Walkabout

My post was more that a month ago and a lot of things have changed.

Remember the post about having my walkabout?well...i'm on my walkabout and its awesome!
Abso-fucking-lutely mind blowing and enlightening.
I've been away for 8 days now and its refreshing.

Sa Wah Dee Kah,form the land of King Rama V.Yes,i'm on my Rotary GSE,albeit short its been a major download of information for me and i'm loving every second of it.

SO we are a team of 4, a leader and 3 members.Its the usual mix chinese malay indian...
and while they are at a Go Go show i'm sitting here and trying to blog unsuccessfully...

Location:Phuket....look out for updates this weekend.

27

You know what's Ironic?

In a typical day i see up to 120 patients who quite so willingly put their lifes in my hands-without a shred of doubt,with the hope that i deliver my very best and nothing less of course.They trust my decision, me, a complete stranger whose only claim to earning that trust is my degree and practice as a doctor.

Yet, for some unfathomable reason, you will always be incapable of sound decisions ONLY crucial ones mind you, in the eyes of the people who love you the most, as to them, you'll always be that wailing, cooing, nappy soiling creature that you were more than 2 decades ago.I'll always be reminded of my 'baby talk' and incomprehensible sense of style or my acquired taste for foods that most humans don't consume at the age of 2. Elephant- Effelant,you know...

That said, i really have nothing to complain about as i was always, ALWAYS asked to make my own decisions and rationalize them with my parents, at the age of 17 i was a "level headed and sound decision making teenager" but at 27...i'm anything but that.

Anyway, on the brighter side of things, Appu, has accepted Intel's offer at Bayan Lepas, which means we'll be in the same city yet again...i think this is my chance at getting to know my brother a little better.We've always been close, and talk about almost anything, but as its understood i only saw him and treated him as my younger brother who needs my protection and completely left our friendship to rot. Nevertheless, i am pleased with the fact that we are still friends till today...maybe just not as good as we used to be a couple of years back.

Girish on the otherhand has dropped the bombshell on my mum "i think i'll enroll in the May course of the American degree programme...i have to leave in the next 4 days"

This of course is difficult for someone whose umbilical cord still hasn't been severed. No doubt, she'll feel the loss-he was her confidante, friend, son, coach, physiotherapist, cuddle toy and loyal companion day in, day out...for as long as Appu and i have been away. (7 long years)

This would just mean that i should start rescheduling my locums and try spending as many weekends as possible with my folks so that the vaccum left by my youngest sibling isn't too harsh for them to handle.

till the next one, here's some Poe to ponder over.

It is the nature of truth in general, as of some ones in particular, to be richest when most superficial.

Just another one of those...

The days are just too warm and the nights sometimes hopelessly stuffy,global warming is getting to me.

These days,i find communicating a chore...be it the phone,internet or face to face. I've concluded that my usual inspirations and mind bogglers are too far from me thus leaving my mind a little bit idle. Whats even worse is the fact that i can't sleep through the night without waking up at least twice,first to pee, and second...to pee again. Then trying to fall asleep takes up soo much effort,i get tired trying to sleep and wake up some what more tired than before i went to bed. This i believe has been a contributor to my wasting communication skills.

Initially i blamed it on the endorphines circulating in my stream, as i worked out late evenings, then i blamed it on the fact that my biological clocks hay wire.NoW, i know...all i have to do is discipline my sleeping pattern.

Whats also getting to me is the amount of shit that happens at work and the people i have to cope with through the day, and sometimes i HAVE to sit through a whinning session.

So, now thats sorted, lets get to what i've just worked on...so i remember in the begining of the year i came up with  the resolve to become a better me through my mini walkabouts, well, that hasnt been happening much but whats good is that i also promised myself to get from FLAB to FIT.

Now, what i embarked on was an extensive study on supplements and work outs and plans.And as i type this in, my 8 Week rooster is printing out, i'm giving myself 8 weeks to lose 44 pounds!

That works out to about 5 pounds a week with a 1500 Kcal diet rich in Complex carbs, Fibre, Protein and ONLY good fats.

I'm hoping though, my other side..."lazy bones" would choose to remain latent through this period of time. What i am Hoping to achieve is a lifetime of fitness with the ability to cheat my genes into believing i am not meant for any chronic illnesses.

