their actions.
Think about it, a person who feels entitled would say something ginormously idiotic like
"oh,we'll wait for the land office to get back to us,because it is after all their job."
(10 yrs later)
"you know,those scum bags totally stole our property from us...i mean,if i don't pay my taxes,aren't suppose to come after me?...why would you assume the land had no title holders?
(this is because you choose to sit on your ass)
So a statement like this would then lead on to them blaming everyone else for their shortfalls...and they would refuse to believe that it was their fault to begin with.
Another good example would be something simple like patient-doctor relationships.(only applicable in govt settings)
See, patient A,lets call him John. Decided to come and see the doctor for lets say a cough...and it doesn't resolve in lets say 1 week...so john comes back...
Mr.I AM ENTITLED JOHN : I am still not better,aren't i supposed to be better?i mean,isn't that what you people are suppose to be doing?...making people like me better.
THE LOST AFTER PATIENT NO 200 DR: errmm...yes but you can have some residual cough for lets say another 10 days or so...let me give you something for it yeah?
MIAEJ: yeah you better...oh and...throw in a MC while you are at it.
TLAPN200DR:....ermm...sure...

See?...its sad to see sometimes how people have this false sense of entitlement. It reinforces the notion that the world owes you a shit load of things, It breeds less responsible adults and...it certainly creates a silent association of pity party goers.

I mean,seriously,suck it up and own up to it.No one owes you anything!...Clean up after yourself,you might make a difference in the way you live your last few days.

Faith

Is what gets me out of bed every morning.

The closest to God or anything absolutely divine we'll ever get to is by examining our relationships and pegging it correctly. 

Divine intervention is the friend whom you thought never gave a shit,or the friend who effortlessly made you feel better by just being by your side, its your mum, your dad...your brother...i could go on and on and on...

They say "GOD" only protects the young, old and the drunk.Assuming that statement is flawless, i can very safely concur that, mere mortals are god in every right,should they choose to live everyday that way.

Besides that, I've come up with an interesting observation...no where close to science but would be very much appreciated by Jung and Freud.

We are able to pick on a certain flaw/weakness of another only because we've identified it in us,it may not be something someone else could see in that very same person...simply because its something we've found to be an issue for ourselves.

Example:

I could almost always conclude(with substance of course) someone is fickle on the first meeting because,being fickle is something i am guilty of most of the time!Hence i'd be able to smell all the signs!

Reena was spot on and mad at me because i sulked through dinner,not because anyone annoyed me,but because i felt like a sore loser (i didn't know that i was sulking),but i don't think anyone else picked that up,she picked it up because she knew what its like to be in my position.

So...yes i still have to expand on my flimsy theories...but soon...we'll have more coming.

To THE LOAF!

Silk

Thats the name of the movie thats playing in the background as i type this out.Its been sometime hasn't it?well,don't worry we didn't miss much.For starters...well,my sense of humor is returning.I still am struggling with my little black hole and my transfer back to either Ipoh or KL is on the way.

What tickled me today was the fact that i have a colleague in a different department by the name of Candy.I mean seriously,how many of you would take a doctor with a stripper name seriously?I know i won't,mostly because i've got wicked mental pictures.That aside,my day at work was good,and i am trying to see my future all over again.

I read something interesting yesterday,about the future and faith.Something to the effect of having to take a journey,we know of a destination in mind but we can't see the entire way sitting in a car can we?...we mostly see about 200feet...and the rest is based upon a believe that there's a clear path beyond the 200ft.So yes faith is it,we all need to believe in something don't we?some believe in the power words,others alcohol,most of us secretly in the power of love and some a higher being...i'm still a little lost.

What i crave most?my optimism and my unfaltering believe that i am pretty capable of the impossible.I miss being able to picture my future and simply build castles in the air.I miss that person that i used to be.When will i become me again?...soon i hope,thats my faith in time consoling me.

To White Zinfandels and Pinot Noirs.

Acceptance.

I remember reading sometime back that the universe always sends you subtle messages and always conspires to give you what you want.When you don't take heed of the subtle messages and ignore the signs,it sends you one major event...just to realign your position about yourself and goals in general.

