Abomination

"Where are you?...as usual,making me wait?"

"10 seconds,start your countdown,i can see you VERY CLEARLY!"

"Don't Lie!i can't see you! 9..8...7..oh there you are."

So she gets in, we greet each other in the usual manner and smile at each other,like long lost friends. It wasn't long for the moment to be ruined. She went on a tangent about life and its trimmings.

"Why do people have a problem with me?is it my confidence?"

"Its not your confidence,not at all. Its just that most girls don't like girls like you Sayang. You are a threat, in a passive aggresive but nonmanipulative way. You'd walk into a club and her boyfriend would stare at you,she isnt suppose to like that.She dolled up for him didn't she?Put yourself in her shoes,oh wait,that'll never happen,besides you knew that the first time i met you i thought you were a..."

"ok ok i get it,lets move on..."

"you have to listen to this song..."

So i play sexy bitch by Akon,and to annoy her further i asked her if she knew why i thought this song reminds me of her.

"i think i know,so do you think i should change?

"Do you want to change?"

"Why do you ALWAYS have to be soo difficult?"

"Whats the point of giving you an answer that isn't obviously what you want to hear?"

"You are purposely being difficult,sometimes you can just answer without psychoanalyzing you know...oh the line is long,the food must be good...you hungry?

We reached this place called Nasi Kandar 10 Pm or something but the layout didnt impress SOME OF US,so we ended up in Line Clear...

Wishful thoughts and Wishlists!

So Reenakins has a wishlist, SYU boo had a wishlist...

NOW...let us get acquinted with MY wishlist.

1) Nikon D300 DSLR-i really do love photography...REALLY...

2) A Tissot,the exact model i can't remember,but take me along,i'll point it out.

3) A Pair of Sanuks-they are gorgeous,the model i want is called scribble.

4) Tag Heuer F1 series -The one with a Red Face.

5) Nokia E72 

6) Mont Blanc Eau De Parfume and/or Carolina Harrera CH

7)  A Pair of Nike Running Shoes (my current ones are worn out)

8) A starbucks tumbler (Ashes has pledged one for me)

9) A lifetime supply of books on demand!

I figured there are about 5 good souls who actually read my blog-if i could name them i would,but for the sake of you and i, we shall keep it quiet. That said, i don't see any problem with putting up a wishlist, because the ones who should be getting me something don't read my blog and Reenakins-thank you for the early christmas/birthday gift.

Merry Christmas everyone...

BitterSweet Symphony.

Maya Angelou once said,"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

That said; i know i've caused you hurt and disappointment, and eventhough we've had an interesting 3 months, you are hurting and i know you are trying your best to cope, once that passes, i sincerely hope the way i made you feel is worth remembering.

The way you've made me feel in these last 3 months? 

We were expressive, honest, bold, passionate...happy...and you evoked a few latent emotions,for that i Thank You.

You allowed me to be a child when i wanted to be one and You allowed me to be a woman when i wanted to be one.

I'm not as stoic as i look or come off to be.

My intentions were not to cause hurt or disappointment,but sadly as creatures blessed with both emotions and intelligence, there's no befitting way to react to something that threatens stability and happiness.

I know you still care, thank you for letting me know.

I will never forget the way you made me feel. I'm sorry.

Tight Jeans and Double Ds!

There's a reason why i came up with terms like self preservation and territorial pissings,because they exsist to protect and preserve.

That said,allow me to enlighten you:

1) Be thankful that at least one human out there doesn't lie to you.

2) When you take the plunge,give it your all,because you'll never know when an angel would walk into your life again.

3)You may not be everyones cup of tea,you are acquired taste,convince the person sipping on you that you are something that the person could never have enough of. Like my relationship with earl grey.

4) If every action is an equal and opposite reaction, something is bound to happen,to wait and watch.

Good Night People.

Sexy Bitch!

Yes, I can see her
'cause every girl in here wanna be her
Oh! She's a Diva...
I feel the same,
And I wanna meet her

They say: "She low down..."
It's just a rumour I don't believe 'em!
They say: "She needs to slow down..."
The *baddest* thing around town!

She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before!
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore!
I'm tryinna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful!!!

The way, that booty movin' - I can't take no more
Have to stop what I'm doin', so I can pull up her close
I'm tryinna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful

Damn Girl!!!

Damn, you the sexy bitch, the sexy bitch!
Damn, you the sexy bitch!

Damn Girl!!!

Damn, you the sexy bitch, the sexy bitch!
Damn, you the sexy bitch!

Damn Girl!!!

The emotion i link to this song,is unfuckingbelievable. It resonates on so many levels.Why?...i guess we are just like the next person.

Would you have the guts to say...

There are misconceptions about life in general,especially those related to matters of the heart.Some wait for their blood to boil, some for erratic heart rates....and some who just have to have their fingers entwined and know that....this feels right.

I would safely say,i used to belong to the first kind...the visual kind,that needed convincing,the chemistry has to be right/the level of attraction/similar goals out of this encounter. (you know typical self preservation)

This time around....i did things differently,i allowed myself to take a plunge and with the encouragement of some very important people...i did it.

The Hands that i held...to illustrate it like the nerd that i am,well was like an enzyme-complement.It was a perfect fit.Our fingers entwined and it felt right.There were silences, it was either charged or comfortable...i would like to think it was confortable silence,but we both know that it was a supercharged one.

We are different people,you and i...

I'm practical, shallow, could get by the day with minimal communication, less emotionally expressive.

You are spontaneous, need constant communication (not needy,just constant touch), very unafraid to express yourself and of course not shallow...not deep either...haha...oh my,i think i just lost some perks.

We are however alike like this: Loyal,honest,romantic,stubborn, and eager to please.

To Quantify it, we have more in common than we think we do.

In short,if we were alike,we'd be bored by next week and there'll be nothing for us to explore and trust me when i tell you no one knows the definition of "moving fast"....

To answer your question; Yes we are exclusive and no,i am not going anywhere for a long long time. 

Would you like to be my nicotine patch?