Aims:

HBA1C of 4.0-4.5%, LDL of 1.5, Cholesterol of 3.0, Triglycerides of 0.5, Body Fat percentage of 15%.

And of course looking like i always do...like an understated artwork.

I've come to realise that my obsession with all of the things that i LIKE has made me a hermit, i simply stay away from all that doesn't appeal to me.

The other thing that has been bugging me is the fact that my folks have been pressuring me into meeting tonnes of people in view of marriage...trust me indian men aren't all that appealing, and as much as i'd hate to admit it, watching a movie like "he's just not that into you" could hit the spot dearly.

Sometimes i feel like somethings not right...like there's something incredible waiting to happen...to just fall out of nowhere....leaving me in a more palatable situation than before it happened.

Right now,i honestly feel unhealthy and am eager...for this transitional phase to leave and never come back to this side of the universe.

My P-53 gene was suppose to get its moment of fame in this blog, but i'll get to that another time. Cheers to all things nasty especially procastination.May it be left where it belongs, and thats not with ME.

My mindset right NOW,till kingdom comes will be from Benjamin Disraeli

"A consistant soul believes in destiny, a capricious one in Chance" 

The Rainmaker

My mum calls me The Rainmaker, not because i remind her of the John Grisham novel but because, its always raining when i arrive or it starts to rain when i'm about to leave home,some believe its a good omen. I'm just not too sure why.

The weekend was fantastic, i drove home after a super long friday,left the island at about 10pm and was home in the nick of time (15mins to midnight) just to blow candles and wish Girish.

Family lunch was abso-fucking-lutely lovely, it was great just to break bread together, laugh and have animated conversations. Beekins and Reena made an effort to be present and that by itself said a lot. This family of mine is leaving yet again for another 3months at most, to complete the bridging course and the exam. Our midnight conversations will have to be put on hold for the time being.

I had this warm fuzzy feeling inside the whole time, it had been  sometime since i had seen Appu, let alone have a meal with him. Papa was of course very cute,as he loves poking everyone's food.

On the way back, i did something i hadn't done in a long long time, i slept in my mum's arms and it was serene, it made me feel like nothing in the world could spoil my moment now...nothing mattered. I guess i'll never really grow up, i'll always be my parents' baby. The funny thing is, all 3 of us are like that, with Girish being the biggest baby. He'd climb on both my parents as if he was a toddler, mind you we are talking about a 181cm 75 kg adult! Till today he cuddles my mum and dad at night; and when either Appu or I are home he loves jumping into bed with us just to chat, ask questions and share a little bit of his thoughts.

He's a wonder child. Cheers to you Girish, please remain the way you are.

Anyway, today was nothing less than special as well, as always, Mum made breakfast and Papa fussed over me...while i sat staring at the Laptop Screen cussing and groaning,they pretended not to hear a word i was saying and were cracking jokes between themselves.

M: "The temperature in the kitchen is a little high isn't it Hari?"

P: "urm...yeah..*chuckles*...yes...very hot in here la Sus, i think we should ban office work in the kitchen"

They actually thought i wasn't listening. 

I'd honestly be lost without my folks.

The next 3 months will be all work and no play, till the Bees get home that is.

Jason Tan Hon Pin and Reena Charlene Lopes,go kick some Aussie ass,ill see you guys soon.

p53

As I write this, Muse’s Feeling Good is playing; the beauty about that song is that it is a positive song with a melancholic undertone. Perfect asymmetry.
As writing seems to be an important component of self exploration, I’ve found that music provides the perfect soundtrack to your moods and emotions, I’m in that place where indifference and serenity covers my anxiety, what better music could you think of than Gotan Project?

Do you know why most organizations rebrand?

I’ll tell you why I’d rebrand; nothing beats being able to redesign your identity, to be able to make art out of plain canvas, to be new and to be able to rebrand is ultimately being able to turn back time, now wouldn’t you trade that for anything?
Rebranding grants you a second lease on life, when I say life, I don’t mean turn back time, or undo mistakes; just teaching you how to handle the truth and making right out of a wrong situation. Most of the time,these situations are left as they are and it heads towards a downward spiral.