That said, i had a major event or more like i am coming out of a major event currently.What this actually made me, was (corny but true) a stronger and more honest person.When you take time and meditate and focus on things that upset you or seem to be like a splinter in your nail bed,you actually tend to get a clearer picture of your true position in all your issues.

Its of utmost importance that the one person you don't lie to is YOURSELF,and its imperative that you accept all your short comings and realize that if you were created perfectly, life wouldn't be appreciated as much as it should be. If all of us were perfectly created,things could get pretty mundane and that pretty much sucks the fun out of achieving something.

Its Yin and Yang, there has to be balance to life. I'm blessed with above average intelligence and a job with infinite prospects,a loving family fantastic friends and yet i have my own insecurities,all of us do but its about acceptance.Its about loving yourself, its about accepting yourself and your flaws.Its about having high expectations and not impossible expectations.Which reminds me, there was this quote i read sometime back, "Anyone who said nothing is impossible should try slamming a revolving door!"

In a nutshell, The March Saga needed to happen,it opened my eyes, it led me to acceptance, it led me to awareness...Hopefully,one day, you'll read a post which describes me having made peace with all my demons. Till the next one!

Sunday Brunch

I had a fabulous weekend,you know the kind thats just impromptu and filled with familiarity.

The Folks came down on saturday and decided to spend the weekend with me,since i've been rather labile with my moods (which isn't soo labile anymore).Sadly, this was my working weekend,which pretty much means i'm clocking in extra hours at work.
Being the wonderful people that they are,they just tagged along,without complaints!

We did the whole lazy sunday brunch and MPH-ing,with witty banter and planning holidays,before i darted off to work and then rejoined them 4 hours later to send them off and a quick bite.

Which reminds me,i just finished this book called the Hindi-Bindi Club about naturalized Americans and 1st generation American Indians.Well,the point i was getting to was,there is this character called Rani McGuiness who hit very close to home.She is highly intelligent and creative but is susceptible to clinical depression.Her parents,Patrick and Uma are supportive and they are her best friends and biggest fans (very much like my folks-they are my biggest fans-even when i draw something sooo terrible only your mum would say "oh honey,its...hmmm...expressive?")
OK...so,now i am paying special attention to this character...
Now,she is the character that spoke to me and in a nutshell,my next plan is to get my chakras realigned.
Which reminds me,Reena once said,all great minds suffer some form of depression...or self conflict...which reminds me about another thing that i've come to realise.
I used to and still do look at reena and jason for the 'security blanket' that i customarily seek and receive from my folks.Its something that i cultivated in Moscow,my parents were too far and my 2 great friends,were there for me.

I like my long posts,mostly because most of you would've lost my train of thought at the 2nd chapter and wouldn't have figured out what the hell i just went on a tangent about.

Either ways,one day my life will flash before my eyes,and i want to make sure its worth watching.

My glass is ALWAYS half full...it sadly has a crack...for the time being.

Serendipity

Should that be what i should call the entire month of March to be?
Maybe.

That said,identifying triggers and trying to control them aren't exactly the smartest moves in the world.On the contrary i might actually aggreviate a few symptoms.

So,i'm trying to move to a phase where i'd be able to remove the third leg and stop scrutinizing all my moves.Is this my path to enlightenment?

As Reena eloquently put it,all great minds went through depression and emotional turmoil...apparently i am a part of the elite group of great thinkers.
(oh how i wish that was true)

Otherwise...i'm in a phase of wines and books,more like, my book phase stayed on,and i'm an annoying self proclaimed wine snob,no really...lets go drink some togther,i'll prove it.

Till the next cork.

Day 29

Its been 29 days...

I just got back from Kuching,the flight was surprisingly confortable and punctual.
Now Kuching...Kuching was meant to be my little retreat after an exhausting month,and yes an exhausting month it was.

What Kuching had-2 out of my 3 great friends are there doing their housemanship,and well i needed stability and familiarity.

Reena freaked out because in the 8 years that she has known me,i've never ever ever been extreamly sad or disheartened or anxious or anything less than optimistic...infact being clinically depressed is something soo alien to me.I will never comprehend why or how...but the truth is,i have always had a vision,and i always have had dreams and wants...but in the last 4 weeks,i have been blank and i have been blamming myself for everything.