7/11

I hate victims who respect their executioners- Jean Paul Sartre.

that is really how i feel about everything and everyone around me,thus absolutely loathing self pity.

Epic

Am i a faulty device?

Maybe.

To be eccentric means to have one's axis located elsewhere,and not at the geometrical centre.

A deviant perhaps?

Maybe

Patterns in behaviour,exsist to offer us some amount of insight...to let us know "look you are doing it AGAIN!"

So, i've been trying to figure it out,my aim for simplicity is almost always ruined by self sabotage.Well,to put it rather flatly, if it doesn't involve resistance and hard work it probably isnt worth fighting for. Why is it soo difficult to accept things at face value?

I've been like that all my life,my appreciation for things/conquests are directly propotional to amount of back breaking feats i'll have to encounter.Thats probably my twisted logic dictating;NOTHING COMES EASY and there's no such thing as A FREE LUNCH!

I don't know how to deal with attention and appreciation directed towards me by my partner probably because at the peak of most of my (dys)functional relationships, i was the one who'd shower the other with attention and appreciation.Was that an unfair statement?maybe.Seriously i don't think this is going to leave anyone messed up.Its a statement based on what i used to be like in the past.

Also,sometimes...when i feel pressured or lets say suffocated (which isn't the case now,i am not suffocated nor am i pressured)...i act up like a spoilt child...which is plain rotten...not proud of it,but yes i have identified it.

The question now remains,will i be myself,and be able to give my 200% in any new relationship?

Yes i would like to think so,as i'm a huge fan of compartmentalization, my past is nicely packed away and yes it is the foundation for one's future,but its not an excuse,not for me.

However,after saying all that, let me just clarify that thoughts and actions are fluid,i'm changing daily,i'm learning something new everyday, i'm learning to be a little less selfish, i'm getting reacquainted with the notion of sharing spaces.It takes a little getting used to...

AM i AFRAID?

Maybe.

Are you going to be around to walk me through this? 

Good Songs

Girish picks up lyrics quickly...mostly quirky songs,because it has a ring to it and its catchy.

It boils down to the stickiness factor.Tipping Point,look it up.
The Stickiness Factor is a law about the actual informational content and packaging of a message. The stickiness factor says that messages must have a certain character which causes them to remain active in the recipients' minds. Moreover, they must be deemed worthy of being passed on.

Like Good Songs...

That aside,i haven't blogged much,maybe writers block or perhaps just been busy.

SO,Diwali weekend,came and went,it was awesome!!! It has to be a delicious concoction of people you love,gambling,home cooked food,friends and booze to make it special.Something about being surrounded by soo much happiness and love makes you oblivious to anything outside your 'vision field'.

That aside, receiving distrubing news isn't something very festive,especially when it involves 2 people whom you love unconditionally.For what its worth babies,i'm around and no i don't know what it feels like so i won't lie and say "i know what that feels like,but you've got to pull yourself together".However,i do intend on saying, take you time, clear your mind, ease into the correct gear,and i will be around through all of it.

As we grow older,we become slightly dry with hawk like vision-as far as meeting new people go.

Yes its an act of self preservation and yes, although the small wounds are the ones that sting like mad; its those big ass scars that leave a mess behind,not to mention also run a risk of developing an infection,eg:a laparotomy scar,it feels numb for a few hours, until you are aware that the analgesia has worn off...and then this nagging annoying pain hangs around,it doesnt let you move,sleep,eat,talk or even read.

That was just to illustrate why most of us become slightly cynical,dry and put on magnifying glasses.

Talking about good songs once again,yes i tend to digress,due apologies,but seriously if you are smart enough you'll catch up.

There's one particular song that has been in my head these last couple of days;

Its : I wanna be there,by Blessid Union of Souls.

Till the next one.

Honesty

I find it amazing,how we are able to divulge our innermost thoughts and secrets to strangers whom we know,we'd never have to encounter ever again.

There was one thing though i told myself i would do and stick to till the end of my time here,is to make sure i tell no lies but i don't have to tell you the truth either...i could, tell you on a more need to know basis?so i wouldn't be untruthful,i would just be withholding information.

The point i am trying to make here is, don't you think life's simpler when all we could do is just tell it as it is?

Well,honestly i don't know life any other way so...this has been my way of life,and i doubt it'll be changing anytime soon.

However, whats really of interest to me now,is how much we bend the truth when it comes to ourselves.

Think about it,when was the last time you were extremly totally honest with yourself?

We sugar coat,rephrase,renact and distort the actualy premise of things that we are dealing with,just because its easier to digest.Its called denial.

So,now that i've agreed with myself (god i love my monologues) let us proceed to something more sensitive...

The question would be WHY?

WHY do we lie to ourselves?why are we in constant denial?

Its easier! there you go...we lazy lazy humans...always making life easier (mind you not simpler).

I might be wrong,but this happens to be a monologue...

SO, it has come to my attention that, the cheif propagating factor would be fear of acceptance, being judged, losing ones stand in general.

This would in turn tell me that,most of us, have an external locus of control with very poor self esteem?I mean, you should at least have the guts to fight for what yo believe in right? If you take the cowardly route and mould yourself to what the society wants, you are nothing exceptional, you are a LEMMING...how charming, let us all be dull and the unimaginative copies of one another...

Someone very wise once said, THE REASONABLE MAN ADAPTS HIMSELF TO THE WORLD,AND THE UNREASONABLE ONE ADAPTS THE WORLD TO HIMSELF.

7 am

That was exactly the time i woke up this morning.All fresh and renewed,looking forward to the rest of the day. Its funny isn't it how we are able to wake up at a desired time on the weekends but not on a work day?

I have been catching up on my sleep,i have collectively slept a total of 20hours in the last 3 days,which by my schedule is an achievement.

So i started the day off,standing on the balcony watching the morning sun and the day unfold...of course it was peaceful and interesting-like did you know my neighbour wakes up at the same time everday to take his dog for his morning walk.routine.

We are creatures of habit.

After fixing a breakfast of milo and toast with ricotta cheese and honey, i made my journal entry and reflected,and of course caught my morning dose of Al-Jazeera, BBC and CNN.