Reena once told me

“I’ve always thought of a life story, a memoir...but who are my target audience? Your life’s pretty interesting babe, your life could be a story”

Well, I could safely say my life was anything but mundane, how many could say that? No hang on; put me on national television and I’ll say “I’m a pretty boring person”

Most of the time all I do is day dream, and I mean dream big. As I have an affinity for reaffirming and sounding repetitive I’d like to say once again that I simple have Taste, I only want the BEST, see? Now that wasn’t too difficult to understand was it?

Musicals; have always been something that releases enormous amounts of endorphins into my stream, alongside exercise and my 3 great friends. Whenever i think back, I realise that I’ve completely locked out my really bad memories like how one would do everything to polish a scratch off a car door. I could be incredibly positive about life, and these days I nothing but think big impossible dreams (by definition of someone who is mediocre ) or in my lingo, big very plausible dreams.

Reena’s midnight chat went something like this:
R: So I was thinking maybe you can come visit bee and me once we’ve settled down in Melbourne, but that would be impossible if your leave is over...
V: Don’t worry babe, I’m sure something would pop up enabling me to be there...
R: YEAH!! You could get fired!
V: Why not hired, but this time in Melbourne? Why so bleak?
R: Bahahahahahahaahahahaha...
Yes that was literally the conversation.

I would like to think of myself as an acquired taste, like a rare bottle of vintage Pinot Noir, Foie Gras and maybe Beluga caviar.

A brief look at old me: DJ-ed at Hard Rock Moscow, thought English to an expatriate family, extremely into team sports, part nerd part juvenile delinquent, wanna-be speed racer, potential Patch Adams. I’m also quite an eccentric individual with exceptionally good taste in cars, watches and music. Could be painfully selfish and narcissistic. Still I think I get a lot of love and admiration from those who know of me.

There was a time of my life which when i really think about it, i realise that i wasn’t at all proud of whom i had become, and as clichéd as that might sound, i think thats what had made me who i am today. They say every curve ball life sends your way is meant to be an angle of evolution. I am evolving. Definitely.

I kept what i liked very much about myself and am constantly in a battle to eliminate all those things i thoroughly dislike about myself.
Perhaps we could agree upon the fact that I am a far cry from whom i used to be, a better version perhaps? Viroshini 3.0?

A very dear person to me once told me that none of us could restart with a clean slate without some amount of self bashing. Isn’t that the purpose of a clean slate?

How would you evolve without acceptance or closure?

I had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine, who summed me up very nicely; you think highly of yourself but aren’t egoistic, impatient, loyal, laidback, ambitious, easy to get along with and loves being pampered.

Fair enough, I would agree with that summation. The only thing she left out was short tempered.
Where would I see myself going this year? Not too sure at this very moment, perhaps I should consult the Tarot card reader whom I met today at work.

Work. Now work’s pretty interesting, i meet a wide range of characters, they all add spice to my life, its quite amazing how we could grasp soo much if we used the power of observation.

I love to people watch. Its like bird watching but only you are free to use your imagination and classify into genus and species that you want, not reference books or vision aid, just you, your imagination and a whole load of people.

Sometimes, we get a knot in our stomachs it’s more of an ESP thing, it’s what happens when you are full of anticipation and someone totally teases you with the information-by of course withholding it!...

I love surprises, good ones of course and life’s full of good surprises...at least i think so, I’m a fan of Mr.Brightside remember?

When you want to get all fired up a good tune would be Wagner’s Flight of the Valkyries. Trust me on that one.

Oh by the way, p53 is actually a Guardian Genome, see what it does is that...ill continue this in about 10minutes...

Folie A Deux

That literally translates into 'Madness between two'. We'd be lucky enough if in our lifetime to ever have a moment of 'folie a deux' ...most of us go through life hoping to never encounter such a beautiful and profound moment,which could only be shared with someone soo dear to you and of course loved.

Its a matter of having the same wavelength, principles and naturally similar or opposing passions.

Last week was eventful, there were extremly beautiful moments and absolutely mind boggling ones; i don't know why i didn't make it into the top 6- thats mind boggling.

I had achieved what i intended with both my family and extended family over the last week, i remained my usual optimistic self till last thursday,which was the day i discovered they had already selected the TOP 6.

Oh well, maybe i at meant for greatness, just not as a Rookie. As beekins put it, 

"Professional drivers just don't qualify to be rookies babe!"