The closest i've been to being myself in the last 4 weeks was the last 2 days.

We did exactly what we'd do during our Moscow days and their Aussie days,i.e: Long coffees and absolute cerebral orgasms.

We trashed out every probable cause and the best possible solution...and you know what?
The Last 4 weeks was very much needed- to jolt my system and realign myself to my goals maybe?
Or was it my body saying-i am tired,i am not meant for this...i am meant for something greater?
Honestly, in the opinion of beekins and i, our lifes have been predestined...as much as we try to beat systems or choose alternative pathways,we ended up in the system...while we go through life though,the one thing we should do is make the journey an interesting one.

I may not be myself yet...but i am getting there...depression is tiring and it isn't me...i should cut myself some slack,especially since everyone else is cutting me some slack.

Lets see how this goes...

Do I?

Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.
Ezra Taft Benson

My mother happens to be a great source of inspiration,simply because she proved that nothings impossible.
That said...my vision for the moment is impaired.
I am to refrain myself from making any decisions for the week,and i think its a smart move.-Mum's orders.

Do i do good with change?...i'm thinking i do.

DO i leave or stay?

Do i move or MOVE?

what do i want?what am i capable of?...am i running away from something?

...as my brother says,its quarter life crisis,come lets go buy the R8...(oh yea,i wish i could)

Till the next one.

Churchill

An 87 year old man walks into a Doctors office and exclaims;

"Doctor!...so its you again!..."
"Evening Uncle, yes..good to see you too..."

We exchange a bunch of very routine questions and before he walks out he says, "Welcome to Winston Churchill's club, he was a left hander and very intelligent!"

I smiled politely and stared like a right idiot at him...and suddenly like a sudden spark we both quoted the same thing "never ever ever ever give up!" and laughed like old friends,and it was at that moment that it hit me...

Why was i losing sleep?why was i working myself up?why was i getting stressed out?why was i kicking myself hard?Why am i suddenly thinking of worst case senarios?-Just because i have a list?...i don't know what the future has in store for me but i do know that if i do things right when i can and could,i should.

Wow...all of that was easier typed out and thought of than actually trying to not think about worst case senarios.

I thought i had it all figured out...time is running out,time is running out.

I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.
J. D. Salinger

Stigmas

Social stigmas and the price you pay for it...

Here's an example;

There is this intelligent individual on the brink of burnout with an acknowledged anxiety issue,recently discovered of course...who,like most well educated individuals,approached a colleague in psychiatry...who's first reaction was:

"Aren't you worried about the social stigma?"

No,this individual wasn't ashamed.There's no shame in asking for help...and its sad to see yourself,escort yourself towards self destruction when you knew that there were options.

It disheartening to see the level at which certain medical fields are perceived in Malaysia,very barbaric to an extent.

There's one simple question you could ask yourself, why should a field be created if it wasn't significant enough?

Then again, not everyone has the strength and courage that takes to say "I need help,please help me"

The worst part about asking for help is when the reaction of people whom you trust your life with is absolutely disappointing,with replies like "Oh come on,why would YOU of all people need help?"

...I'm human? ...and flawed...

I have a problem,and i will handle it, even if the world thinks that its impossible for someone as carefree and as laidback as me to face anxiety issues.

Google it,its a real problem.

1st March 2010

Here's the problem with being in a place like Penang,which has its roots close to its heart- regardless of the day of the week (sundays/fridays), if it is a traditional festive of some sort, they will not hesitate to ignite fireworks at 11pm at night,just to signify the festival.

Its hard being foreign to absolute lack of civic consciousness because, where i grew up,we were thought to be sensitive to the wants and needs of everyone.Which brings me to another point, about drivers in Penang, they don't believe in using the lanes provided instead hogging your lane and theirs is considered fine,absolutely fine.

Sounds like random rants isnt it?

No it isnt,not when you have trouble sleeeping and the one night you choose to sleep early you are woken up by the sound of fireworks.Its also not funny that a jam could occur out of no specific reason, i left Ipoh at 6.30pm and reached my apartment at 10.15pm,which is rediculous!