Did you know that there's absolutely nothing to watch on Saturday mornings? Except for the discovery or history channel,there's abso-fucking-lutely nothing.Finally at about 8.30 i decided i could use more shut eye and preceeded back into my little lair and snoozed for another 3 hours...such bliss!

Friday was rather nice,i spent the first half working and the second half with my folks.By the time we called it a night, i was knackered!

I still have a good half a day left off my saturday...will bring about some mind sharpening thoughts for your entertainment in the next one.

p/s:i have a reader from Michigan. 

Withdrawal

My head has been throbbing in pain, i'm not in a bad mood though,i'm easily excitable...funny isn't it?

Well, so today is day 2 without any form of 'Black Gold' thats my term for coffee. My favourite food groups Coffee, C********* and Cereals.I have officially abandoned 1 out of 3, Soon it'll be 2 out of 3, then all i'll ever have to my credit will be cereals.Do you have any idea how pathetic that is? All the great thinkers were coffee lovers or drunks,although i'd like them to be coffee drinkers.

So,i have officially quit 2 detrimental habits,but coffee seriously?

I take great pride in making my daily brew in a french press,and then savouring every sip with soo much passion and enthusiasm.

I love Black Ink.Every journal entry of mine in in Black Ink.Its classy and understated.

So i have been reading up a little.

Perhaps that shall give me more insights.

I have nothing to worry about.

Bye Bye September.12 weeks left to rock the world!

Lets Take a Walk

The Oh-So overrated law of attraction has gotten my attention-finally!

Its quite simple really,if i were to break it down and explain to others what i want based on what i have been attracting we'd all be having quite a laugh.Really.

I subconsciously want to be psycho analysed and throughly teased-thats if the law of attraction exsists.

The Good thing is however...i am always having the good life...i i'd have to agree comes from the LAW OF ATTRACTION because i CONSCIOUSLY want it.

EG:

1)I wanted a medical career whereby in the next 6-8months i wont have to be oncall or shipped off to some dept that is short,just so that i can have my weekends free and most of my evenings free-and i HAVE it.

2)I wanted more insights, i keep getting them-formally or informally either ways i am getting it.

3)I want to spend adequate time with people who matter and i do.

4)I want more out of my present life-and i am propelling myself towards it.

5)I want to keep intouch with lost buddies,and i do.

So the law of attraction is working for all these things...

What i dont understant though,is why would anyone who hasn't spoken to me in the last 10yrs,ask me a whole bunch of penetrating questions,some personal some general and then conclude that, i am boring-ish albeit funny? Oh yes and while at that also admit that i was psychoanalysed-because i had an interesting element to my profile which of course i don't know about.

Then again i personally consider it to be a compliment when people find you interesting-i mean if your conversations aren't mind boggling, why would i continue talking to you right?

So that aside,i was left with a phone number-to keep in touch or to call when i am in town-another interesting element for me, i liked the fact that this person assumed i was interested in keeping in touch.

Perhaps as my Dad quite nicely puts it,"you could sell a fridge to an eskimo"

That aside,i have developed a fondness or perhaps a soft spot,i don't quite know how to characterize this emotion,but its a nice one for someone new but not quite new..

Its interesting because you learn on a daily basis.

Diverting form our little walk;

Well,as Reena quite accurately observed-its all about proving 'something'...both of us are quite baffled about this something...oh well whatever it is...i am sure it shall be revealled in due time.

You know whats the other thing i like-absolutely like...the fact that everytime i walk into the starbucks right across my apartment, i am treated like a rockstar...ok that was a bit much, its warm and they know how i like my latte- No foam and not too hot,with the occational shot of esspresso.

You are right about starbucks going the extramile.With you on that.

Familiarity, not breeding any contempt in this territory.

Reenakins,for what its worth, your posts arent angry-they are insightful...the problem is though there are many layers to an emotion,thus  to identify its exact nature could be deceitful, tiresome and sadly discouraging.

I am around.Always.Holding your hands and talking you for long long walks.

Signed, with love, Prawn Prawn.

 

Retrospective Entries

I hate retrospective entries, noticed the strong emotion linked to the title?

Its highly disturbing and very painfully 'righteous'.

We almost always have ALL  the god damn answers retrospectively, we all KNOW retrospectively, suddenly we are all sodding geniuses...because we can and choose to say 'you could've or you should've...'

Seriously?save it!

you can't turn back time to that exact moment of judgement,which would have most probably been clouded by various brutal factors,which today at this very moment you can't recall.don't beat yourself up,you are human afterall.

Also,retrospective entries in my line of work means, my entry is coming in right after my patient was pronounced dead...after painstakingly tring to save a life,my entry would state my actions and probably cause of death based on clinical evidence.

Life generally sends you huge servings of 'retrospective entry potentials' and of course we measly not so wise humans are susceptible creatures arent we? we retrospectively contribute to obsolete-ness.Thank heavens there are alien life forms out there.

Sometimes i think and feel that these are just glorified criticisms and pure reflection of self contempt.

Why can't we learn from the first RETROSPECTIVE ENTRY? Because we are all suckers for punishment.

This post,is for you and me from me.

I would like to be selfish.

Don't you fake it

When you fail to see variation in your life,you know you've hit a brick wall as far as being alive is concerned, now all you aim to do is get on with life and do what needs to be done while feeling moderately satisfied with your accomplishments for the day.

Bore: one who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation.
Benjamin Disraeli

This caught me earlier on today,when i was going through my old books, during which time i was actually supposed to be 'organizing the study'...oh well.

Whenever i hit a brick wall,i take a break, read a book, run or simply vanish from the world for a good 2/3 days...usually i'd drive back to my folks' and spend the weekend in the comfort of my safe zone.

I've been on a much needed break these last 5 days,and i can't help but notice a slight shift in my equilibrium...i'm guessing its for the better.

For one, i just realised that i'm not the only one who imagined the Micheal Buble song-feeling good-to have the same imaginary video. (prawn prawn don't forget the top hats)

Next, who knew all i needed for a good 2 hours fun was a car, Grong Grong and mundane chores.