That aside,what really baffles me is the fact that we were told that we'd be informed personally-that was a verbal honour and too bad, it doesn't exsist in today's world, The knowledge of that had actually left me quite surprised as i thought, the younger and more exposed we are, chances are we'd honour our words; sometimes your principles are sidelined.You wouldn't have much of a spine left by the time you turn 30.

I've been trying to get my hands on Faust by Goethe...Malaysia is quite an infant,and needs some exposure,and Malaysians,just don't read enough.

Secret Smile

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I'm losing, I'm bluesing
But you can save me from madness

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So save me I'm waiting
I'm needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now

When you are flying around and around the world
And I'm lying alonely
I know there's something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only

Flight of the Valkyries

Thats one of Wagner's famous pieces,which i assume gained popularity with the masses after the much acclaimed Tom Cruise movie "Valkyrie".

Well,i just got back from my Practical/Ice Breaking session at Sunway/Shah Alam for the Red Bull Rookies. I was abso-fucking-lutely awesome! Imagine Adrenaline laced with red bull,severe competition as in competant and tough competition...tell me,whats not to like about the weekend?

Also,i had quality time, with both my folks and my extended family...Saturday was an eye opener,as i understood what the media wants...they want interesting people who play by the borders of SAFE...which i'm not soo sure i was.

Anyway, in my short interview i was asked to tell about myself and i actually said "i'm a boring person, who reads extensively, goes to the gym 3 times a week, hang out and chat over coffee with my friends and mostly work"

...thats me in present tense  but i am FAR from boring...i'm a practicing doctor who plays basketball,futsal and pool and represented my varsity in the intervarsity games in Moscow, while i was at that,i DJ-ed for a bit at Hard Rock Moscow and then went on to teach English to an Expatriate Korean Family,pretty good at paintball too...could drink like a fish at some point.

Oh well,i missed that boat...too bad...now i'll have to rebrand myself.

I want to be one of the Top 6,and something tells me,even though the competition was tough...i will be there...i am FEELING GOOD.

I'm realigning myself with my goals...till the next one.

Bali

As the title is self explainatory,we shall just get to business.

Our very tiring albeit fun journey started on the 23rd of Jan and ended on the 26th of Jan...as i type this out, i' am fighting the urge to drown myself in Benedryl...i hate, and i mean HATE being sick,makes you soo counter productive and thats not the person that i am!

Bali was the same as it was 2 years ago,but just slightly different,its probably because i'm taking everything in with a different view?

It was absolutely refreshing and of course we had a blast,i'm glad all the first timers had enoumours fun.The food was really good and Jimbaran's seafood dinner was out of this world. 

Remember how i said my walkabout starts today in my last entry?it really did start at that time,i've gotten myself a copy of Animal Farm by Orwell just to expand my view on communism and if you think about it,wouldn't you be curious to know who portrays a pig the best?

right now,my nose is blocked,i've got tears welling up in my eyes and...i've got a sorethroat!!

well...let me finish who'll cry when you die and continue enlightening you people.

More about Walkabouts

Lets continue with the next observation;

4)I desperately need a walkabout.....lets call it 'self-preservation'.

5)I've become intolerant of stupidity, unreasonable obsessions, small talk, self pity, victim talk and certain types of humans.

6)I didn't see the 26 year old me as  the person i am today, i'm not sure of what i exactly saw,but i think it did involve being elsewhere, doing something more significant and still living the good life.

Don't get me wrong, i was made to serve and get my hands soaked in blood, its just that, i'm not sure if i should be here or someplace in Sierra Leone working in a MSF camp. 

7) As much i did enjoy bringing along my favourite vices with me, i think i should CONSIDER quitting my carcinogenic pack of 20s.

8) I have to get into a fitness regime...this means serious business and being in OPD, is giving me time to spend on getting fit from fat.

9) Sure i've conquered MRCS part 1, there's still part 2 and 3...lets not forget my ingenious plan of leaving the country.

10) Orthopedics is it i guess,its fun and it involves power drills,nuts, bolts, screws, nails and spine surgeries.

11) My walkabout starts today, with books, the discovery channel, small trips, luxurious time with loved ones, getting fit and being an honest human being.