All that aside,i've been feeling restless and uneasy...i'll figure that one out,soon.

Time to get back to doing something with a little academic touch to it...

Redemption

I remember being a Houseofficer, I remember not being able to check my mails or blog or read as i would normally do.
That was by far the fastest year of my life,no actually,last year passed pretty fast too...well the point i was getting to was; everytime i visit prawn prawn's page i expect it to be updated when in reality i knew that it wouldnt be and yet i was taking a chance.

Chance...now chance...is an interesting word, chance could mean risk or advantage.Interesting how it could mean 2 very opposing poles.
So chances...i'm not very good at taking chances.
Another thing that i'm greatly against is indecision.

Indecision is costly, painful, irritating, spells weakness in character...you get me.

The point i was trying to make was, i think, and i admit that i did wrong by someone. Wrong by my standards.
Of course i had reasons to believe that i disliked anyone crowding my space or controlling me,but, i know i did wrong by this person. All of this happened when i decided to sit back and reflect upon my behaviour...which was just before my birthday...also a lot of it had to do with my recent embarkment on a journey i knew i wasn't willing to see through till the end.

All that aside, here's who i think i am...or atleast who i think i've become:
I'm very very very aloof, to anyone and everyone.
I like my space.
I dislike immaturity and absolute stupidity
I am very vigorously being as objective and as non judgemental as i could be.
I have a thick lead wall...

SO,this would then bring us back to the year 2008...oh my,its 2010...time really waits for no one.
I met someone in 2008, who left me confused and in pain...the kind of good pain,you know the 'misarable' feeling.Me being me,too proud and walled up, decided to back off and look for as many flaws and loop holes i could possibly find because,honest to god,i haven't felt anything soo electrifying and charged like that in a LONG LONG LONG time.
*Each 'long' denotes one year.

So, then the defensive side of me found every flaw and disected it like a skillful surgeon looking for the finest of misfits,dislikes,incompatibilities and of course, i was successful.

Happily or unknowingly unhappily successful.

At that time,when you are confused and in pain,it would seem like the correct thing to do.

Right now,corrective measure: i've made peace with this person,not entirely, because people will remember how you made them feel.It takes time and a long long time...especially when the wound is pretty deep.
We had coffee today,it was easy flowing and...very very honest.

Why did i go through all of that?...am i just trying to seek redemption?
The way things seem to be unfolding,i am taking on corrective measures...and i am installing "preventive measures" in me.

Will i be successful?...will this person forgive me?...there's no clean slate with this one.

Soiree

You know how your thoughts become a self fulfilling prophecy? Well, its TRUE, let me tell you why.

So, i have this habit where i'd look at the most peculiar spots in a particular area,and think of a likely mishap relating to that area and how so often you see it on television.

Eg: The space between the lift doors and the landing of a floor?...notice how it attracts your key to fall through it?...well,i always wondered what would it be like have your keys fall through it,and of course wonder why the probability of it happening on television is far greater than in reality. (Of course all this is based solely on my limited experience.)

Walking in at about half past 5, i thought to myself, why not i catch a quick nap and then head out to the gym and join the rest after for a movie at 2200H?

After a much needed LAZE...not SNOOZE...i moved out of my horizontal position and walked out of the door at 2000H, met my housemate at the lift and the both of us chatted all the way down.Not realizing that i already had my keys in my hands(left handed-thus keys in left hand),i absentmindedly unclutched my grip with the intention of fishing for my keys in my bag,this with absolute precision had to happen while i was getting out of the lift, which, yes, meant my keys falling through!

Precise train of thought at that moment "I knew it,i should've stopped imagining it after the first 2 times,look at the mess i've gotten myself into,damn,damn...the movies in 2 hours,shit...no working out today...damn"

My now stunned housemate, has no idea how to react, except to offer a ride and maybe his spare key,which i politely turned down,because being the anal retentive person that i am, i won't be going anywhere till i get my keys back!