When using instant brownie mixes no one does it better than ReenaKins. (it was lovely babe)

When your friends decide you have an anger issue-you probably do,and just accept it at face value,chances are you are leading a high strung lifestyle,and if you don't accept it,they may try enrolling you into Anger Management classes...nah really i am kidding they wouldn't.

Of course as with any holiday that i have which includes beekins and prawn prawn we always discover good food...

Finally on a work day if you find 3 people who don't look like students but too healthy looking and well dressed to look jobless,in a starbucks, thats probably us, 10 yrs from now,working...

When all else fails, you should sit in a mamak, and laugh about your accomplishments for the day!How else do you share some of that awesomeness that you acquired throughout the day?

Theodicy

"And so something which I thought I was seeing with my eyes is in fact grasped solely by the faculty of judgment which is in my mind." Descartes.

I Don't plan to sound profound and educated today, i just plan to think and ponder and space out.

I had one of those days where regardless how much you sleep,you still need the sleep and it doesn't help that you are under the influence of some cellular structure changing molecule in your bloodstream.

There comes a time in everyones life, unless of course you never ever have to encounter this phase-just because you are built differently.

See i have been thinking about how much i've been able to dent and leave significant scars on other people.When i say dent i dont mean damage to the point of permanent emotional trauma but more like,i'd be like to be that ache deep in you,that you'd never let go of...it disguises itself as a 'feel good' moment and thats how you'd like to remember it.

How shall we rephrase it then? shall i call it nostalgia? dependancy?

Regardless of how we phrase it, we all have at least 1 person who isn't blood related who leave a deep mark in your life-i am not talking about exes, i'm talking about people whom you let into your life and with whom you are no one else but YOU. Its difficult for anyone to say they have more than one, infact most people can't think of one single person.

I, would like to leave a small dent, in someone's life...because when nothing else is left of me, i will menifest or at least parts of me will menifest in the thoughts of the person whose life i touch.

I would like to read you to bed sometime, i could be the ride of your life. I should give myself a shot.

Lets allow Babel Gilberto lullaby us to sleep tonight.

To Infinity and Beyond!

If there's one thing i've learnt in my very short yet significant life is that, any plan you make, regardless of how airtight it is, if it has a component that can go wrong, it may.

When that happens though, what you are suppose to do is pick up the pieces of your broken blueprints in good humor and attempt it AGAIN.

I used to be able to say (when i was 21/22) , in 10 yrs time i will have 1 million ringgit in my bank account, be successful ie a surgeon and HOT....as in drop-dead-fucking-gorgeous.

Now, Today at a ripe yet tender age of 26 going on 27, i will say with conviction that i WON'T have 1 million in cash. maybe i may be on a path of becoming a surgeon and still with confidence i shall say i SHOULD be drop dead gorgeous when i am 30.

Here's the thing about plans-don't make em, really don't...they are a utter waste of time.

Why not, go about doing things taking small plausible steps; don't make plans. Execute wants!

Go about today DOING THINGS!...

Anyway, that aside: i am going to sleep in and recuperate.

Please let me leave you with Bob Sinclair-Rock this party!

Pharyngitis?

I've been feeling a little under the weather recently, it isn't viral, its most likely bacterial and we are all heading towards a mental burn out.

I got the day off from my boss, i just need to sleep this one out,really, its chronic fatigue with subclinical symptoms of either pharyngitis or some other upper respiratory tract infection.

Mistake No 1:

Don't tell anyone, especially your family that you've gotten the day off and are planning on resting it out, because they will have to talk to you SUDDENLY at 10 am,when you would routinely be at work and the discussion could wait till 5, but on a day like today, it has to be done STAT!

To top it all off, you would've drugged yourself with anti tussives or anti histamines and you antibiotic, which means you are reasonably groggy, and if you fail to sleep, you will end up with a pounding headache.The ONLY way you could sleep through is if your phone doesnt ring.Mine rang, in half hour intervals,with the whole world needing to talk to me that very second.

Mistake No 2:

Never NOT turn off your phone, refer to previous paragraph.

Mistake No 3:

Don't overdo your drugs,once again refer to mistake no 1.

Well that aside,mum being mum, sent me soup and we went home hunting earlier, this place is nice, furnished, nice spread, old furniture, could use a new coat of paint, and needs to be refloored.We didn't meet the owners,which to me is a big no no,i always must meet the owners before i make my decision.

I've been over doing my classical saxaphone music, i think Vindhya has had enough classical saxaphone for a year. I know this wasnt one of my usual brilliant posts, i will get back to that mode soon.

Toodles.

Shift.

It takes a colossal amount of motivation for change in ones life.Often, it usually follows an episode of great distress-be it emotional, mental or physical.

For example, most of us (the average Malaysian) doesn't think twice about banana leaf or nasi kandar lunches until they obtain their shabby looking lipid profile results.-Physical Anxiety

or 

An average school kid wouldn't see the need to put in certain number of hours or take a different approach to a subject matter until he/she fails a certain subject.-Mental anxiety

I'm hopeless with Emotional observations so we'll skip that one.

The point i'm trying to make is, to truly change a certain aspect of our life, we'd have to be uncomfortable with where we are right now. We do not evolve if we get comfortable. We do not become better versions of ourselves.

If lets say i became a complacent doctor, who becomes accustomed to a mediocre lifestyle, i wouldn't need to generate a huge income to support my lifestyle and i wouldn't need to specialize further.Some of you might argue that specializing only requires passion, but i disagree. You need more than just passion to propel you through something as tedious and demanding as a specialization programme-you first of all :

a)Need to be uncomfortable with where you are in life currently-as in the whole hierarchy and earning capacity.

b)Need to have an insight over where you see yourself-do you WANT to specialize because everyone is or because you want to?Would you be happy with that particular course?

c) Finally-passion.

Based on my personal experience, i honestly am not as fired up for the AMC as i was for the MRCS- when i looked in me for answers-this is what i got:

-when i sat for the MRCS i wanted to prove a point to myself and the people around me that i do deserve to be in a surgical and not a medical based dept.