Lets call this my declaration for now...i'm sure i'll come up with something brilliant by the end of the year,and life's been good to me of late, i've been getting my much needed cerebral orgasms with Beekins and Reena,my rekindled relationship with Azie and of course...my baby boss...she's always around to shed some light and make me Mr.Brightside whenever i need to be.By the way, we've been friends and i mean.....reeaaallllyy good friends for 8 years now.Time does fly.

In our guts (Reena, Syu and Mine) we know 2009 will be a good year...and i'm not going to make it any lesser than that.

I'll soon be sipping Mojitos on the beach...will tell you how that walkabout goes.

Walkabout

When Hitler decided to write a book, he thought of 'Mein Kempf' a very poorly written autobiography which i assume went well with the Nazis and made it to the dinner table of the Churchills.

Most of us make declarations; a very well thought through and meticulous action plan...for the benefit of 'self' of course. Very alike to Hitler's 'Mein Kempf', just without the pompousness and foolish pride.

The New Year came and went and through this time i did absolutely everything to keep myself occupied and not think of resolutions,i did however think of one very reasonable thing to do,i took my favourite vices and junkie shoes with me.

Through this time, i sat for a paper...rekindled old friendships and tried desperately to have my 'walkabout'.

Here's the thing about walkabouts...you dont learn much,infact you don't learn at all if you decide to sit yourself in the comfort of your living room and not move for about 12 hours. I mean, it is called a walkabout for a reason isn't it?

Some things i did realize was that;

1)Penang drivers are useless and tire me effortlessly.Seriously.

2) I don't like remaining idle (yeah i have work and some form of life)

3) I need to achieve something remarkable....soo abso-fucking-lutely remarkable that it would blow anyone's mind out...no really...

i shall continue this in a bit.

26

Poker, Chablis, Junkie Shoes, Family, Pseudo-intellectuallism, Life, Aspirations, Needs, Goofing off...is how i'd describe turning 26 was.

I had a remarkable birthday, well as reens put it, "the converse dream and the good charlotte look"...yeah i totally pulled that one off.

The 4 of us- Beekins, Todler Jeff, Reena and meself had a 3 day holiday in penang of course...thanks guy.

it felt funny turning 26 biologically while being 5 yrs old in all other senses.the girls i.e homies got me a nice handbag, bee,jeffy and reens got me a pair of converse, Praveen bought me dinner and a very well improvised cake...(big apple doughnuts)!

must say,i am one lucky person...26 seems to have started on the right foot,i'm sure i'd have a lot to look forward to in 2009.

Cheers

Ain't No Mountain High Enough!

Of late i've been thinking,or reflecting on the kind of person i am.

I would like to think of myself as an Idealist...and an Optimist...definitely not a realist (my dad would vouch for this) certainly far from a pessimist.

I handle pressure very well,infact i thrive on it.Reena said something that made sense yesterday "You like being miserable!" ,that, in respect to my livelihood of course,nothing else.

My dad summed me up quite well; "Pubs have a limited number of hours called Happy Hours!, but with Roshan, every hour is HAPPY HOUR" 

No am not HUGE on alcohol,apparently i am way too lackadaisikal for my own good and extremly laid back, not an asocial (new term learnt from Ashviny-apparently Anti Social would denote someone who is against social well being i.e: Vandals, THUS asocial!) Oh and i'm ALWAYS looking to have a good time.

I've also recently learnt that i am very very sensitive, as much as i would like to think otherwise.I constantly live with certain dissatisfactions,most of which are from myself about myself and i KNOW how to handle them...its just that procrastination is my biggest vice. Coming back to being sensitive,its quite simple really, i rarely allow anyone into my inner circle and when i do, anything said or done by them does matter....see am such a sucker aren't i?

Anyway, More insights- I have simple tastes-i only want the best...its not a statement,its just a feel good factor, its for self satisfaction. As much as most people think i care about others?i really don't, don't ask me what happened to so and so and so...because i wouldn't know,seriously uninterested. 

Sometimes i wonder,are my views about life and the way i should lead my life rather peculiar?i've come to a conclusion, i'm refreshing, yes i am!...think about it seriously...

I believe in an inner locus of control, i.e: no one or nothing can be blamed for something that happens to you, because they are all subtle lessons. How you view them however pretty much is expressed in your reciprocal actions. That said, i would come off as someone with a lead shield, i do really, i would seem nonchalant,uncaring and heartless-to those who know not of me.