Time 2008H

So i called the lift service number and requested for a technicians expert hand in the matter,which of course, Mr.Lee (the one attending the hotline) informed me would cost an arm,especially since its after hours. I explained that i understood and told them that i was stuck outside my residence,to which he assured me i would be attended to in half hour.

Time 2020H

Finally at 2040H, Mr.Nizam the technician, calls and tells me in a horrible chinese accent that he'll be at my place in half an hour,so finally at 2120,i paid Mr.Nizam an arm and thanked him profusely, to which he surprisingly answered back in flawless,accentless Malay. (i think visuals are important)

Due to Mr Nizam's prompt action i managed to make it for the movie at 2200.

If you really must know, your twisted thoughts do cost you dearly if you ask me...now there goes lunch money for the next 5 days!One Helluva Soiree..although i'm not too sure if its applicable for a technician,an idiot, a bunch of keys and a lost housemate.

Discreet Charm?

My weaknesses include a nicely brewed cup of coffee and most breads (not white,can't stand white bread)...it could be anything from a simple wholemeal roll to a merry looking multigrain fruit loaf.That said, in Penang, there are 2 very nice places that bake their own bread at reasonable prices, first:Rainforest-Bread Artisans and next:Continental bakery,i personally prefer buying a nice rye loaf from Rainforest although Continental has a wider choice as far as wholemeal rolls are concerned.

Sometime last week,when i had gone to Rainforest to pick up a loaf of multigrain bread, i came across a very quaint looking corner shop cafe'...the kind that has a sign outside with the specials but has no name on its front.This place is soo discreetly located on the heritage walk route that unless you are a tourist or one with a penchant for picking up hidden gems,you'd most definitely miss it.

What really caught my attention was the espresso machine and the nicely treated and lacquered wooden front doors.As how most curious minds work, i parked and walked in. The place was empty, as they were i assume preparing for dinner.Attending the bar was a young girl called Marissa and there were 2 other people there running about getting things sorted-Mellissa and Anuar.

Anuar fixed me a nice flat white, and i mean a nice flat white. The place was charming, exactly the kind of place i would run.It was tastefully decorated and not over done,there were reading materials and there was a dining room...there were bar stools and they served CAIPIRNHAs and MOJITOS!...

Getting good Mojitos...in Malaysia?...hardly heard of,except maybe in QBAR...

I made my journal entry while savouring my flat white and i enjoyed it.It was silent enough to think and ponder and yet it didn't feel cold or secluded.They have a breakfast menu, i think i know where i'll be spending my sunday mornings.

The Inaugaration of another eventful year!

Shakespeare once said, all's well that ends well. Maybe. I'm not so sure. Plausible.

Dec 29th, presented itself quite nicely, for one, i got things moving slowly and things are working out just nicely.

-I'm doing part time research with the clinical research centre of Penang

-I'm sitting for my AMC in May

Got a few things from my wishlist working out, the E72, the running shoes, the Mont blanc...you know shallow temporary needs.

The DSLR?...was replaced with some citigroup shares...and paying for my AMCs...

So that aside, clarity hits you in many forms, it could be a fight, a nice chat, it could be someone breaking down  things for you...whatever it is, clarity is clarity.

The way things are done towards you or upon you, usually is self explainatory...exchanges are crucial,it tells you how you are viewed...no love goggles...no biased opinion,which is why, you should be careful what you wish for. On my birthday, i asked people whom i considered important to tell me what i should change about myself, most of them refused to colaborate...i was a little disappointed but that just said that i had a lot of love around me, or everyone around me owns a pair of goggles.

I should've known better.Besides the Autobahn, i don't know of any roads without bumps and holes. Even the Autobahn is limited. On new year's eve though,i hit a road of absolute clarity...which has left me in a slightly awkward position. I don't intend to get into it now, but in a nutshell, i've never been in soo much pain in a long time. Oh well, apparently, that ended well for most parties concerned.

To sum up my journey so far?...it started wonderfully, met with a horrible hole whice caused a tire change and i'm back on the road again. Sometimes, you need to get over the hiccoughs earlier through the journey just so that you'd be better equipped through the remainder of the journey.

Am i venting?...not quite.

Am i excited? Hell Yeah!