-i had completed my housemanship and JMO postings,and i was all fired up at the thought of ortho, so i thought lets gauge myself,lets see where i belong.Lets sit for an exam.

-I wanted to be the first or at least the most different one amongst my peers who were (at that time) chilling.

and i had and still have a passion for a surgical based dept.

Don't get me wrong,i am fired up for the AMC,but not like i was for the MRCS.i want to do the AMC,because i want something better for myself,i don't want to be slogging all day to get some guy who works at Mc D's to outearn me.

The AMC is a passport, to furthering my studies, it is a ticket for a different kind of walkabout.

The other example of discomfort bringing out the best in me would be my exercise habits-i exercise with a higher intensity the days i feel unhealthy-just to compensate for that feeling.If i felt great, i would exercise just as hard but i wont push myself to a level of burnout.

In a nutshell, to see change, to evolve we all have to at some point get uncomfortable with our surroundings/ourselves. Only then will our internal system propel us to the level of greatness that some could only imagine but not realise.

Retrogress

Believe me, Malaysians aren't as cool as the title!

We as a nation DON'T READ! there you go...plain and simple.

See, we've been having problems with our numbering system at the clinic,so my boss asked us to come up with strategies to iron the mess out. So me being the oh-so-self-proclaimed-genius that i am, came up with Images as tools to enlighten the masses of our system.

Well, the sign, i might like to add is HUGE as in HUGE...i hope that made a point. It doesn't require a rocket scientist to decipher and its all numbers.

Initially,upon implementation, we found that the crowd was co-operative, but as time went on, Malaysians being the pathetic Vandals that they are, decide to rip off the notice off our doors and then knock on our doors to say the system is unclear and we should put up a sign. *sigh*

Anyway,i let that slip and got the nurses to put up new signs, and YET they knock on our doors saying the numbering is unclear. WTF?

Seriously, what does this indicate?...we as a nation, DON'T-BLOODY-READ!

Its far cheaper to send text messages and sit about in the mamak,hell even cable TV is affordable,but are books? NO. Ok now i'm digressing from the main subject in discussion.

See the point i'm trying to make is, we are retrogressing, its sad, very sad. I shudder to think of what the education system of this country is going to be like in the next 5 years, i am glad my youngest brother is out of the system. Whats even worse is that, the Malaysian lifestyle is too goddamned lackadaisical- the teachers don't encourage you to read, the media doesn't encourage you to read, the bookstores don't encourage you to read , our newspapers are a joke, most of us don't think ourside the box ; most of us DON'T THINK. At the rate things are going now, reading will become a privilege like caviar and champagne because a) its rare b) its expensive c) its acquired taste. Thats quite fine by me, see, being the pompous-egoccentric person that i am, its quite a grand feeling to be a part of the minority- 2% of the entire worlds' population.

Its 2217...i should get back to my pillow now...till the next one.

The Joker

Do you know what happened today?

I woke up unceremoniously at 0738, stared at my watch in total disbelieve because i was soo fresh and renewed, it felt like i had been asleep for almost 8 hours,when in reality i had only been asleep for 5 hours or therebouts.

So i practically jumped out of bed-excited and all, about being awake soo darn early,the DAMPENING part though,was the fact that it hadn't stopped raining since yesterday and when i drew the curtains,there wasn't any sun-the perfect weather to continue sleeping in...but as always,i HAVE to do things differently.

Did i mention though that its a sunday?...i mean who wakes up at 0738 on a sunday morning?

Anyway, i stretched, visited the loo,drank a good liter of water with my vitamins, put the water to boil and started the washing machine...looked around,found what i was reading the night before...got back into bed and read...by then a whole hour had passed-and it was time!...yes the bowel movement ensued...(i'm sorry i take soo much pride in my bowel movement but...its one of those things that make my day complete)

A good shower later i was sitting infront of the morning news with marmalade toast and coffee...there was nothing new though,just that now the Turks are calling the Killings in Urumqi 'Genoside'...i mean COME ON?....seriously?...the highest number of deaths are amongst the Han Chinese who AREN'T muslims...so please lets wipe the self pity off the table for now.

While flossing,i noticed that the once perfectly sculpted eyebrows of mine were now sprouting new growth and it wasn't exactly attractive...so...right after the morning ritual of news and breakfast i headed out to get my eyebrows done.

Here's the thing about driving out in Penang early sunday mornings, its Abso-fucking-lutely beautiful...no road hoggers,no maniac drivers, no delusional 'Humvee' drivers who occupy 2 lanes, ah such bliss...almost therapeutic.

On my way home i picked up the newspaper...and while driving home, i just realised how much i love sundays...especially when i am surrounded with the people i love. For those of you who have read previous entries of mine, you would know by now that i love sunday brunch or at least connecting with people. so here's where the problem starts.

By the time i got home, which was around 11am, i had already decided that its  been a fantastic sunday,and to top it off,all i had to do was pick up the phone and call a bunch of people to have lunch with.So thats when i realised,that i don't actually have my folks or my close friends around here...for me to call on and head out to lunch with.Now, when i got home, Vindaloo (my housemate) was making lunch plans with Siva (her friend,who is also my friend) and invited me to join...guess what i do?...decline the invitation!....i know i know...and you wonder why i make a fuss about it being sunday and....lunch and stuff like that...oh well...i guess sometimes...you just feel like makng a fuss about things and you dont need a reason to do so.

What eventually happened was that, i ordered in from Kapitan-and watched Nothing but the truth on DVD (awesome watch)...and right NOW,as i type all of this ....i am sipping on a velvety latte...and thinking why am i not doing something else?...

Well...i guess i will...till then,if you do get a chance - pick up Mogwai's I know who you are but who am i?

Current read: Tipping Point.

Walkabout

My post was more that a month ago and a lot of things have changed.

Remember the post about having my walkabout?well...i'm on my walkabout and its awesome!
Abso-fucking-lutely mind blowing and enlightening.
I've been away for 8 days now and its refreshing.

Sa Wah Dee Kah,form the land of King Rama V.Yes,i'm on my Rotary GSE,albeit short its been a major download of information for me and i'm loving every second of it.