I believe and i mean strenly believe that life has been,is being and will be very kind to me...i would simply sum up my daily being as 'living the good life'. Not many count their blessings on a daily manner,but i do.

i am not feeling very 'Jay-Jay' today, i know why and...somehow i hate feeling this way...but someone once told me, experience it and turn it away in less than a day. 

I have 6weeks to go before my Intercolleagiate MRCS, and i am still chilling out. I need resilience and a schedule.

I can't let the sands of time slip through my fingers...no i won't allow self sabotage!

Theme song for this week: Ain't no mountain high enough by Marvin Gaye.

Bein...Tres Bein.

As we get older,we'd like to believe we've become more mature and serious about ourselves and lifes.

At this present moment i'm suppose to be sitting myself down to go through past year questions,instead i realised how dry and dreary my blog has become.I used to have people who'd faithfully read my blog on a daily basis...now even i don't visit my blog on a daily basis.

SO why not,indulge myself in some deviation thats quite fulfilling and update it?

Anyway,here are some things i've come to notice about the mass public that i deal with.They demand to be served VERY WELL at the doctors office, where on average you'd see 80 to 100 patients a day (Out Patient Dept), meaning in a span of 9 Hours (assuming you skip lunch) you are suppose to see 10-12 patients which means each patient gets on average 5mins of your time. During the span of which you aspire to give your best to them.

No seriously,i ALWAYS have a smile on my face when i deal with my patients...giving them the impression, that i'm still fresh as i was at 7.55 am that morning. SO then you get a fair deal of let downs, i.e: a young girl with multiple non-specific complaints that have no corelation what so ever, so you can either a) treat symptomatically, or b) get several tests done to ascertain you are doing the right thing. i usually choose (b), once they realise i'll need to put them through the ordeal of drawing blood, they'll come clean and say..."i just a day off"

At this point...i usually take a deep breathe and say, sure...next time just walk in and say i need the day off and DON'T LET ME WASTE 10 MINUTES LOOKING FOR A CAUSE WHICH I WOULDN'T FIND...10 minutes which belongs to a patient with heart failure perhaps?

Well,with all that discounted,i have patients who walk in after waiting for half an hour (according to turn) and start screaming at the top of their lungs- 

"What the hell is this? i'm a tax payer! i pay you YOUR salary!...how dare you make me wait for half an hour?"

And this guy had a cold, and was too cheap to buy some benedryl and panadol from the pharmacy which would've costed him RM12 and no time wasted.

See what i like about these people is that, they are the biggest bigots walking on the face of earth, they'd badger someone in the service industry for making them wait 30 minutes (not on purpose) but would not question the 'politician' or the 'ADUN' when things aren't delivered for 8 years.

I love Malaysians, especially the ones who pay me my salary.

When the next patient walked in, i still had a smile plastered on my face...and that patient didn't know if he was seeing the same doctor who delt with the earlier patient.

Anyway, as cowardly as Malaysians are...after collecting the benedryl,piriton,panadol and thymol gargle, the tax paying citizen walked in to say, 'jangan salah faham doktor, saya tak berapa sihat'...

Of course, i nodded with a smile.

Give Out What You Want Most To Come Back.

I started off this entry with something totally different and now i'm here, my attention span's too short. No regrets being in the service industry though, i'm learning something new everyday.

I guess,i don't take things too seriously...i still see the humor in al of this...i mean, imagine how stupid that guy would've felt when he realised i didn't react to his temper?

You've gotta love life!

SO what?

I guess i just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So i'm gonna drink my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent (Nope)
I got a brand new attitude
And i'm gonna wear it tonight
I wanna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight

I wanna start a fight
I wanna start a fight

So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

Uh, check my flow, uh

The waiter just took my table
And gave to Jessica Simp- Shit!
I guess i'll go sit with drum boy
At least he'll know how to hit
What if this song's on the radio
Then somebody's gonna die
I'm gonna get in trouble
My ex will start a fight
He's gonna start a fight
We're all gonna get in a fight!