SO we are a team of 4, a leader and 3 members.Its the usual mix chinese malay indian...
and while they are at a Go Go show i'm sitting here and trying to blog unsuccessfully...

Location:Phuket....look out for updates this weekend.

27

You know what's Ironic?

In a typical day i see up to 120 patients who quite so willingly put their lifes in my hands-without a shred of doubt,with the hope that i deliver my very best and nothing less of course.They trust my decision, me, a complete stranger whose only claim to earning that trust is my degree and practice as a doctor.

Yet, for some unfathomable reason, you will always be incapable of sound decisions ONLY crucial ones mind you, in the eyes of the people who love you the most, as to them, you'll always be that wailing, cooing, nappy soiling creature that you were more than 2 decades ago.I'll always be reminded of my 'baby talk' and incomprehensible sense of style or my acquired taste for foods that most humans don't consume at the age of 2. Elephant- Effelant,you know...

That said, i really have nothing to complain about as i was always, ALWAYS asked to make my own decisions and rationalize them with my parents, at the age of 17 i was a "level headed and sound decision making teenager" but at 27...i'm anything but that.

Anyway, on the brighter side of things, Appu, has accepted Intel's offer at Bayan Lepas, which means we'll be in the same city yet again...i think this is my chance at getting to know my brother a little better.We've always been close, and talk about almost anything, but as its understood i only saw him and treated him as my younger brother who needs my protection and completely left our friendship to rot. Nevertheless, i am pleased with the fact that we are still friends till today...maybe just not as good as we used to be a couple of years back.

Girish on the otherhand has dropped the bombshell on my mum "i think i'll enroll in the May course of the American degree programme...i have to leave in the next 4 days"

This of course is difficult for someone whose umbilical cord still hasn't been severed. No doubt, she'll feel the loss-he was her confidante, friend, son, coach, physiotherapist, cuddle toy and loyal companion day in, day out...for as long as Appu and i have been away. (7 long years)

This would just mean that i should start rescheduling my locums and try spending as many weekends as possible with my folks so that the vaccum left by my youngest sibling isn't too harsh for them to handle.

till the next one, here's some Poe to ponder over.

It is the nature of truth in general, as of some ones in particular, to be richest when most superficial.

Just another one of those...

The days are just too warm and the nights sometimes hopelessly stuffy,global warming is getting to me.

These days,i find communicating a chore...be it the phone,internet or face to face. I've concluded that my usual inspirations and mind bogglers are too far from me thus leaving my mind a little bit idle. Whats even worse is the fact that i can't sleep through the night without waking up at least twice,first to pee, and second...to pee again. Then trying to fall asleep takes up soo much effort,i get tired trying to sleep and wake up some what more tired than before i went to bed. This i believe has been a contributor to my wasting communication skills.

Initially i blamed it on the endorphines circulating in my stream, as i worked out late evenings, then i blamed it on the fact that my biological clocks hay wire.NoW, i know...all i have to do is discipline my sleeping pattern.

Whats also getting to me is the amount of shit that happens at work and the people i have to cope with through the day, and sometimes i HAVE to sit through a whinning session.

So, now thats sorted, lets get to what i've just worked on...so i remember in the begining of the year i came up with  the resolve to become a better me through my mini walkabouts, well, that hasnt been happening much but whats good is that i also promised myself to get from FLAB to FIT.

Now, what i embarked on was an extensive study on supplements and work outs and plans.And as i type this in, my 8 Week rooster is printing out, i'm giving myself 8 weeks to lose 44 pounds!

That works out to about 5 pounds a week with a 1500 Kcal diet rich in Complex carbs, Fibre, Protein and ONLY good fats.

I'm hoping though, my other side..."lazy bones" would choose to remain latent through this period of time. What i am Hoping to achieve is a lifetime of fitness with the ability to cheat my genes into believing i am not meant for any chronic illnesses.

Aims:

HBA1C of 4.0-4.5%, LDL of 1.5, Cholesterol of 3.0, Triglycerides of 0.5, Body Fat percentage of 15%.

And of course looking like i always do...like an understated artwork.

I've come to realise that my obsession with all of the things that i LIKE has made me a hermit, i simply stay away from all that doesn't appeal to me.

The other thing that has been bugging me is the fact that my folks have been pressuring me into meeting tonnes of people in view of marriage...trust me indian men aren't all that appealing, and as much as i'd hate to admit it, watching a movie like "he's just not that into you" could hit the spot dearly.

Sometimes i feel like somethings not right...like there's something incredible waiting to happen...to just fall out of nowhere....leaving me in a more palatable situation than before it happened.

Right now,i honestly feel unhealthy and am eager...for this transitional phase to leave and never come back to this side of the universe.

My P-53 gene was suppose to get its moment of fame in this blog, but i'll get to that another time. Cheers to all things nasty especially procastination.May it be left where it belongs, and thats not with ME.

My mindset right NOW,till kingdom comes will be from Benjamin Disraeli

"A consistant soul believes in destiny, a capricious one in Chance" 

The Rainmaker

My mum calls me The Rainmaker, not because i remind her of the John Grisham novel but because, its always raining when i arrive or it starts to rain when i'm about to leave home,some believe its a good omen. I'm just not too sure why.

The weekend was fantastic, i drove home after a super long friday,left the island at about 10pm and was home in the nick of time (15mins to midnight) just to blow candles and wish Girish.

Family lunch was abso-fucking-lutely lovely, it was great just to break bread together, laugh and have animated conversations. Beekins and Reena made an effort to be present and that by itself said a lot. This family of mine is leaving yet again for another 3months at most, to complete the bridging course and the exam. Our midnight conversations will have to be put on hold for the time being.

I had this warm fuzzy feeling inside the whole time, it had been  sometime since i had seen Appu, let alone have a meal with him. Papa was of course very cute,as he loves poking everyone's food.