So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

You weren't there
You never were
You want it all
But thats not fair
I gave you love
I gave my all
You weren't there
You let me fall

So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done (we're done)
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright(I'm alright),I'm just fine (I'm just fine)
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

No No, No No
I Don't want you tonight
You weren't there
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

SOS

A good musical is one that captures your attention from the very begining till the last song.

I watched a good one today, Mamma Mia...awesome,it was.

Confusion sets in when, you know somethings either not good for you,like a sinful eclair and you want it,but you know you arent supposed to have it. Or when you are down right cheeky and curious....and you know the forbidden fruit is the forbidden fruit for a reason.

Suddenly you find yourself in a rut,to have or not to have?to taste or not to taste?

So confusion sets in, anyway,heard of wars without casualties?...no? neither have i.

The thing about setting borders and compartmentalizing is that,more often than not,we do it to align ourselves with what we'd be able to handle.

Aristotle once said,we are what we repeatedly do.

I shudder to think of what i've become.I was looking through my posts that date back to the year 2006,and something tells me i was in my prime at that time.I read at least 2 books a week, right from Bulgakov to Dostoyevsky,i knew my single malts and whites, i was strong with my principles and i had some form of discipline.My vocabulary was vast and i had benching sessions where politics and satire exsisted coherantly. 

I've totally drifted from the point i was trying to make but,here's a thought STAGFLATION, anybody?

On a lighter note, you are officially reading the blog of a soon to be service medical officer of UROLOGY....Erectile Dysfunction will soon be something unheard of (note to readers,this is applicable in cases where i am PERSONALLY involved)

I will be getting my new ride soon...its none other than a Suzuki Swift,1.5...with 100 HPs...can't wait to hear the sound of the engine and feel its response in my hands.

So till the next one,keep thy self entertained with Mamma Mia's SOS.

Choices

There are times when certain songs sing the tune playing in your head...today there are two tunes playing in my head.

Jeff buckley's everybody here wants you...

Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss

A singing smile

Coffee smell and lilac skin

Your flame in me

Hmm, such a thing of wonder in this crowd
I'm a stranger in this town
You're free with me
And our eyes locked in downcast love
I sit here proud
Even now you're undressed in your dreams with me

Oh, I'm only here for this moment

and the other one being secret garden by bruce springstein.

I never knew

There comes a time in your life when you stop and ask yourself, why? why now?...

You tend to wonder if its all intended or accidental...if fate actually took part in messing up your life.Then you wonder off wondering again if this is all it comes down to.

I've started to see patterns in my life...

Law of attraction,you attract what you want,really. You really like your comfort zone but you would like some fun.I have attracted nothing but non commital relationships,be it at work or in my personal life.I can meet a person who could give me attention,time,hormone surges and then some...but i could also keep that person at arms length,that i know is UNFAIR...but as i said earlier,i'm quite comfortable where i am.

Then the other pattern...i tend to like moving about...i don't want to remain put at a certain period of time...i need my breath of fresh air.I need change...regularly (now i sound like engine oil)

I get scared, when someone gets to know me,gets what makes me tick....gets what i want or like.I get scared because my practice of self preservation can indeed cost me dearly...very dearly. I'd like to think that i have made my core friends(extended family members)and am not looking anymore,but then every now and then life teases you with unexpected surprises.

WHY NOW?...i don't fucking know.

And what i really can't understand is why am i such a commitment phobe?i am talking about anything.Not just relationships,but basically anything really,you would need to confirm and reconfirm if its happening.

I hate conforming to norms and rules created by some fool which other 'cultured' fools follow, if its not going to make sense don't bother wasting time at this page.

I like the way we coin terms, to justify EVERYTHING we do...why? i don't know...

"we are in a relationship, an open relationship...so we aren't really exclusive or anything but we are in a open relationship",whatever the hell thats supposed to mean,its either a relationship or its not.

Thats how bloody lame we've become...i have no idea whats in store for us,but at the rate we are going i would rather be classified under 'poultry' than human.

 I never knew that everything was falling through

That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue

To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see,The smoke and who's still standing when it clears.

Northern star

There was once an obedient child,a good daughter...a textbook golden child.Who excelled in school...she was what the teachers called 'promising',and no she didn't disappoint.Although,she does claim to be a netball player,i personally haven't heard exceptional stories regarding the sportsman in her.