On the way back, i did something i hadn't done in a long long time, i slept in my mum's arms and it was serene, it made me feel like nothing in the world could spoil my moment now...nothing mattered. I guess i'll never really grow up, i'll always be my parents' baby. The funny thing is, all 3 of us are like that, with Girish being the biggest baby. He'd climb on both my parents as if he was a toddler, mind you we are talking about a 181cm 75 kg adult! Till today he cuddles my mum and dad at night; and when either Appu or I are home he loves jumping into bed with us just to chat, ask questions and share a little bit of his thoughts.

He's a wonder child. Cheers to you Girish, please remain the way you are.

Anyway, today was nothing less than special as well, as always, Mum made breakfast and Papa fussed over me...while i sat staring at the Laptop Screen cussing and groaning,they pretended not to hear a word i was saying and were cracking jokes between themselves.

M: "The temperature in the kitchen is a little high isn't it Hari?"

P: "urm...yeah..*chuckles*...yes...very hot in here la Sus, i think we should ban office work in the kitchen"

They actually thought i wasn't listening. 

I'd honestly be lost without my folks.

The next 3 months will be all work and no play, till the Bees get home that is.

Jason Tan Hon Pin and Reena Charlene Lopes,go kick some Aussie ass,ill see you guys soon.

p53

As I write this, Muse’s Feeling Good is playing; the beauty about that song is that it is a positive song with a melancholic undertone. Perfect asymmetry.
As writing seems to be an important component of self exploration, I’ve found that music provides the perfect soundtrack to your moods and emotions, I’m in that place where indifference and serenity covers my anxiety, what better music could you think of than Gotan Project?

Do you know why most organizations rebrand?

I’ll tell you why I’d rebrand; nothing beats being able to redesign your identity, to be able to make art out of plain canvas, to be new and to be able to rebrand is ultimately being able to turn back time, now wouldn’t you trade that for anything?
Rebranding grants you a second lease on life, when I say life, I don’t mean turn back time, or undo mistakes; just teaching you how to handle the truth and making right out of a wrong situation. Most of the time,these situations are left as they are and it heads towards a downward spiral.

Reena once told me

“I’ve always thought of a life story, a memoir...but who are my target audience? Your life’s pretty interesting babe, your life could be a story”

Well, I could safely say my life was anything but mundane, how many could say that? No hang on; put me on national television and I’ll say “I’m a pretty boring person”

Most of the time all I do is day dream, and I mean dream big. As I have an affinity for reaffirming and sounding repetitive I’d like to say once again that I simple have Taste, I only want the BEST, see? Now that wasn’t too difficult to understand was it?

Musicals; have always been something that releases enormous amounts of endorphins into my stream, alongside exercise and my 3 great friends. Whenever i think back, I realise that I’ve completely locked out my really bad memories like how one would do everything to polish a scratch off a car door. I could be incredibly positive about life, and these days I nothing but think big impossible dreams (by definition of someone who is mediocre ) or in my lingo, big very plausible dreams.

Reena’s midnight chat went something like this:
R: So I was thinking maybe you can come visit bee and me once we’ve settled down in Melbourne, but that would be impossible if your leave is over...
V: Don’t worry babe, I’m sure something would pop up enabling me to be there...
R: YEAH!! You could get fired!
V: Why not hired, but this time in Melbourne? Why so bleak?
R: Bahahahahahahaahahahaha...
Yes that was literally the conversation.

I would like to think of myself as an acquired taste, like a rare bottle of vintage Pinot Noir, Foie Gras and maybe Beluga caviar.

A brief look at old me: DJ-ed at Hard Rock Moscow, thought English to an expatriate family, extremely into team sports, part nerd part juvenile delinquent, wanna-be speed racer, potential Patch Adams. I’m also quite an eccentric individual with exceptionally good taste in cars, watches and music. Could be painfully selfish and narcissistic. Still I think I get a lot of love and admiration from those who know of me.

There was a time of my life which when i really think about it, i realise that i wasn’t at all proud of whom i had become, and as clichéd as that might sound, i think thats what had made me who i am today. They say every curve ball life sends your way is meant to be an angle of evolution. I am evolving. Definitely.

I kept what i liked very much about myself and am constantly in a battle to eliminate all those things i thoroughly dislike about myself.
Perhaps we could agree upon the fact that I am a far cry from whom i used to be, a better version perhaps? Viroshini 3.0?

A very dear person to me once told me that none of us could restart with a clean slate without some amount of self bashing. Isn’t that the purpose of a clean slate?

How would you evolve without acceptance or closure?

I had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine, who summed me up very nicely; you think highly of yourself but aren’t egoistic, impatient, loyal, laidback, ambitious, easy to get along with and loves being pampered.

Fair enough, I would agree with that summation. The only thing she left out was short tempered.
Where would I see myself going this year? Not too sure at this very moment, perhaps I should consult the Tarot card reader whom I met today at work.

Work. Now work’s pretty interesting, i meet a wide range of characters, they all add spice to my life, its quite amazing how we could grasp soo much if we used the power of observation.

I love to people watch. Its like bird watching but only you are free to use your imagination and classify into genus and species that you want, not reference books or vision aid, just you, your imagination and a whole load of people.

Sometimes, we get a knot in our stomachs it’s more of an ESP thing, it’s what happens when you are full of anticipation and someone totally teases you with the information-by of course withholding it!...

I love surprises, good ones of course and life’s full of good surprises...at least i think so, I’m a fan of Mr.Brightside remember?

When you want to get all fired up a good tune would be Wagner’s Flight of the Valkyries. Trust me on that one.

Oh by the way, p53 is actually a Guardian Genome, see what it does is that...ill continue this in about 10minutes...

Folie A Deux

That literally translates into 'Madness between two'. We'd be lucky enough if in our lifetime to ever have a moment of 'folie a deux' ...most of us go through life hoping to never encounter such a beautiful and profound moment,which could only be shared with someone soo dear to you and of course loved.

Its a matter of having the same wavelength, principles and naturally similar or opposing passions.

Last week was eventful, there were extremly beautiful moments and absolutely mind boggling ones; i don't know why i didn't make it into the top 6- thats mind boggling.

I had achieved what i intended with both my family and extended family over the last week, i remained my usual optimistic self till last thursday,which was the day i discovered they had already selected the TOP 6.