Being a perfectionist and slightly obsessive compulsive,takes its toll later in life,but for the time being she took great care of her belongings...wrapped her books,ironed her clothes,wore pristine white shoes,matching ribbons for her hair and razor sharp pencils for monday morning at school.This girl had a natural endowment for art but wasn't very expressive with her artwork,she was more of a "this is due next week,lets start today and by the time its due it will be perrrfecttt!"

On weekends she would tutor her cousins (she was considered somewhat bright),take long walks along the beach with her father while catching crabs and wait for the 'kuih man' on sunday evenings(thats if her father had enough change for a football team).She had her special weekends with her father who would take her across to Penang for Ice Cream at Kek Sing.(this place still exsists!)He claimed they were the best on the Island.

SO, this girl turned into a teenager,who at her time beat the society's standards for what a woman should score in LSC (Lower Secondary Certificate) and went on to complete her HSC (High Secondary Certificate).Many admirers followed...no actually i'm making this part up.The very same year that she sat for her HSC she had lost her father prior to her exams.

Shaken up...lost...full of doubt...pain...and more pain,this lioness picked up the pieces and started working...her studies had to wait for a while (by the way she did well in her HSC),there were no two ways about it.She worked hard,fast and smart...she lost all form of self pity and pain.She educated herself and contributed to the household expenses.She was now a Woman.

She met an intelligent man,with shy kind eyes and slightly absent minded.Well,long story short they moved to Kuala Lumpur shortly after getting marring and started a life together.

Well,many years have passed since then...and today she is one whose passion for life, living and loving sees no boundaries.She is one and all of the following-a good child,student,friend,employee,wife,mother...in an essence a congenial person.

Till date she does her son's art homework and insists on polishing his shoes, this is the obsessive compulsive bit superimposed with the perfectionist bit.By the way her car is filled with minute scratches,but none caused by her!

...She's my northern star,my natural compass,see while most ship captains navigate their course according to the northern star,i would disobediently go against it (illogical choice but the more interesting one)...and when i finally am lost(and if i admit it),it'll guide me home.

My northern star turns a significant age now,and she should know that she has achieved a lot,yes you have.You've made yourself a doctor,an engineer...and a soon to be cartel leader.You've got a warm home,a devoted husband and a band full of rascals to keep you entertained and you do your part to make the world a better place.

I can't think of a better way of saying this,but you have come a long way,and you still have a long way to go...keep that passion burning...and stop polishing your son's shoes,its not acceptable.

Happy birthday Mum.

Bring it on back

The title has nothing to do with the post,its just a song i'm listening to.

Well,the irony of the 'gosudarstvo' is like this, they increase fuel prices,they increase the price of rice and sugar but no they dont increase your pay.
See its a sin to deprive someone of their basic needs,its understood that if you could afford to own a car you can afford to fuel it.
But food?...what happens to the super poor?so they stop eating all together?
Then,they say lets give doctors a better quality of life by increasing after office hour perks, i.e government locum at RM80 per hour, WHOA!...thats a shit load of cash,you work 4 hours and you have RM320...holy crap! that in doctor hours means 3 oncall claims for a houseman and 2 for a medical officer.
SO then the director of Hosp. Pulau Pinang decides to scrutinize all the call claims and decides that doctors who don't punch in or out can't claim.Some of my colleagues have lost up to 4 claims...you do the math.
Now,newsflash B****!,most of the time we are operating,when we aren't, we are looking into patients,and some of us don't bathe,eat or sleep for up to 36hours,the LAST thing you should do is NOT give us our call claims.
Next,you've taken over the locum list and decided to give slots to people who HAVEN'T actively practiced medicine,i.e high ranking administrative officers who essentially are doctors and deprive other practising doctors who have been doing the dirty work wayyy before the hike!
so now,clean your act up and give us what's rightfully ours.
Oh and by the way,when we have up to 200 patients to see from 8am to 12 pm (4hours) please don't expect us to see 50 patients an hour,and give them the BEST health care plan,because its humaly impossible to deduce anything within a minute!...
Looks like you NEVER practiced medicine eh?
Nevermind,keep your title,be a hypocrite and terrorize us will you.Afterall,after the patients have demoralized us you can take over and make us wish that we never choose medicine as a profession in the first place.

P/s:if i don't get my call claims,you'll be handing in your resignation letter soon.