Oh well, maybe i at meant for greatness, just not as a Rookie. As beekins put it, 

"Professional drivers just don't qualify to be rookies babe!"

That aside,what really baffles me is the fact that we were told that we'd be informed personally-that was a verbal honour and too bad, it doesn't exsist in today's world, The knowledge of that had actually left me quite surprised as i thought, the younger and more exposed we are, chances are we'd honour our words; sometimes your principles are sidelined.You wouldn't have much of a spine left by the time you turn 30.

I've been trying to get my hands on Faust by Goethe...Malaysia is quite an infant,and needs some exposure,and Malaysians,just don't read enough.

Secret Smile

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I'm losing, I'm bluesing
But you can save me from madness

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So save me I'm waiting
I'm needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now

When you are flying around and around the world
And I'm lying alonely
I know there's something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only

Flight of the Valkyries

Thats one of Wagner's famous pieces,which i assume gained popularity with the masses after the much acclaimed Tom Cruise movie "Valkyrie".

Well,i just got back from my Practical/Ice Breaking session at Sunway/Shah Alam for the Red Bull Rookies. I was abso-fucking-lutely awesome! Imagine Adrenaline laced with red bull,severe competition as in competant and tough competition...tell me,whats not to like about the weekend?

Also,i had quality time, with both my folks and my extended family...Saturday was an eye opener,as i understood what the media wants...they want interesting people who play by the borders of SAFE...which i'm not soo sure i was.

Anyway, in my short interview i was asked to tell about myself and i actually said "i'm a boring person, who reads extensively, goes to the gym 3 times a week, hang out and chat over coffee with my friends and mostly work"

...thats me in present tense  but i am FAR from boring...i'm a practicing doctor who plays basketball,futsal and pool and represented my varsity in the intervarsity games in Moscow, while i was at that,i DJ-ed for a bit at Hard Rock Moscow and then went on to teach English to an Expatriate Korean Family,pretty good at paintball too...could drink like a fish at some point.

Oh well,i missed that boat...too bad...now i'll have to rebrand myself.

I want to be one of the Top 6,and something tells me,even though the competition was tough...i will be there...i am FEELING GOOD.

I'm realigning myself with my goals...till the next one.

Bali

As the title is self explainatory,we shall just get to business.

Our very tiring albeit fun journey started on the 23rd of Jan and ended on the 26th of Jan...as i type this out, i' am fighting the urge to drown myself in Benedryl...i hate, and i mean HATE being sick,makes you soo counter productive and thats not the person that i am!

Bali was the same as it was 2 years ago,but just slightly different,its probably because i'm taking everything in with a different view?

It was absolutely refreshing and of course we had a blast,i'm glad all the first timers had enoumours fun.The food was really good and Jimbaran's seafood dinner was out of this world. 

Remember how i said my walkabout starts today in my last entry?it really did start at that time,i've gotten myself a copy of Animal Farm by Orwell just to expand my view on communism and if you think about it,wouldn't you be curious to know who portrays a pig the best?

right now,my nose is blocked,i've got tears welling up in my eyes and...i've got a sorethroat!!

well...let me finish who'll cry when you die and continue enlightening you people.

More about Walkabouts

Lets continue with the next observation;

4)I desperately need a walkabout.....lets call it 'self-preservation'.

5)I've become intolerant of stupidity, unreasonable obsessions, small talk, self pity, victim talk and certain types of humans.

6)I didn't see the 26 year old me as  the person i am today, i'm not sure of what i exactly saw,but i think it did involve being elsewhere, doing something more significant and still living the good life.

Don't get me wrong, i was made to serve and get my hands soaked in blood, its just that, i'm not sure if i should be here or someplace in Sierra Leone working in a MSF camp. 

7) As much i did enjoy bringing along my favourite vices with me, i think i should CONSIDER quitting my carcinogenic pack of 20s.

8) I have to get into a fitness regime...this means serious business and being in OPD, is giving me time to spend on getting fit from fat.

9) Sure i've conquered MRCS part 1, there's still part 2 and 3...lets not forget my ingenious plan of leaving the country.

10) Orthopedics is it i guess,its fun and it involves power drills,nuts, bolts, screws, nails and spine surgeries.

11) My walkabout starts today, with books, the discovery channel, small trips, luxurious time with loved ones, getting fit and being an honest human being.

Lets call this my declaration for now...i'm sure i'll come up with something brilliant by the end of the year,and life's been good to me of late, i've been getting my much needed cerebral orgasms with Beekins and Reena,my rekindled relationship with Azie and of course...my baby boss...she's always around to shed some light and make me Mr.Brightside whenever i need to be.By the way, we've been friends and i mean.....reeaaallllyy good friends for 8 years now.Time does fly.

In our guts (Reena, Syu and Mine) we know 2009 will be a good year...and i'm not going to make it any lesser than that.

I'll soon be sipping Mojitos on the beach...will tell you how that walkabout goes.

Walkabout

When Hitler decided to write a book, he thought of 'Mein Kempf' a very poorly written autobiography which i assume went well with the Nazis and made it to the dinner table of the Churchills.

Most of us make declarations; a very well thought through and meticulous action plan...for the benefit of 'self' of course. Very alike to Hitler's 'Mein Kempf', just without the pompousness and foolish pride.

The New Year came and went and through this time i did absolutely everything to keep myself occupied and not think of resolutions,i did however think of one very reasonable thing to do,i took my favourite vices and junkie shoes with me.

Through this time, i sat for a paper...rekindled old friendships and tried desperately to have my 'walkabout'.

Here's the thing about walkabouts...you dont learn much,infact you don't learn at all if you decide to sit yourself in the comfort of your living room and not move for about 12 hours. I mean, it is called a walkabout for a reason isn't it?

Some things i did realize was that;

1)Penang drivers are useless and tire me effortlessly.Seriously.

2) I don't like remaining idle (yeah i have work and some form of life)

3) I need to achieve something remarkable....soo abso-fucking-lutely remarkable that it would blow anyone's mind out...no really...

i shall continue this in a bit.